When my wife asked me for a divorce, everyone asked me if there was some one else. She was acting too confident for a SAHM with 3 kids faced with going out on her own. I was of course was defending my W saying it could never be true...
Then I did some looking around. Found a new card for her 40th B-day - from an ex-b who she was seeing just before me. Then I found an email where I discovered they had contact, unknown to me and where she professed her love to him - and to wait for her for the divorce to be final before contacting again. She also said in the email however that she was going to give me a chance with the trial separation and that I was a 'good man'.
If your goal is to still try and save your marriage, then yes -- I think you should confront and expose, and begin to work at healing your marriage with everything you've got. If your marriage is over, then I would go by a favorite quote of mine:
"You always have to tell the truth; I just wouldn't go around tellin' it." If I was asked by a friend or family member, I would tell them honestly "she was having an affair, I'm sorry to have to tell you." If you're asked by an acquaintance, I would keep it to yourself. If you're not asked at all, I wouldn't offer.
"Never shield an infidel from the consequences of their infidelity."
From what I can determine - there wasn't a physical affair - but there definitely is an emotional connection between the two of them, even after not seeing each other for 10 or so years. Is that really considered an affair?
If that "friendship" has caused her to be emotionally and/or physically distant from you, has caused her to lie/omit the truth and she has come right out asking for a D, then YES she is having an emotional affair. Google emotional affairs - they are just as damaging to a M as PA. My H wouldn't admit he was having an A because there had been no physical involvement. He kept saying he had done nothing wrong yet it tore our M apart. As soon as we separated he was ready to start up a PA with OW. So yes, there definitely was an A going on.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I'm new to this so forgive any errors. I read Michelle's book and it seems to me that you might be pushing her into the arms of the OM if you confront her. I would feel elated to have found an email that said my husband was going to give me a chance during the separation. There will come a time when she will realize that the newness of her feelings for the OM might not be grounded in reality.
I'll provide a more disturbing perspective. My W was in a similar boat, in MLC for months, made contact with an old old boyfriend. For awhile claimed it was just her fantasy escape, had never seen him, etc. Then I became aware of a conversation (not going to reveal how that happened) between them where she outright lied that I had made an appointment to get a divorce (totally no basis in reality) and it wouldn't be long before they could be together. So they started comparing schedules to make a tryst based on her lie, and she ended by telling him she loved him. A few days later she started staying out until all hours, almost flaunting it. ALL THIS HAPPENED VERY QUICKLY OVER THE SPAN OF A FEW SHORT WEEKS!!!! It was like a dam hd broken and they become like horny teenagers who couldn't control their lust and ultimately had to consumate their relationship as quickly as possible. You aren't going to stop it if it goes this way. If you try to confront her I do think you will push her even more quickly into the arms of the OM. Just understand that ultimately she is an adult and will do what she wants to do, you can't stop it, you can't controll it, and you aren't in any way to blame for it. Doesn't make it much easier but you will at least be able to look at yourself in the mirror each day. Good luck!
If you confront her it will most likely push her further away from you. That's what happened with me. I couldn't ignore what was going on (I also was snooping). I kept confronting H and pushed him right out the door. He is now actively pursuing PA with OW (if it hasn't happened already). Having said that, I had a very hard time detaching from H while he was still living here. Now that I exposed A, I have been able to detach, regroup and get on with DB. I would not recommend this approach to everyone though. If you can live with the knowledge that she is having EA while the 2 of you are in the same house, then don't confront her and actively DB.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
This "you'll only drive them together" is a myth and b.s., in my opinion. In almost every sad, horrible situation on these boards (and I read all of them, even if I don't post on them all), the infidels are already "together!" And they're getting to do it with damned near the "blessing" of their spouses who are afraid to confront them and fight for their marriages.
No, you can't "force" someone to not have an affair. But you can damned sure fight for your spouse, and let them KNOW that you will fight for them, and not enable the behavior. I'm not saying you do that personally, addie, but many who advocate the "Whatever you do, don't spook the infidels!" approach do.
There's a big difference between GAL and DBing, and being a doormat. I realize that there are two schools of thought on this, and reasonable people can (and do) disagree, but I just don't think you should ever base your disagreement on the false illusion that you'll "only drive them together."
These people are already together, and actively setting the agenda and the timetable for the exits from their marriages.
