My husband and I have been seperated for 4 and a half months. He threw me and my daughter our of the house when he was on abike trip with his father and it has been no looking back ever since. I didn't cheat or look at another man, I didn't ask him for money, jewerly or cars. I just wanted his time..something he couldn't give me. His friends and family were more important. We always going to see his family or out to dinner with his friends. he ate lunch everyday with them and I work with them but I was never invited. The main reason he said he left was because of them....I was jealous of them and they were more important. (Deosn't help that all his friends are single and many under the age of 26 and he is 38 and we work on a college campus.)
So here I am. We have not seen each other and we have only spoken 4 times. Each time he has been down right cruel and hateful. He is mad at me of all things. He kicked us out and he is mad at me???? He says there is no way in heck we will get back together that he is happier now and can not even speak to me or even be in the same room with me. If he is so much happier why is he angry at me?
I have been reading and now rereading the book and how can I implemet what I am learning if I can't get him to speak to me? We have 7 and a half months to go before we can file. The last 2 times we have talked I have been very plesant and upbeat. Telling things about the cats and my daughter. But each time he resorts to name calling, put downs and basically treating me like ****.
Wow my daughter who is 14....he says he can't even talk to her because he would have to be near me. I am like then email her and text. But no he wants no contact with her either. So he has yet to tell her sorry or keeep in touch or anything. Just kicked her out also. Like he said we both don't exist for him.
So how in the world can I try the tools in the book is he is not seeing me or talking to me? Do I just let go and say well it is over???
Sorry that you find yourself here. You need to go straight to the Last Resort Technique and skip all the "how to fix your marriage" tips for right now.
Clearly it was not a happy, healthy marriage and then BAM he kicked you out one day. I'd think about what was wrong in your M/R, and see if there are any of those things that you would like to change about yourself. If so, work on those things. Don't worry about him "seeing" it or how it impacts him, for now. Make the changes for you.
How long were you married, and what things does he complain about? What was different in the beginning and when did things start to change? (it's probably a LOT longer ago than you realize). Maybe we can help come up with some 180 ideas for you.
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Wow my daughter who is 14....he says he can't even talk to her because he would have to be near me. I am like then email her and text. But no he wants no contact with her either. So he has yet to tell her sorry or keeep in touch or anything.
Was this a reply to a guilt trip from you? Kinda sounds like it. Any attempt to control his actions, or make him feel anything (guilt or anything else) are going to backfire on you right now.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
We were married 4 years and his biggest complaint was his friends. At first things were really good between us. He got promoted to a different department and I could see the changes. He started hanging out more with college students who wanted to go out and party and go to strip clubs. He actually was upset with me one evening because he went to an office function and some of the younger guys wanted to go to a stip club and he didn't go because he knew I didn't like them so he came home and was mad at me all night. I was like go. I would much rather you go and come home happy then not go and come home mad. But he was a martyr and didn't go. But that was an example of our arguments. He did not hang out with any married couples. Just young single men. Don't get me wrong he went out everyday to lunch with them (young ones)and on week nights he went out with his older friends that were our age but still not married. I liked several of them and the ones I liked he quit going out with and inviting them over. I never got to see them anymore.
We would argue about the house sometimes. He owned the house before I moved in but when I moved in I started paying half of all the household bills and half the mortgage. I wanted to do things like paint the room and change the wallpaper in the dining room and kitchen. It was the same wallpaper since the house was originally built and it was built in 1969. But he said I couldn't change anything because it wasn't my house. But I was like I pay half the mortage and he would say "no you pay rent". So I felt never fully moved in. Like I was just there temporary. I rearranged dishes when I moved in to allow my stuff and he was mad at me for 3 years!! And still when I moved out was complaining about me moving dishes around. Our bedroom you could see a dividing line from "my stuff" and "his stuff". We never combined anything. We had 2 seperate living rooms. His and mine. And I was not to touch anything in "his living room" I was not supposed to go into "his closet". I wasn't to use "his bathroom". Too much segregation got on my nerves. I wanted to buy a bedroom set that was "ours" and he said no. He was still using the furniture he had when he lived at home. We just moved my bed in because it was bigger and I used my dresser. Segregation....
I don't know if it was a guilt trip. I said if you don't want to be around me then you are more than welcome to email or text if you want. And he said no he won't so I left it at that.
So shoot sounds pretty hopeless doesn't it? I guess I bought this book for nothing then.
I have been working on some changes I knew I had made when we were married. I used to have really short hair and LOVED it! But he "liked long hair, was attracted to long hair, thought I looked "butch" with short hair." So I grew it out. But all the time I am thinking you met me with short hair you fell in love with me with short hair...now you hate it??? So inside of me I hated it everyday because it looked awful. And to top it off he never touched it. No petting no rubbing now nothing with it. So what was the point? So my hair is now back short and I feel a million and one times better!!
I gained weight while we were married. I had certain eating habits when I was single. I ate when I was hungry and generally if I wasn't I wouldn't eat. But he was always focused on food. What's for breakfast, what's for lunch, you need to eat, you can't skip a meal, why are you having just salad???? And he loved to eat out so nature took its course and I gained about 40 pounds. And felt miserable. Either I ate and he was happy I was eating or upset because I was fat/or don't eat and listen to him complain about me setting a bad example for my daughter and you'll make yourself sick. Now the 40 lbs is gone and I feel good about myself again!!
