LRT UNDER SAME ROOF IIII

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

craig - good points to gypsy.

The 180's do cause our WAS to question themselves, all the opinions they've formed over the years about who we are and how we react. But keep in mind they have to be real and sincere.

I wish I could suggest something for the kids ... but all I can come up with is that you have to live your life based on the way God wants us to live - and He gave us Christ as an example. To that end - love your W or H and kids with all your heart. Help them understand that the best way to work out conflicts is to talk it out - but sometimes, people need to solve things separately, on their own, before they can solve things together. And it's ok. There may come a point where mom and dad have to spend some time apart. But you will continue to do everything in your power and pray to God to keep the family together.

[Gypsy]

Craig and I Wanna..

Thank you so much for your thoughts and words. It's strange how reading passages over and over again allows more of a perspective to seep in.

In some ways I feel like I'm playing a role, applying the basic principles which make an awful lot of common sense. My relationship with my kids changed with my 'wake up call' with H's revelation. All of sudden the need to justify that my way was the right way, a sense of defensiveness all melted away.

I have to work on not talking about my feelings or beliefs to H at this point since that's something he's uncomfortable with. In some ways over the years, it was easier to deny them and behave in increasingly destructive passive/aggressive behavior.

Ack.. I babble. It's not all about me. Loving my H and kids with all my heart is excellent advice. Love him enough to let him go as my babysteps of improving my life allows change on all our parts.

Thank you

[craig54]

well , i have been READING lots of posting on everybody's situation, it looks like we need a few more miracles this week. i know i am ready for one. lots of people have been dealing with their situations for 3-5 months and we all need some inspiration. from my point of view , my last weekend was tough. mostly because of my vivid imagination.galing usually takes care of alot of that. but it is just human nature to let your mind wander. usually on the negative.
just being on my knees before God is enough to help clear the fog out of my brain. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. but as soon as i think about my wife and children, i step back and remember what is at stake. my personal struggle seems pretty small in comparison to the end result of divorce. everyone take a big breath and slowly exhale. dont give up. remember what is at stake. we can all do it.

[addie]

Craig,
Thank you for posting on my thread a few days ago. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

You've been dealing with a lot the last couple of weeks. It's good to see you haven't given up and remain positive. I've only been dealing with this for a month, have had some backslides and sometimes feel like giving up. But you're right. We all must remain positive, have faith and recognize that we can get through this and become better people. We can do it!

[COG]

Craig,

well , i have been READING lots of posting on everybody's situation, it looks like we need a few more miracles this week. i know i am ready for one. lots of people have been dealing with their situations for 3-5 months and we all need some inspiration.

My W and I were separated for almost 4 years. That was after living in the same house separately for about a year and a half. Well I'm here to say that things changed in my sitch, miracles happened. Probably the greatest miracle was in how I changed. As much as I thought my W was the one needing to be fixed, it wasn't until I accepted the truth about myself that our sitch began to change.

Hang in there brothers and sisters. Know that this is a battle between good and evil, more so than between two human beings. Take hard looks at yourself, your life, your actions, and words. Listen to your S, they know you better than anyone else. Listen and pray about what changes YOU need to make to become a better person. Learn to love your S unconditionally, as they are, for whom they are, and how they feel. Strive to understand and love them, not to change them. Seek and honest and unconditional friendship first, and build from there.

It's a lot of hard work, but worth the effort. The focus needs to be on YOU changing, not your S.

With God, anything is possible.

Courage, Strength and Faith,

COG

[john210]

COG,

I accept and believe what you say about the focus being on US changing. It is not easy to do when you are down and living under the same roof. The constant reminder is difficult. No excuses though.....maybe our WAS need to change a little also.

[craig54]

cog, interesting, i was just thinking about you, and low and behold you post on my situation. good to hear from you. i must tell you, how right you were when you wrote to me a few months ago. my life has changed alot. my life!!!. not my wifes. but because i have been changing she has noticed, without me saying a word. she is mirroting my spiritual changes and searching herself. she has cleaned up her language, she is getting on the kids about theirs. she is listening to tapes on prayer. she is going to church every sunday. i am loving her unconditionally, i sometimes fail. but i get back on track quickly. you are right about the unseen powers of darkness, they do not want this marriage to work. but The Lord does. as far as the divorce is concerned, she filed almost 4 weeks ago. i must decide to respond or not, because there will be a settlement agreement. i asked the LOrd whether i should respond, or not, because of the settlement agreement , i technically dont have to. i am trusting God to show me what to do. thanks cog, god bless you , thanks for you spiritual guidance.

[frank_D]

No excuses though.....maybe our WAS need to change a little also.

Yes, they do. COG is saying that HE needed to change himself, NOT specifically so his W and he could be together but because COG needed to deal with his own demons.

Now, as a side effect his W found being with him more attractive than being without him. But if you follow his story it's clear that that was only the beginning for HER changes to her own life.

Without that step COG would have been the 'new improved' man trying to live with the same W that left him emotionally.

There is no guarantee that the WAS will deal with their own issues. None whatsoever. The only guarantee we can give out here is that when YOU deal with yours, your life will change. And when YOUR life changes those around you MUST change because they are no longer dealing with the same 'you' any longer.

[COG]

john,

I accept and believe what you say about the focus being on US changing. It is not easy to do when you are down and living under the same roof.

NOTHING is easy about reconciling a broken M. It's difficult because WE are difficult. Weak, selfish, needy, controlling and cowardly. We just never grew up to manhood. Thought it was about being cool, selfish, critical, demeaning, physical, arrogant, and stuck up. What we learned from our friends and our fathers was pretty flawed, but thankfully it's not permanent, if WE decide differently.

maybe our WAS need to change a little also

One thing you can count on for sure. They WILL change. You just stay focused on YOU. On letting go your neediness, your expectations, your self preservation, your anger, fear, resentment and anxiety. Those are all tools carefully planted in your mind by evil to allow, motivate, and guide you to failure. Courage, strength and faith will shatter that house of cards, and bring the truth into your life. Be brave, be bold, be honest, and believe in the one God that is love.

Fight the good fight!

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

Craig,

Great to hear about the changes your W is making. It'll help your R no matter what happens with your M. I'm proud of you for taking hold of your life, making the changes necessary to become a better H and father. You will be blessed no matter what happens.

Don't know what to tell you about responding to your W's filing. My gut tells me the longer you can delay it, the greater chance you may have of it dying the slow death that it deserves. One day at a time brother, one baby step at a time.

Stay the course, love unconditionally, grow the man you are meant to be.

God Bless,

COG