That is why I said your exH was the best chance for you to work through your issues. These other men are not going to have the patience to do that.
In what alternate universe are you imagining my ex as someone with the patience to work through issues, sexual or otherwise? Are you seriously suggesting that I get back together with a man who is currently living in an efficiency apartment on the street where the hookers work in Denver, making $7 an hour, not paying child support, not talking to either of his parents, almost certainly drinking too much and not taking the ADs a slew of psychiatrists agreed he was in need of.. the man with whom I had sex 3x in the same week maybe 3x in the whole course of our marriage? Whatever my current difficulties/issues may be, I can assure you that the interactions that I have had with other men since my split have thoroughly made it clear to me that my 2bx and I were extremely sexually incompatible. I am WAY out of his f*cking league, both literally and figuratively.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MOJO, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK HIM WHAT HE MEANT BY FREAK?????
Because I knew what he meant by freak. He meant somebody who is hyper-sexual. What I probably really didn't like was that he implied that I would have dated a lot of men if I was single because I was a freak. It was like he was saying that being a freak will make you a slut. Of course, I am hyper-sensitive about the topic. Really, it wasn't that he was giving me a back-handed compliment but rather being defensive about his own "player" history. The reason he is defensive is because he tells me that he wants to be in a relationship with me but I act like I don't believe him because he has dated a bajillion women. Mostly the reason we got into an altercation over Valentine's Day is that he thinks that I am his girlfriend but I don't act like one. The reason he thinks I am his girlfriend is he pretty much did everything short of saying "Will you be my girlfriend?" to make the situation clear but I have issues that make it hard for me to pick up these signals that are not unrelated to the issues that made me think that men were just being nice to me when they were sexually hitting on me. Therefore, I behaved in a manner that apparently conveyed to him that "I wouldn't care if he had been hit by a car and was in the hospital." because "it is an impossibility that I will ever call him if he doesn't call me." Then he said "Happy Valentine's Day" and then I started crying.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Scuze me... sorry... I have WAAAYYY tooo many responses in my brain whirling right now to coherently respond at the moment. I don't know which red flag to jump on, there are so many flippin choices...
And don't you DARE, for one second, feel bad for this schleb.
Well someone who insults you and still wants to be in a R with you merits only one reaction:
Kick him to the curb.
I don't want you hanging around guys who say things that make you feel bad about yourself. Especially when they say bad things about parts of yourself that you like.
I don't care what cobra says, this is not about your "issues." Everyone has issues. You can work out issues with someone who is nice to you as well as you can with someone who says mean things to you. Take it from me: I know.
((((Mojo))))
He clearly wants more from this than you do (EVEN THOUGH he thinks you are a hypersexual freak), and there's nothing wrong with you for not wanting the same level of involvement. It sounds very healthy to me.
Trust yourself, your gut feelings, and your instincts.
When you meet a guy that you want for a boyfriend, you'll have no problem acting like a girlfriend. I'm positive of this!
Mostly the reason we got into an altercation over Valentine's Day is that he thinks that I am his girlfriend but I don't act like one. The reason he thinks I am his girlfriend is he pretty much did everything short of saying "Will you be my girlfriend?" to make the situation clear
Mojo, I don't know if you missed that particular memo but men who want you to be their girlfriend say "will you be my girlfriend". Really. If he wants the situation clear he will make it clear. Then you can say "yes" or "no" or "I'll get back to you sometime during the next lunar year". But to leave it ambiguous on purpose and THEN get into a tiff because you're not acting the way he wants is just .......arrrgh.
Mojo, I don't know if you missed that particular memo but men who want you to be their girlfriend say "will you be my girlfriend". Really. If he wants the situation clear he will make it clear. Then you can say "yes" or "no" or "I'll get back to you sometime during the next lunar year". But to leave it ambiguous on purpose and THEN get into a tiff because you're not acting the way he wants is just .......arrrgh.
Okay, probably it is the case that he made it very clear but I am the moron. It was just kind of confusing because he was saying that he wanted to commit to a relationship before we had even met in person so I, of course, indicated that I thought that was crazy and didn't take him seriously. He said that I should take him seriously because he's the type of person who makes decisions and sticks with them. So, when we were together over the weekend he kept acting like we were a couple with a future (like he told me I should get a library card in his city) but he never actually said it. Plus he got text messages from his ex that indicated that she wanted to get back together with him in girl-ese and she had dumped him in a very ego-deflating way and they had been together for quite a while. Plus I am broke and bohemian and I can't figure out why a well-off workaholic who grew up in poverty and therefore has issues around money would want to be in a relationship with me. He says because I am hot but I was hoping that really it was because I am a fun playmate. I actually do like him. His earliest childhood memory is that his mother was having important company over that she wanted to impress and she put him to bed for the evening and he ran out of his bedroom naked and laughing and got an *ss-whipping. He has a very good relationship with his mother as an adult and he helps her out financially so he thinks this memory is funny. So you can see that we are kind of compatible.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hmmmmmm. Looking back at your "ticket to ride" thread around the end of January, it seems pretty clear that he had stated his strong desire for exclusivity (one might almost say, "assumption of exclusivity") and you had just sort of decided to go with the flow, neither confirming nor denying, based on "market forces" or some such.
I'm kinda with what Burg said back then, about FSG vibing wayyyyyyyy needier than is seemly with regard to this. Ditto with the phoning stuff, if memory serves. The "freak" remark seems like a snarky covert revelation of his uncertainty re: your relationship status.
Doesn't seem to me that you were particularly unclear. His assertions about the nature of your relationship, however passionate, are in no way binding on you, and it's somewhat disturbing that he isn't grasping that. It perhaps would be well if you gave him some clarity on where you stand, in words of one syllable; sounds like he needs it. But his pushiness on the matter is tending to shade me toward the "dump him" camp.
Especially if that "car/hospital" remark was as pathetically needy and manipulatively guilting as it sounds. It's early days for that much puppy, and *weak* puppy at that.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Does he care what *you* want out of the relationship??? Timing, nature, etc??? I see no sign of it from what you've posted.
He makes decisions and sticks with them .... ok. First, you've just met each other in person and already he's making long term plans .....o-kaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy. And what about *your* decisions?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Mojo, you are not a moron. If you say something like that again, I'm going to come right over there and force-feed you a quart of Ben & Jerry's flavor of your choice, paint your fingernails and toenails, brush your hair, dress you in footie pajamas with bunnies AND puppies on then, and put you to bed in nice, soft sheets. Don't EVER call yourself a moron.
Would you let your daughter talk to herself that way?
And there are plenty of reasons why a man would want to be in a R with you.
And hot IS the same as being a great playmate.
He told you early on that he wanted exclusivity. You didn't believe him, because he hadn't met you yet. Well he didn't need to meet you: he had a complete picture of you in his head. Who cares what you're really like or what you really want. He treated you like a Russian mail-order bride or something. Next time you'll know better.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
There's nothing wrong with you except that you didn't take this guy literally enough.
