partner left after 9 years - MLC or just IDLYA?

[AliSuddenly]

Hi everyone, my last one locked, so where I'm at right now is here... my sitch

Not feeling good today, woke early at 6 again, thinking about him as usual, been crying on and off all day. Spoke to a friend and my sister, who ask me if I might be depressed? DOnt know and dont want to take anything (dead against it), rather just work through the emotions and hopefully get through to the other side.

I think it really upset me that he injured himself, ended up in A&E and still didnt call me. I'm finding it hard to be patient, because essentially, I am not seeing any positive signs to make waiting make sense. He just doesnt seem interested. He did say he really cared about me, but I dont see the evidence of that. I wonder why there is such little contact now? Is it that he still so guilty he cant even speak to me (as he said on Boxing Night) or is it that he may have met someone, or is seeing that girl I was suspicious of (could be unfounded), or is he just being a bit rubbish and avoiding stuff, which is his usual style?

I had sent him a text message yesterday evening, suggesting he try sweated leeks for his bowel problem (!) and that I hope he is doing ok and not in too much pain. He texted back at 11 am this morning...

Hiya. Thanks for the advice - normal service resumed this morning !

And thats it. Even less than yesterday I would say. What do I make of that? What can you make of that after 9 years and knowing someone 12 years. Is that all he can manage? We still havnt spoken about this remortgage issue, which is now urgent, and I havent brought it up with him.

I havent cried or done R talks since 22 Dec. I havent phoned him since before New Year. Now I only reply if he contacts me and then I dont say much...but I cant see that this is working. weeks of that and it just seems we are further apart than before, if that were possible. My instinct is to text him a bit more directly and ask him, are you ok? How is your leg? We should talk...

or something. Or, I could ignore his text and see what he does. Probably nothing. From his perspective, I am no longer being emotional with him and he is probably relieved? If I dont bring up R things, he wont have to either. He may well think I am doing ok now and moving on and accepted it, as I havent said otherwise and I acted all normal when he came for his things.

Feeling extremely despondent and like I need to take a risk and ask him some questions, seeing as it feels too late anyway...Or, like I said, ignore it and wait and see...

AARRGHHH! Whats the point? Seems that its just over.

Sorry to be negative, feeling low and losing all perspective on this.

Ali x
--------------------
Me: 36
H: 34
LT: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
my sitch

[AliSuddenly]

Ha..and then my stars for tommorow say...

"It looks like there is change a coming. For many Pisceans, one long standing relationship is about to get a mighty shake up. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but most certainly in the not too distant future. And does the shake up have to be bad? Not on your Nelly! It could be the best thing that's happened to you in - literally - months or even years. What you do have to be clear on now though is what you want. Don't cling to the past out of fear of the future."

Oh I wish something would HAPPEN.. I'm sick of WAITING for something to change and I know I cant control him, or the R, only me, but I cant help it, I am waiting to have some kind of conversation with him. Good or bad. I just cant stand indifferent..

[AliSuddenly]

feeling a bit abandoned on me new thread this evening! I still havent replied to his text message...I dont know what to say anymore. It all seems so silly, its not real. Hes not showing me the real him and I havent been showing him the real me since Christmas (for obvious dbing reasons!). Part of me wants to reply to keep the contact going, and part of me hasnt the heart to, because he left me, without making a single solitary effort to fix it, he just walked off. He could be in MLC, depressed or loved up with someone new. I honestly dont know anymore. He seemed more MLCish and less loved up last weekend, but then, now I dont know what to think. We're not in contact enough to tell.

I suppose I should ignore the text from this morning and wait and see what happens next ??

Ali

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Ali)))))

I dont know about ignoring the text....he started the exchange, and has kept it up. It isn't anything eathshattering, but he could have dropped it. So, I would be tempted to respond, really lightly, maybe "that's good to hear" or maybe a subtle play on words if you can do it without going overboard. It's a little connection, but it seems to me he is keeping it open, since he could have dropped it.

[doa180]

I would agree with d_h... my mistake is that I usually respond with a question to try to keep it going and then I am disappointed when it does not.

Earlier today I responded with a supportive statement and then W sent back more information... I should (will?) learn from this lesson but I still backslide alot and ask one too many follow up questions. Then I'm just left wondering if I made her mad, if she is busy, etc. and I drive myself nuts!

