Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

I think the struggle I am having with the trust issues is that if he came home right now in the condition he is in we would be set up for failure before we begin. He sees how much damage he has done and feels like a failure and I want to be a beacon of hope for him but I also don't know if I can open myself and our son up to being abandoned again if he implodes. I know I would have an even more difficult recovery a third time but I don't know if my son would ever recover from it. That is my fear.

If my H would agree to seek counseling for himself I would agree to having him back home. If he won't do that, I don't see how we could move forward. He needs to deal with his demons for himself. They have eaten his soul and he needs the restoration of God's love and the guidance of a trained professional in coping techniques. I can pray and ask God to send his mercy on my husband but I can't even bring up therapy to him. He doesn't want to hear that.

I guess I'm just stuck right now. I don't know what else to do for him but be here and pray for him.

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I am working on myself while my wife is sorting everything out in her life. I have no idea where she is at all. I cannot assume what she is going through regardless of her outward actions or comments. All I can do is worry about myself and my shortcomings.

Believe it or not, any trust issues that I have with my W are my issues, not hers. She is human and she is going to make mistakes, especially now. I have read so many scriptures that talks about who we are supposed to be and how we are to treat others, even our thoughts are held captive.

If we are supposed to love our enemies and forgive them, how am I supposed to be with my own wife? To most people, it translates to being a doormat. That may be the case but as I continue to understand my R with Him, I realize that perceptions like those (which I have shared) are of no concern when it comes to who I want to be. My ego (low self-esteem) has to change. What is more important to me? A restored marriage or being right? If I meant what I said that I would love her and protect her, then I have to be willing to die for her (as us men are called to do for our wives according to scripture).

As long as we deal with our own esteem issues, it will be a challenge to have successful relationships.

I am not saying that your H should come home right now. It probably would be disastrous as you need to realize the fallacy of you needing him to earn your trust again. Not that he shouldn't earn your trust but you know your trust has to be in Him and not your H. Let your H see the strength in you that you have gained by God.

IMO, last night was not a bad thing. He admitted so much to you that you can work with. He said that he misses you and your son. He knows where home is and it is with you two!!! He doesn't know how to get there. It scares the hell out of him. He is afraid that no one will accept him again.

Remember, Mishka, strength is not always demonstrated by a fierce demeanor or a show of power but can be demonstrated by unconditional love and absolute forgiveness.

If someone is afraid of making a mistake or screwing up, guess what? They will without a shadow of doubt. The more a person is concerned with what they do as wrong, the more hopeless they feel.

Mishka, show your H what it means to have a R with God. You don't have to bring him home. If it is mentioned again, you can let him know that you miss him and want him home but you know he needs to work through things and that you are his friend and will listen to him. One person that I would recommend that you speak with is BFM. She has achieved what I want to achieve in my life, and I am not only meaning about her M being restored. I mean that she listens to Him and put her needs aside and chose to do what God wanted her to do. She ignored many naysayers and much criticism.

[mishka422]

Thanks MMF - I will get in touch with BFM. I have read many of her posts and she really is a beacon of strength and courage.

I'm going out with some friends tonight to a concert. It should be really fun. I told H last night that I felt bad about not being home with my son two nights in a row so today I called him and told him that if he didn't have any plans tonight and wanted to spend some extra time with our son that would be just fine with me. I didn't want him to think he couldn't do that just because of the "schedule". I hope that didn't seem pushy to him. I just wanted him to know that if he wanted more time with him that I was certainly not opposed to that.

I'll stop in later to check on everyone!

[mishka422]

The concert was great fun. It was at a total dive bar which is WAY outside my normal comfort zone but I was with one of the girls from work so it was fun. The place was packed to the rafters which completely overwhelmed them. I don't think they expected quite that turn out but they should have since it was Doug Stone performing (country music for those who are uninitiated).

H did take S13 bowling last night while I was out. They had a very good time. I haven't talked to him at all since I called him yesterday about taking our son out. I want to so badly just to check in and see what's up. I'll control my impulse though.

I really have felt God laying on my heart to connect with my H. I want him to understand that I am here for him as his safe haven if he decides he needs one and that I will not judge him for what he's done but forgive him with unconditional love in my heart. That really is how I've come to feel about it. Am I still angry that he did this? Yes, but not intensely. Am I upset that he is living with OW? Yes, but he doesn't see that he has any other choice.

