What the he!! is happening now?

[bright 2 morro]

Hi All,
It has been a while since I have been on the boards. Long story short, my H left in April of last year came home in June and left in October. While he was gone the first time he was mean and nasty to me. While he was home he was fairly decent. Then when he left again he bacame very mean and nasty until right after christmas. For the last month it has been great. While he was not at home we were actually working together for the kids and getting along. We had conversations and he would appologize for the things he would do wrong that he knew would hurt me.

On Monday night he came out to dinner with me and the kids. We had a great time we laughed and joked and talked. After dinner I called him about a situation with the daycare and the kids. He was so great on the call. He started saying things like it is time that we crack down on these kids and get them to behave like the should. I did not even have to ask him he just jumped in and offered all that help. I in turn thanked him for his support and help. Right after that he asked me about child support (he knows that this is not a good subject). I told him that I did not want to discuss it. He pushed me and pushed me and i finally said that I had not thought of any other amount other than the standard. From that point on he has been a completely different person.

He is blaming me for trying to get revenge on him because I will not settle for less money. He is blaming me for getting revenge on him if I do not get my way. He said he was compromising because if he had it his way he would have the kids and not pay me any money. And that I am not even willing to budge. Well, I have already told him that I do not need to have Allimony. He would not accept that as a compromise (I did not even bring this up this week). In my opinion he is the one being irrational because I will not do everything his way. The minute I do not agree to do things his way he threatens lawyers and legal battles and meanness.

Now he won't even talk to me. He came to pick up the kids and I told him to have a good day and he pretty much turned his head at me.

For those of you who have gone through this and are back in the marriage, have you experienced this? Is this something that I should just let it play through. Why the sudden change in attitude?

I want to hold out for my marriage but I am actually getting to the point where I want to move on with someone else. I am in a tough spot in making a decision. I will tell you that there are two reasons why I am holding on.

1. because I know that I love this man (ok the non alien guy), I know what he is capable of and I know he was never like this.

2. I would be willing to put all of this behind us for the kids. They want nothing more than to have their Dad back in the family. My D9 is having a lot of problems with this and it is getting worse not better. She actually asked me yesterday. Why would he do this to his kids if he knows how painful it is because he went through it? His parents were divorced. And then she said why would he want to hurt his kids.


Any insite would be greatly appreciated. Is there still hope and what is this weird turn. My suspicions are that he was getting to close again and enjoying it so he pulled back hard. But I am not sure.

B2M

[a new 2moro]

My suspicions are that he was getting to close again and enjoying it so he pulled back hard. But I am not sure.

pretty much sums it up B2M...hes obviously not done baking yet.

[bright 2 morro]

Does this really happen in their warped alien minds? I so feel bad for him. I hate to see him going through this.

I know this won't work but I want to walk up to him and slap him silly and tell him to wake up. lol.

[bombardier50]

B2M,
For what it's worth, everytime my W starts getting close to me, there's a backlash. She looks for something to get angry about, some perceived slight or comment, and blows it out of proportion. My DB coach told me it's a self-protection mechanism. Over the course of the past few weeks, her backlashes have become much less intense.

Anyway, this may or may not be the case with you, but thought I'd throw it in.

Bomb

[bright 2 morro]

No, I believe it is the case. When he is close to me he tells me things like he hates treating me meanly, that he does not hate me and thinks I am a great person. Then he pulls away and it is the complete opposite.

The first is what I remember of him before all of this started. He is not a mean person by nature.

And it is funny that I see it everytime we have a great time together.

[TRUSTING]

No matter what you do it will not be alright. You have to protect yourself financially. If you are entitled to alimony, get it. Don't try to be accomadating financially to try to win him back. In the end it will not work. They will find another way to not like you. PROTECT YOURSELF

[maelstrom]

Hi there - newcomer here but I have been in a similar situation.

Last spring H took up with OW, back and forth etc etc all summer, couldn't make his mind up. So in the end I set my boundary in stone (only one so far). That if there weas OW then we would be getting a divorce. I called my solicitor and was all ready to go. H had some sort of crisis, went to see his sol and then 'seemed' to realise what the future might hold in store.

