Just curious, how many here have a problem getting their SO to discuss relationship issues? I have had and continue to have a very difficult time getting my W to listen. I am careful not to come across as hostile or demanding, and that I'm just trying to tell her how I feel. I even preface the convo with the statement that I don't expect anything from her, just an open ear.
One thing that may be influencing this is my W uses me like an emotional tampon, she unloads on me daily and I provide the reassurance and guidance on the things she is troubled about. But I don't normally do this to her. If I try, she either gets pissed off or acts like a deer in the headlights and changes the subject.
This is very frustrating, it shuts the whole communication process down before it even gets started. I just don't get it.
Tough issue. I am really careful about what I even try to talk about in the R talks because it has been my experience that they are only effective at me getting something off my chest. In the end, no matter how much my wife agrees with me and commits to act, things don't change as a result of the talks. The tough thing is that if we don't have them once in a while, I build up too much resentment and it tends to come out in a different way than attended, so I do think there is a value in pressure relief, if nothing else.
To your immediate question, I struggle in how to get the talks started and build up a lot of anxiety knowing that she will be defensive. It helps me to have some responses ready to move us past the first minute and once we get talking, we are usually ok. For example, my wife likes to immediately change the subject to something about me that she "has been meaning to bring up" and frequently that succeeds in putting me on the defensive and sucking me into that discussion. I have had some success in saying, "so XYZ is bugging you? I would be happy to talk about that next, but first let's talk about why I get rejected every time I bring up sex and what that is doing to our relationship..."
PF...who is trying to block the emotional tampon reference out of his mind.
Last edited by Packerfan; 02/15/0807:47 PM.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Try to relay only 1 item at a time. I have the same difficulty with being a "dump site" of issues without an ability to feedback so I try to validate what she says. When I want to bring something up I try to isolate it to one thing and keep the discussion to a few sentences. More than that and she tunes me out, even if she can talk for an hour or more about her issues.
SO!! I am not alone on this one...Thanks for the comments ,I know exactly what you guys mean. Today's search for meaning led me to articles about intimacy, guess what most of said? They define intimacy as the ability for a person to reveal their needs, issues, and fears to another and receive support and understanding. Without intimacy, the couple will eventually suffer from sexual issues, etc etc. I'm paraphrasing a bit but this is interesting as as a potential root cause.
I'm deeply conflicted here:
1. The prevailing theory is that communication is essential. 2. It could make me feel better, but it's damn near impossible, and probably won't lead to any meaningful changes. 3. After communication is intimacy, which is going to be really difficult to achieve given the difficulty in communication) 4. Mutual intimacy requires both parties to actually care about the needs of the other.
It seems so simple to me for my W to just say "Stu, you say you are not happy, why is that exactly". And then "OK, well may be we could try X? How does that sound?". I do this all the time with her.
But no. No response. Ignoring it is the same as saying "f*ck you".
Stu Just curious, how many here have a problem getting their SO to discuss relationship issues? I have had and continue to have a very difficult time getting my W to listen. I am careful not to come across as hostile or demanding, and that I'm just trying to tell her how I feel. I even preface the convo with the statement that I don't expect anything from her, just an open ear. I seem to have the same problem. Your situation is a little different. I never said I didn’t expect anything from my W.
One thing that may be influencing this is my W uses me like an emotional tampon, she unloads on me daily and I provide the reassurance and guidance on the things she is troubled about. Same here. I call it dunping. Using the word tampon will get you in hot water.
One thing is, some people just like to dump their garbage. Stu, never try to fix any of her garbage unless it is truly your problem to fix.
But I don't normally do this to her. I try to keep quiet about my problems. Most of my stuff, she wouldn’t have the foggiest notion about what to do.
If you're depending on a particular reaction in order to carry on any sort of conversation, you'll probably not have a very good one. The other person is very unlikely to follow your script, whatever it may be... that's the reason that the Turing Test works so well. Computers follow scripts in conversation, people don't.
A conversation is a kind of dance. One moves, the other reacts and plays off of it, then the first one plays off of her reaction and so on. You can't really plan it all out beforehand... you've got to get your right brain firing on all cylinders and verbally dance with her.
The more practice you get, and the less anxiety and distraction you've got clouding your brain, the better you become at it. And if you're bringing a hidden agenda (as in, what should I say now to make her smile/want me/do me/love me), that's not conducive to getting her to let her guard down and dance with you.
And it could be that she's just determined not to work with you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Then what?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