I want him home more than anything but I don't want him home and broken. Nothing will improve that way. I know I have to be paitient.

How do you have interaction with your spouse without making it seem like your pursuing them? My H is not ever the one to make first contact but seems to like it when we talk.

[mishka422]

Any advice on the interaction question? I'm sitting on my hands to keep from picking up the phone in case I would be making a mistake. I can't seem to decide if it would be or not. HELP!

[missmyfriend]

Good questions. I would say to let him know in a very non-threatening, non relationship pursuing way (matter of fact) that you have a history together and he will always be important to you. That he can always talk to you and trust you as a friend if he needs one.

But you have to be ready to be a friend that can handle almost anything that comes your way. It doesnt mean you accept what he is doing. You said a lot of good stuff in two posts back. If you feel this is what God is putting on your heart, you should reconnect with him in a way he can handle it. If you arent ready, dont push it.

[mishka422]

I do believe I am ready for this. Dinner on Friday night and the talk afterward really put me in a good place emotionally. I really do feel that God is moving in my life right now and softening my H's heart and mind although I also see H fighting it tooth and nail.

In church this morning I had written a prayer request for my H's salvation. I prayed that God would turn his eyes toward Him and open his heart to His word. I actually FELT the spirit this morning. The Spirit of peace, the serenity I have been seeking swept over me in the most powerful way I have ever experienced. I am spiritually and emotionally prepared for the battle of my and for my life now. Truly. I wrote that request before the sermon started so I could put it in the offering basket. Our pastor began the sermon speaking about ministering in the community but the need to minister within our own families first. He said to think of the three people in your life who are lost and that you want desperately to join you in eternity and write their initials inside the fly leaf in the front of your bible. Pray over their names every day and every night and every time you think of them throughout the day. Imagine, just what I was thinking of before he ever started speaking and this is what his sermon was on. God never loses an opportunity does He?

I am working my way through my codependency on my H and that is making me so much stronger. It is not damaging my love for him, only making me see the damage he has done to me with his own problems. I certainly do not approve of what he is doing but I will accept him as a friend always. I want him to feel comfortable enough to talk to me about anything at any time. I hope I can convey that in a way that is non-threatening to him.

I know that I can not accept anything less that his full love. In that, I mean that he will have to come to me not only saying he wants to come home, but that he wants to come home because he loves me, wants me, and wants to grow old with me. I realized that his saying he wanted to come home but was afraid that he would screw up and then not have anywhere to go after that was not only a self-fullfilling prophecy but it also was all about him and did not say how he felt about me. There was no straight out "I Love You." or "I'm willing to work hard to put our marriage back together." I can not have him back unless he knows that I am what he wants, not just the comfort of home. I want to be his place of comfort but I'm not his mother, I'm his wife and deserve to be treated as such. He will have to get healthy before he can decide that. I won't say any of this to him of course but I will listen for the queues.

[mishka422]

I forgot to post my question.

Do you think it would be ok to contact my H to just chat and keep in friendly contact or should I just leave things be and wait for him to come to me? He's never been one to initiate first contact unless it was an emergency.

I've been thinking about this all darned day! I really want to talk to him and just see how he's doing but I don't want him to feel like I'm pushing him at all.

[mishka422]

^bump

Anyone have an opinion on me contacting husband to chat in a friendly way? I'm really curious about what you all think or if that would seem like I was pushing.

[glamgirl]

This is always a difficult situation. I have been at this for almost 2 years now. I have always taken the road lately of letting h contact me. Not that I don't want to call or talk with him and show my concern and love I just think it's best.

Many times he doesn't answer or return the call and has even said you called me for that. Hmmmm I guess he didn't want to hear from me, so I try to stay my distance.

When I am around him I try to have the love of Christ shine through me.

My h I believe is severely depressed and finds himself sitting in a dark room, so the calls from me may not be welcoming.

Each h will respond differently, but that is my advice. Giving my h his space to find himself and then hopefully he can find his way back home.

You can always try one approach and change if you don't get the desired result. That is what I had to do, trial and error.