I think I feel smothered

[WAS32]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I haven't been in here for a little while cuz he is jealous of this forum. He is acting more insecure and has less trust in me than I do him. It has been very difficult lately. Not sure where I am going with this but I am at least trying with what little energy I have left. And no I have not gone and punched her in the face YET! Still have a lot of anger towards her. She really played being my friend for the last 5 months. She could have left me alone and pretended that she didn't want anything to do with me, but no, she had to keep phoning and telling me it was me she wanted not my husband. Why go to that extent of a lie just to have an A. (my H doesn't think she is lying and no I have never gone there with any W before) Well I hope she is lonely and bloody miserable.

I have noticed that my H is having a hard time with me not trusting him anymore. But how the heck can I. I can not get this out of my mind. I know he feels that she betrayed him and lied to him too. I have let him have those feelings and tried not to belittle them. But as far as I am concerned she was paid like a hooker. Sorry just venting about this. I am angry at times. And I am definately having a hard time with the whole sex thing. I know that sex makes my h feel connected to me and I have tried to have sex with him, but the A seems to pop into my head in the middle of it. I start thinking about what he is thinking about. Is it her? Would he rather be doing her? Is he hoping I will do something that she did for him? And Then I feel like I just freeze up and stop enjoying it. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I don't know if I can do this. Thanks for reading. Any advice is always good!!!!

[LooseThread]

Ooh...I am so with you there about having unwanted OW thoughts pop up.

If he truly wants to work on things, get yourselves to counselling. write lists of what you expect in a relationship. write lists of deal breakers. Have him to do the same. Read books...bugger...gotta go and amuse the child...stay strong...at least he is home and the affair is over (isn't it?).

[WAS32]

Yes the A is over. It has been over for a little while. It was ended before he came home, he just never confirmed it until he was half way in the door. I've tried to get him to read just the infidelity chapter in the DR. i don't know if he will. As for C, we both go to our own at the moment. I think I need to know that i really want him here before I can go to C with him. Only time will tell.

[ediemarie]

Hi - don't know if you're much of a reader or not but Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was a huge help to me AND my husband. It lends a great insight into the A from ALL parties - OW included. I didn't even know that my H had read the whole thing until one day he mentioned it. I had it lying around the house and he picked it up and read it. He said it helped him as well. I'm not suggesting that you ask your H to read it, but you should. It really is helpful.

I think you need to take your time with this...it takes a long time to overcome this. Don't rush this. If sex makes you uncomfortable, don't have it. If you have stop in the middle, then stop. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions - maybe no sex for awhile is one of those. I'm not suggesting that you deliberatly withhold sex as a power play, but moreso that you listen to your wants, needs and desires. A result of his actions is your discomfort. Feel the discomfort and decide how to act.

Be patient with yourself WAS32 - just take it day by day.

EM

[WAS32]

My H is at his C today. I know he is planning on telling her the whole truth now. I really hope that she has some insight and can help him understand what I am going through.He keeps telling me that he will never leave me again and he has everything that he needs right here. As long as he has me he will be okay. Nice words to hear, but having a hard time believing them. My friend came over today and she is having a real issue with him. He made her out to be a real B@tch during all of this because she was picking up on the A before I was. And she confronted them a long time ago. I know he has a hard time being around her because he knows he did her wrong. Does this roller coaster ever slow down?

[WAS32]

Well I saw my C today. i told her about the latest events in my life. She feels that it is unhealthly for H to be living at home right now. She thinks I was way stronger and doing better when he wasn't here. For the last 2 weeks I have been very tired and just wanting to sleep. She thinks that my body is shutting down because I don't want to deal with this. I can't tell her why I have let him back in because I really am unsure of how I feel. H is saying all the right things and is putting effort into our R even when I am not. He tells me he loves me and he is so sorry everyday at least 5 times a day. I just can't respond to him. I am not ready to tell him I love him yet. Holy this is hard. i just want to sleep for the next 6 months and wake up with this behind me. I know it won't help or make it go away, it's just how I feel right now. Our anniversary is coming up and I don't even feel like acknowledging it. I was planning a trip to a hot springs with him. It included a couples massage but after he gave the OW a "Justt For Her massage" for X-mas I don't want to anymore. I am very torn on my feelings for him right now.

[WAS32]

Things have been pretty mellow the last couple of days.But H seems to really be into the porn on the computer lately. It is bugging me right now. usually I don't think to much of it, but right now with all the insecure feelings I already have, this is not helping. Should I talk to him about it? Should I tell him it is bugging me? I really don't know what I should be doing at this time. Anyone with any ideas?

[LooseThread]

Hi WAS.....I imagine that you don't want to rock the boat right now, but maybe you have to if you are feeling so uneasy. What if you said to h exactly what you have written here...i.e.

" H, you seem to really be into the porn on the computer lately. It is bugging me and I'm feeling very insecure with what I'm seeing you do. Looking at porn is not helping us reconcile."

Whatcha reckon?

[WAS32]

Well this is definately not going very well. I don't think I really want this. the very first night that I want to go to a friends place because she just found out about an A her other half is having, he gets mad. Thinks I should stay home and worry about our M and not worry about anyone else. Well I think that is BS. I wanted to bring her a copy of DBing and give her a different kind of support that what I know she will be getting and he gets mad. Like I am not allowed to leave. And then he tries to manipulate the sitch with me by turning it on me. How I had all these people to talk to when he was gone and he had no one. Well that was his choice not to talk to anyone, not mine. He keeps saying it was for pity that I talked to other people. So is that why we are all here? For pity? I thought it was for help. To get support for all that was happening in our R's. So now what? i really don't want him here right now. i haven't had any space to even let this all sink in. I am suppose to just get over the A and move on like nothing never happened. Well I can't. I have been trying, but now I can't even leave my house without getting the big guilt trip. I really don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't feel strong enough to keep this up. he seems to expect so much from me and I don't think I can do it. Does this feeling go away or is this M just doomed?

[WAS32]

Well things have been okay lately. h and I have had our fights but he stands pretty firm on never leaving me again and has actually put up with the few blow ups that I have had. It's been a little weird for me. I find that I still think about the A a lot and at times it makes me really angry. I am trying to work on it and not think about it so much. But lots of little things seem to be a constant reminder. I hope this gets easier. we have had a few good nights out and enjoyed each others company. We neveer had a problem being friends. Now to get back on track with our M. I know my C thinks we should be seeing a MC and maybe that is our next step. One day at a time.