Anyway he allegedly dropped OW like a hot potato and came back home. I say allegedly because I have no real evidence that he is back home at all. Oh yes he's back physically, but not mentally.

Well the part that is similar to your sitch is that he says he cannot understand why I would want to divorce him. His idea was that he would continue to have a happy family life when it suited him and go back to OW for the rest. My jaw hit the floor when he said this - how could he possibly not understand why I wouldn't put up with this situation!

Before I went to the solicitor, we went round and round the houses discussing finances - we have a lot of savings and I have been a SAHM for eight years. So his view is that all the money, the house, cars etc are all his and I can have crumbs as far as he's concerned. He wasn't willing to share out the savings fairly, he was not willing to contribute to the 'family' expenses i.e money I spent while he was away working even though I spend very little on myself, it was mostly household expenses. I would certainly have been better protected financially if I had proceeded with either a legal separation or a D.

So, now H is 'home', we have separate bank accounts (I now have a job). He keeps all his finances secret and a minimum in the joint account. He gets all his post forwarded to his work flat and even keeps his own laptop locked up. Not a good recipe for R. One piece of good advice the solicitor gave me was to keep as much money as possible in my own account so that if H starts to mess about with the finances then I will have a safety net to fall back on.

Now he has all this independence he has started a new tack - I am apparently keeping the children from him, or influencing them against him. Never mind that he works away all week 400 miles away and acts like a vegetable when he gets back at weekends. Oh and he's moved into the spare bedroom because he wants his own space.

I think it's just going from one crisis to another. H is trying to pull me in and make me as miserable as he is! Not gonna happen. It's his mess and he can sort it out. Until he stops blaming other people for his problems and starts to look inside his own head I can't see much hope for our R.

I am still here because of the man he was and because of my kids too.

This may not be much comfort for you and I am told that it does get better in time, but what a roller coaster ride. I think that your H has control issues from the sound of it - much like mine. The best thing I do for me when he's like this is just to go dark for a while. It helps me get a better perspective on what he's trying to do, also discussing it with close friends who know about the sitch. Usually we have a good giggle about it.

[trytoohard]

Good Morning b2m,

Right after that he asked me about child support (he knows that this is not a good subject). I told him that I did not want to discuss it. He pushed me and pushed me and i finally said that I had not thought of any other amount other than the standard. From that point on he has been a completely different person.

Your H is manipulating you. You have already made it clear what amount you would settle for and it is not more or less than you are entitiled to by law. He didn't become a completely different person, he became the real him. He was the completetly different person while you all were out.

He is blaming me for trying to get revenge on him because I will not settle for less money. He is blaming me for getting revenge on him if I do not get my way. He said he was compromising because if he had it his way he would have the kids and not pay me any money. And that I am not even willing to budge. Well, I have already told him that I do not need to have Allimony. He would not accept that as a compromise (I did not even bring this up this week). In my opinion he is the one being irrational because I will not do everything his way. The minute I do not agree to do things his way he threatens lawyers and legal battles and meanness.

Revenge for what? You are entitled BY LAW to what you are asking. He left you and the kids. "If he had things his way" blech! Sounds like he is trying to bully you into accepting less than you are entitled to and the fact that he is willing to short change his kids should have you standing up to this guy fast. He is trying hardcore to control you, that is why he threatens all that nastiness.

Let him threaten. Remain calm. Tell him you are not going to budge. His anxiety and anger is HIS, not yours. Hold on to yourself and do NOT accept less for your babies than they deserve.

For those of you who have gone through this and are back in the marriage, have you experienced this? Is this something that I should just let it play through. Why the sudden change in attitude?

Yes, I have experienced this. Do not fall for it. He is panicked that he cannot control you for his own benefit and will continue to be nasty and hateful as long as you let him see that it bothers you. I told my H once "I can see that you have choosen to continue to behave like a spoiled child, pouting over not getting exactly what you want. Just like I wouldn't give in to one of our kids, I'm not going to accept anything less than what is right. It won't work"

am actually getting to the point where I want to move on with someone else.

Then you are not ready to move on. Until you can make a decision about your marriage that does not involve "moving on with someone else" then you are not ready. You have to be OK with yourself before you can make that decision, not just look for someone else to make you feel good about yourself.