Before we married I wore makeup and perfume. I wouldn't go out without my make up. I don't wear a boatload but I love my eyeliner and lipgloss. Well needless to say he didn't like perfume so I had to 100% stop wearing anything with smell. No lotion, hair products or perfume. I wanted some perfume so bad but I knew his "allergies" which were not allergies but I just let it go not a big deal. But also he started complaining about makeup how he didn't find it attractive. So I cut back. Not a big deal. But inside I really liked those things. But I didn't complain because it made him happy...or at least I thought it made him happy. If he was happy he wouldn't have left. So now I wear my eyeliner and lipgloss and put perfume on in the mornings before work and I feel really good!
I burned candles all the time before we got married and when we got married the smelly ones had to stop so I just stopped burning them. Now that is one of the first things I do when I go home is light my candle on the coffee table.
I like nice classy clothing. Wrap around shirts and things that look professional but classy and on the weekends I love my jeans and purple hightops or black boots. But he loved young girls with thongs hanging out of their jeans. To me that looked slutty and I don't like it, I didn't like a black bra under a white t-shirt, I am 39 not 19, so he slowly began to hate what I wore. Which in turn made me not like what I wore. Between that and the weight I was misserable in clothing. And my breasts grew to a DD and he HATES HATES HATES breasts. So yet again...try and hide them wear baggy shirts. He never touched them and only made negative comments about them. Now he is gone I love them! I buy cool bras for them and really think they look nice with my weight loss and height. I dont' try and cover them up and hide them. I don't show them either but tasteful shirts look really nice.
I don't know if these are changes that count though? Maybe I am moving in the wrong direction?? I physically and mentally with my looks and apartment feel a million times better but I really miss him in my heart and I can't change that. Only so many candles you can burn and new clothing to buy.
Now that I read all this. He really just didn't like "ME". Nothing I did made him happy. Eat this, grow that, don't touch this, like my friends, worship my dad, don't ask me for things. He once actually told me about a year and a half ago that if I wanted nice things not to expect them from him. Like jewerly or a new car or furniture. He said it was not in his nature to want to do nice things for me and if I wanted them I would have to buy them myself.
The more I read this the more miserable I feel about being in love with just a mean person. He really didn't love me, if you love someone you don't try and change things about them. You enjoy who they ar and purposely don't try to hurt them.
Wow Pink....that is quite a story. I'm sorry you found yourself in this situation...but glad you found your way here.
In reading your sitch, to me (IMHO) it sounds like your H has some serious control issues. He seems to be the type that wants complete dominance over every situation. Did you see any of this behavior before you were married?
It seems like you went thru a lot of changes in order to please him, but from what you have posted here, none of your changes has made him happy. Sounds like you lost a great deal of yourself in the process....evidently this did not make you happy....thus the breakdown in your M.
I think it is a good move for you to begin doing the things that make you feel good and feel more like yourself. Whether your H notices or not is really irrelevant at this point. I don't believe you should have to lose yourself or your independence when you get married. You individual personalities should compliment each other. Unfortunately this does not always happen.
I applaude you in getting back to your former self. I'm sure it took a lot of courage and strength to find yourself again. Retain that inner strength...it is yours to keep....and if you decide to continue on this journey into saving/rebuilding your M, you will need it.
My opinion, keep doing the things that make you happy and feel content. This is certainly a DB principle but should be a way of life in general. In the long run, no matter if your M survives or not, you will come thru this a better person. This site and the DB/DR books offer a ton of advice, empathy and support. Hang in there....we're here for you.
In reading your sitch, to me (IMHO) it sounds like your H has some serious control issues. He seems to be the type that wants complete dominance over every situation. Did you see any of this behavior before you were married?
I was thinking the same thing... in fact I was honestly wondering how you ever even ended up GETTING married given your description. It really sounds like he never actually wanted to be married to begin with. What do you think??
I agree to keep taking care of you - do what makes you happy, calm, content.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
When we fisrt started going out it was on and off and on and off. He didn't want to date me because his exact words: 1. I have a child 2. I have tattoos 3. I have short hair 4. I am older than him by 1 year (all previous girlfriends were in early twenties and we are in our late thirties) 5. I smoked.
So finally I was fed up with the back and forth and starting dating a super great man. I mean really great. I didn't have time for my husbands antics and told him he can be my friend but nothing more and I meant nothing more. So we puttereed along for about 6 months but I really didn't have time for him because I was really starting to like this man. Lo and behold he shows up one night knocking on my window after midnight declaring his love and what not and I told him to go home that he had his chance. He proceeded to email this man, stalk him, showing up at my house in the parking lot when my boyfriend would leave and he would call him and told him about how much he wanted to be with me and how much we meant to each other. Had the man so rattled and had his feelings hurt so bad that he eventually left after 2 weeks of non stop barrage from my husband. So we decided to give it 100% and we ended up getting married a bit later and it was great. Bumps here and there but over all really nice until his new position about now almost 2 years ago. Down hill like a comet since then. Oh yea I did quit smoking as soon as we got engaged because of his "allergies" and well I really feel good about myself not smoking so that was a good thing.
My husband told me a several times that he never had an argument with another woman. That he grew up not seeing his parents ever argue. Never and if a woman argued with him he would toss her out the door and stop dating her. He says I am the only woman he ever let "push his button", the only woman he ever loved and hated so much at the same time and I am the only women he ever argued with and kept him coming back for more. So I really don't understand him....
Good morning! So I calmed down a little bit after I posted on here. Cried until my eyes puffed up, watched the eclipse, took some tylenol made a nice cup of coffee and piled up in bed to re-read the Last Resort section....read it 3 times last night.
It seems to me that this section is pretty much saying that it is over and I am just going to be working on making myself feel better? Am I right? That I shouldn't hope we will get back togther but put it in my mind that we won't and work on moving forward?
