How do you undo detachment?

[cat03]

haven't I've been a horrible example enough? don't you see that I'm in hell because my H never fully disengaged from ow and went back w/me the first time because he was tired of being lonely?

(I tried to call him quite a few times last night and sent him a long text which he said he deleted so I re-sent it this morning) and told me that he went back to her place because he didn't want to be alone and he couldn't come back here.

You are pursuing him and he's just acting his shoe size. Stop calling him so much, same w/the texts, look, I know its hard, I have to force myself to stop txting my H and waiting like a lost puppy for his call, for my own good I must detach. Don't let him disrespect you like this.

I want to demand that he break up with g/f in order for me to give him a chance for us.

I also demanded, TOLD my H to stop seing ow. And my C told me that was my mistake, it should've been my H who should've said he'd stop all contact, the fact that I demanded it of him didnt mean he was agreeing to it. Of course you should let him know that as long as he is with ow you dont' see things working for you all, but the final desicion has to come from him.

I've also been thinking with my , ummm, lady part down there, so desperate to be intimate w/my H, so scared of not having my H ML to me that I didnt' want to let him go even if it was for the best (I have since accepted that S is the way to go in my sitch).
Your H has his cake and is eating it too, the gf on the side and he also gets to ML with you, why should he do anything different? what should he change? he gets everything served for him on a silver platter.

I think I have talked to too many ppl and my h will have a hard row to hoe (to quote SallyM) to have my friends accept him with open arms.

Choose one or two and that's it, I havent' even told my family, only one friend from work, 2 from church and you guys know, things would go to heck so fast if I were to tell all my saga (not to mentioned my close family would never want to see my H again and would want to dismember alive)

[LooseThread]

yeah but what do you do when you've already told your close friends? I can't take the information back.

[koshka]

LT,

Your friends are going to live their lives. The ones who are true friends will respect your decision to live by your own principles. Anyone who won't do that isn't a friend who'd stick around when you really needed them, anyway, so let them think what they want and go where they want.

It's your choices about your marriage and your family that you're trying to decide. Friends are great, but these aren't their choices.

There have been times I've pulled away from friends to sort things out on my own because I didn't want to feel later that my friend(s) convinced me to choose something if the choice turned out badly. Filing for my divorce was one instance. I didn't want to feel later that I was somehow "pressured" by well-intentioned friends into making the wrong choice for me and my family. I don't feel now that I was pressured, and I'm at least at peace with the choice I made for the reasons that I made it.

That was my choice. That use of solitude worked (and in some areas of my life, it still works) for me.

So if there are friends who want to tell you how to live your life as if they have the answers, instead of recognizing that you are making difficult choices about important parts of your life, maybe you need some time away from those friends? If that's what works for you, go for it. If not, you'll find what does.

Thanks,

Joe

[LooseThread]

It's not that my friends are telling me what I should do. For the most part they do listen and a couple are even asking the right sort of questions, like, "what do you want?" and "you need to do the right thing for you". It's just that I don't seem to be able to keep my mouth shut about my sitch and when h hears that nearly all of my close friends know what has happened, he gets pissed off because I think he would feel (rightly) ashamed and not able to face them. What he probably doesn't realise is that I am talking to these friends to get alternative view points and not to h bash him. Unfortunately, what ends up happening is that (as most people know here) my friends don't want to see me hurt and want to fix the pain and the quickest way they can see that I can do that is to kick his bottom to the curb. I don't seem to deal well with dealing with my own judgement and am constantly second guessing myself and hating to upset/anger h (and myself). I don't like emotional pain, I am so scared of feeling it that I will suppress what I really need/want in order to avoid the short term pain.

One of my good friends who is divorced is one of the people I trust the most. She was supportive of me when I was scared of him and gave me information when I needed it. When I saw her this w/e and told her I was thinking about reconciling with h, she freaked a bit, but then I told her that I wanted to be sure that I unturned every rock in order to try and save our marriage, she understood and changed her tack completely. She was the one who encouraged me to invite him to her party (after it had started) but I'd already hurt his feelings and it made him feel like an afterthought. *shrug*

The plus is that he came around late last night and stayed the night. He feels bad this morning because we ended up ML and it wasn't what he intended. All he intended to do was to sleep next to me but when things started I didn't object except to insist on protection - so I told him that I wanted to connect with him and ML is the best way we seem to know how to connect. I also told him I appreciated (just as much, if not more) him saying that he didn't intend for that to happen and wanted just to be next to me. I don't know if we can make it work, I just don't want us to hate each other or not be able to talk at all.

[WAS32]

Hey there LT, just catching up on your sitch. You are in quite the sitch. You are getting a lot of good advice from the people in here though. I really understand the whole telling friends thing. One of the first things that H said to me after he confessed was that he doesn't want everyone to know that I have a cheating H. He said it will make him just run away again. But of course all his friends knew about it. I just felt that this was a guilt thing. You have to have people to talk to. We would all go crazy if we didn't. Your true friends will stick besides you no matter what anyways.

I do still think that he needs to completely end it with the OW before he can start anything with you again. You can't be half in and half out. You can't focus on your M if he is thinking that he has a back up plan with OW. It needs to be done because he wants it done. There is no room for maybe's when it comes to the OW. And I think right now as long as you are detached from him when ML go for it. he needs to attached to you again and sometimes this helps. But don't put yourself in a sitch that is going to bring you that horrible pain you would have first felt when he left.

This is only my small opinion. Sending you lots of hugs!!!

[LooseThread]

So WAS32, do you mean that 'by all means, shag him senseless, just don't let myself get overly attached again just in case he's clueless about what he should be doing?'

Thanks for posting here, I did read through your sitch earlier today. Can't remember if I posted or not. h is coming around later on for dinner and to put d to bed so I'd better get to cooking! d and I have been at the pool most of the afternoon. I managed to squeeze 10 laps in while she played on her NIntendo.

[DiDi]

FWIW, All of our friends and family knew. He went so crazy that he actually took OW to lunch with his dad. I worked with the public and the whole town knew. Way too many people. Maybe. I'm not really sure if it was a mistake or not.

Like Joe said, your true friends will respect your decisions to live your life according to your own principles. Maybe finding out who your true friends are isn't such a bad thing.

It was HELL on him to have to face everyone. But, the fact that he cut everyone off and went into a cave just before he totally recommitted to us may have been a catalyst. Facing everyone was part of "crawling over broken glass" for me and helped me begin to trust him again. Our true friends gave him Hell, told him he was nuts to risk losing me, he agreed (reaffirming his renewed committment) and I got the storybook ending.

Meanwhile, they were holding me up. I thought my Mother would kill him. I thought my Father would. I was wrong, they support our family and are prouder of me than they have ever been because "I was so strong and brave". His Dad worked with me when he realized I just wanted his son happy again. He called me just last month to thank me for not giving up on his son. I've been luckier than smart though... I admit that. Every sitch is different.

[WAS32]

Hey LT, I think you need to do what feels right to you. Don't let him cake eat. But if you want to ML and you are okay with it then do it. If it isn't going to cause you pain. Him feeling used by you is a little silly. You are still his wife and would he rather you be doing what he is doing? Everybody needs a little attention, he should be thanking his lucky stars that you have taken that attention from him. Good Luck!