1. because I know that I love this man (ok the non alien guy), I know what he is capable of and I know he was never like this.
You are just now seeing what he is really capable of my dear.
2. I would be willing to put all of this behind us for the kids. They want nothing more than to have their Dad back in the family. My D9 is having a lot of problems with this and it is getting worse not better. She actually asked me yesterday. Why would he do this to his kids if he knows how painful it is because he went through it? His parents were divorced. And then she said why would he want to hurt his kids.

You cannot stay together for the kids. It is never healthy. You have to be willing to either bend to your H's wishes and loose yourself or you have to be willing to stand up for yourself, your kids and your marriage. Your H gets to decide for himself what he is going to stand (or fall) for.

Any insite would be greatly appreciated. Is there still hope and what is this weird turn. My suspicions are that he was getting to close again and enjoying it so he pulled back hard. But I am not sure.

There is always hope b2m! Depends on what it is you are hoping for as to how realistic it is though. This turn is not weird to anyone outside the exchange. He is manipulating you to get what he wants. He probably does enjoy hanging out and having fun but the fact that he hits you up on the money subject after these exchanges means he is hoping you will cave after he has "graced you with his presence" for a time.

Reassure your D that no matter what happens, he will always be here Daddy and that he loves her the best way he knows how. Do not expose your children to these exchanges between you and their father, they certainly won't be able to grasp it when you can't yourself.

Best of stenght my dear!

[bright 2 morro]

I think you may have misunderstood me.

Then you are not ready to move on. Until you can make a decision about your marriage that does not involve "moving on with someone else" then you are not ready. You have to be OK with yourself before you can make that decision, not just look for someone else to make you feel good about yourself.

I have been going through this for quite some time and I have worked on myself. I know who I am and what I want. That is the problem. I am not looking to someone else for happiness. I am just saying that I get to the point that I am not sure that I want to wait forever for him. I am entitled to be treated right. I would never just jump into a relationship. But I can not wait my whole life for him either. What if he never address his issues? Which is entirely possible.

You cannot stay together for the kids. It is never healthy. You have to be willing to either bend to your H's wishes and loose yourself or you have to be willing to stand up for yourself, your kids and your marriage. Your H gets to decide for himself what he is going to stand (or fall) for.

I was not even suggesting that. What i was getting at is if he came to me and said he wanted this back I would be willing to do what it took to put the marriage back together. I would be willing to try because of the the kids. Making hard to just walk away. I would not take him back unless he truly wanted it. And he would have to make some major changes.

1. because I know that I love this man (ok the non alien guy), I know what he is capable of and I know he was never like this.
You are just now seeing what he is really capable of my dear.

The thing I was refering to here is the non alien man I knew and loved for so many years. He is capable of being loving and kind and caring. Somewhere deep inside he is a great man that is thoroughly depressed, confused, and messed up right now. I also know that being this mean guy just adds more guilt and anger to his already guilt ridden and angry Mind.

I have moved on quite a bit over the last year. I have been in therapy for most of this time and it has helped me tremendously. But I will by no means deny that I still love this man. I will not deny that I have ups and downs. That is going to happen. And yes, I do and always will care about what he thinks of me. And the one thing that I know is that in his mind he does think greatly of me. He just can not let it surface.

I thank you for your advice and much of it is a helpful reminder. But some of the things you wrote came across as the negative spin on things. So that is why I had to address them with here.

[missmyfriend]

B2M, you are right to become aware of who you are and your own worth. H, right now, is not well. It is difficult to have a real, mature conversation with someone that is only worried about themselves. He cannot think fairly at this time. My W is the same way. All they see is how if it isn't there way, they feel controlled. It is a very twisted view.

I do believe in considering the children when it comes to anything that will affect their lives. When it comes down to it, they never had a choice in any of this. Just because our spouses can walk away from responsibility never provides justification to consider ourselves first. So many times I have heard people say (people I know personally and care about) that "it is my turn to have a life. He or she has been able to do what they want, so should I". At the same time, I see their kids hurting from what first happened to mom or dad, and now the remaining parent has lost it.

Personally, I think you are doing great from what you have shared. I do agree that you need to protect yourself financially for the sake of your children. I would only recommend, do what is right, always.