And the Survey Says....

[Imconfused0807]

We asked 100 people the following question...top 3 answers are on the board....Ok, So I've got too much idle time on my hands watching the Family Fued, while I'm recovering and a situation has come up on the boards that got me thinking....this is usually not a good thing I'm curious to see how the board would respond to the following situation:

So here you are...a married couple in your early 30's. You've got a couple kids...young kids. A nice spouse, but you're having an affair. It's been revealed, but it continues. You've moved out, leaving behind your spouse and kids. You've asked for a divorce and are currently pursuing it. You want out of your marriage...or so it seems. Now, here is my question(s):

Now given the above situation...You're not aware of the Dbing chit, but you find out that your spouse is GAL. Going out with friends having a good time (you don't know if they dating friends or just friend friends...but it shouldn't matter, you're wanting out and you've got your supposed loved one waiting for you..right?) What is your reaction to the news that your soon to be ex-spouse is maybe finding some form of happiness in their life given the situation?

Are you:

A: Generally happy for them. You're comfortable, you're moving on and pursuing your own thing and glad to see that your ex-spouse is going to be ok...they're finding their own happiness

B: Not overly excited for them. You have a conversation with them following their night out with friends and instead of being happy that they had a good time, you bring up sticking points in the divorce / separation proceedings...maybe as a way of knocking them down from their high. Hmmm, maybe you're not as comfortable with you're spouse GAL...but why shouldn't you be...you've got your other lady/man waiting for you right?

C: Neither / Other / Fill in the blank.

Thanks guys!

- IC, "Whip Cream!" as IC resumes watching Family Fued and answers the question.."Name something you would normally find on a woman's body?"

[sat567]

"A"

Hairdog, who wonders where IC's going with this.

[CharlieBrown]

I too wonder where IC is going, but I will play along...

"B" for sure. While I would like to think, given the facts you have laid out that I would answer "A" the reality is that I project my own situation onto on that has skeletal facts like that one. And in my situation, if I left my wife it would be because I finally gave up after her not making any real effort for years on end. In such a case, her moving on that quickly would be a sign that I never got through to her and would leave me even more frustrated. But, I am not going to give up and at some point, she is going to start making an effort, and I am going to win the lotto soon, and this fall I will have a candidate for President I am excited about (ok, that one is not realistic, I admit)...

What's up with the scenario, IC?

PF

[Lillieperl]

This actually happened in my first M (except we had no children). I was a WAW, a fact I'm not proud of, but my exH was remarried within the year to a woman I had introduced him to.

The initial feeling was just a "funny" feeling. Yeah, he's getting on with his life...

Later it helped with my feelings of guilt. I was glad he was happy because something good came out of this.

MANY years later-- 25+-- I had a major meltdown one day when I realized he had gone on without me and had a life, while I felt I had been circling the tower for years.

BTW the two of them are still married ~32 years later.

A counseling prof I had at the time said that the person who leaves (or initiates the breakup) usually struggles with guilt, and the other one usually struggles with self-esteem.


Much of this depends on whether you parted in real rancor or just sort of "moved on." IOW how attached are you still to the ex. I'm sure children (especially YOUNG children) would vastly complicate the sitch.

[saffie]

IC - The answer has to be C

Just because I don't want my S doesn't mean he would be entitled to go get a life. I would have ruined him for anyone else, ( Yep.....I am that good..... ).

He must stay at home and tend the family and pine for me for the rest of his days. That's what I have told all my old BF's too......just coz I don't want them anymore doesn't make them free to move on......

I know it's not fair - but life isn't..

Now if you have SO much time on your hands to ask stupid questions why haven't you emailed me?

I am standing here....tapping my foot, (encased in RED leather thigh boots), and gently swinging my cat-o-nine tails back and forth

It's very apt that I have to hit the word 'submit' to post my post don't ya think?

[SouthernGirl]

As saffie said, a lot of people would do a combination of B and C, because while they may or may not have moved on they still want their spouse to pine for them for the rest of their lives, because that was the deal, right?

If you're angling for "I know someone whose spouse did "B" and does that mean they might still want the marriage" my opinion is "you can't tell". They might still want the marriage, they might want to cake-eat, or they might really have moved on and just be the petty type. Nor should it matter to the spouse. They should continue to GAL and if WA comes back great (if LBS still wants them) and if not they'll still be fine.

[Corri]

IC:

For a good deal of people who go have affairs... and then their spouse goes and gets a life... the wayward spouse is all the sudden... 'hey, wait a second here...' and the wayward spouse now becomes jealous or mean in regard to Other's behavior.

This is outlined, ver batim, in The Passion Trap.

I'm sure it is one of the prime reasons Michelle urges those reading DB/DR to go GAL.

[Imconfused0807]

Red leather thigh high boots and cat-o-nine tails....I'll be back in a few minutes {as IC hobbles off to a cold shower }

- IC

[Imconfused0807]

{IC re-enters room, drying his hair with a towel} Hmmm, I thought chemo would be saving me money on shampoo by now, but all it is doing is adding some grey

Ok, I'm not really going anywhere with my questioning...I just thought I would throw it out there

No, actually there is a poster over in Newcomers that is having this type of scenario. She is the LBS and in some of her posts, I'm seeing just what Corri posted happening to her spouse. I've posted to her a few times about this same point that Corri made {although not so clear}, but I just wanted to see what this fine group over here in SSM had to say about it before reporting the results back to her.

For those that were looking for more from my questioning....sorry to disappoint

- IC {as IC switches over to the Fredericks of Hollywood web-site and searches for thigh high leather boots to fit Miss IC}

[RedHeadWife]

IC, dude, from everything I have been up against in the last year -- the D sitch and now this bizarre rehab thing -- I have learned one huge lesson: YOU NEVER KNOW HOW YOU ARE GOING TO REACT TO A SITCH UNTIL IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS TO YOU.

I had always thought/said "you cheat, you're gone;" however H has now had 1 EA, 1 ONS and 2 affairs while deployed and guess where I am and have been for the last year: fighting for my M.

Now as far as your question goes, it would really depend a lot of the circumstances of the entire sitch. Is the WAS truly not in love w/ their spouse anymore or have they just been sucked into the honeymoon of an affair. If the WAS truly still loves his/her spouse and deep in their heart it is killing them to leave their family the way they are, then when the LBS starts GAL'ing to the max, it's going to drive the WAS crazy. However, on the other hand if their M has gone way past reconciliation and the affair isn't just a "passing honeymoon," the WAS would probably either (1) not care at all that their ex was GAL and/or (2) not even notice.