[Essie]

hi Ali
Sorry to hear that you are feeling emotional. And having trouble with the text messages etc. I think if you dont text him back you are going to feel stronger and more in control - if I text H and he doesn't return the text I kind of feel silly....

If you want to try texting him I'd try something like 'Ha Ha - you make me laugh.'

Alright - time to shift the focus back onto you. Is there something really fun / crazy that you would like to do? Something in a few months time that you are going to start making plans for? Hows the new hair colour treating you? Did you end up doing some re-decorating? And how did your final practical (or was it an exam) go??

[AliSuddenly]

ok, thanks guys! I just saw your messages, so I sent a reply. 9 1/2 hours later this time! So I'm not doing too badly. I made a jokey reference to "steamy heapies" :-) and just said I hope you are able to get around now and its less painful.

That was it. Dont suppose it warrants a reply either, I didnt ask him any questions. But I took your advice, and kept it light.

Thankyou Jeff and DOA!

This really is so pathetic. To think we buried his father together and we are now reduced to texting each other discussing his sh*t.

Sorry, that actually made me laugh for the first time today.

Its really not funny though.
Ali

[doa180]

Good for you! Sometimes you just gotta laugh at the absurdity of it all.

[AliSuddenly]

Oops Essie, I already sent it! Oh well, does it really matter anymore?? At least I am still giving him space, not phoning etc. I scraped a pass because my exhibition piece was so good, but nearly failed as I havent been in much since all ths happened :-( But at least I did pass!

Never got to dyeing my hair, was going to tonight, then...I AM FREAKED BY THIS...I decided to start taking paying customers for astrology readings, I havent ever before (only done it for friends and family), but another way to make money...so, I call this lady up who I met who asked for a reading..and turns out...she is planning to be a WAS ! Shes been with her H 21 years, he had an PA 14 years ago (those 7 year cycles again) and she has stored up resentments and indifference toward him for the past 5, so is now planning to leave...as she is having an A with a MM !! Who has 2 children under 6, but his W has no idea!! And she gave me his birth details too as they both want to know the best time to hit their partners with this.

I honestly didnt know what to say, other than, ok we'll look at the reading. I cant advise her what to do in terms of her decision to leave, but will tell her..go read this website !

Thats the 2nd time this week (my friend confessed to thinking of being a WAS and they have 2 children under 18 months! I told her to go back to C and to read some books and try again)

Is the universe sending me these people for a reason???

Thanks for your help guys, I really seem to need hand holding. I swing from believing hes damaged and depressed and in MLC, to just that he is just dishonest and is seeing an OW. Dont know!! I am operating in a vacuum of information though...

Oh and Essie.. I changed my mind and booked to go to Berlin with college, I wasnt going to cos of all this, but I thought, no, I gotta make myself do it and it will be fun...its in 3 weeks time. Does that count !?

[AliSuddenly]

Woke up this morning with a moment of clarity.. I see that me sending him these texts saying "I hope it doesnt still hurt" is a bit pointless and maybe should have just left it at something jokey. He isnt sending them to me saying "I hope you're ok" so for me to do that to him is perhaps pressure. I suppose its all part of the same thing, to all intents and purposes, hes gone and showing no signs of wanting to reconcile in any form. And I have had trouble accepting that and realising I am not the person he turns to anymore for help and comfort. I dont know whose been helping him, if anyone, through this little crisis he had, but he didnt come to me. I am still holding the thuoght that of course he would come to me, as I would go to him in times of need. But I guess he really doesnt feel that way about me anymore. I always felt secure about the way he felt about me, there was no doubt in my mind that he loved me, right from when he first confessed how he felt, before we got together. So this has been so hard. I've no idea how he sees me now. He said when he left that he loved me as a friend. So far he hasnt treated me like one, I had hoped we could at least stay friends. But if I am still in love with him and hes still avoiding contact with me, I cant see how we're going to get to that point. Hopefully we will, I'd rather have him as a friend, than lose him from my life completely.

Just wanted to get things out of my head this morning. If Essies reading this....you do have some contact with your H, but would you say you were working towards friendship, or is it even possible? I think at this stage its the best I can hope for.

Ali