Well i think I can move over here from Seperated...My H has been almost back for a week now. Tonight he is at his apartment packing the rest of his stuff and probably going out with his friends down there. I really don't know how I feel about it. It feels okay to have him gone for a night but on the other hand it makes me wonder if he can give up his single life. He has moved half of his stuff in already and I know I should believe what he is saying to me, but I am still having trust issues. I don't have any proof that there was another woman, but I did have my doubts. i think if there is OW, she is out of the pic now. He seems like he does want to be here and we have got along all week. I am feeling a little smothered though. i was getting used to being alone and doing what i want when i want. Now, I feel like I have to run around his schedule. It is a little frustrating at times.
So how do I get over this? And how do you regain trust again. I am having a hard time with this. His cell goes off all the time and he is so wrapped up in his drama from his single life. It is getting to me. He was never so involved with other peoples drama before. Now he seems to live for it. I find it very weird. He does talk to me about it and what's happening. i try to let it not bother me especially in front of him, but it does. There are too many women phoning my H. If rolls were reversed and it was a whole lot of men calling me he would be very angry.
Anyways, I am happy that he is home and yesterday was the first day I got a real ILY in 5 months. That was kinda nice. I do know that this is just a new roller coaster that I am on. I just hope I cann make it through this part too so we can get to the good stuff. Taking it one day at a time.
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
Chances are he is clueless about how much it really bothers you that he gets calls from other women and how different his life is now. It is very crucial you have a calm non accusatory talk and tell him how it makes you feel specially now that you both are building your M from the ground up and that trust is very shaky.
Trust will only be gained with time and both your effords, you by overcoming your fear and believing the best of him, him by being accountable. It will take time but it is possible. Piecing isn't easy but considering the alternative we are in a very good place
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well I had the big OW bomb confirmed last night. He told me the truth about her and what was going on. I guess i always knew but just never wanted to really believe it. I don't know how to deal with this. he said he could not try to restart our marriage without telling me the whole truth. So great, now I know. i don't even know how I feel. She was suppose to be my friend. I am pretty angry with her at this moment. She is actually saying that my H is a liar and it never happened. She had her brother call me to tell me that. Things are really messed up. i wish I knew what I was feeling for H right now. Just kinda floating right now. he says he wants to be home. That while he was gone he was looking for something that he thought was missing in our M but realized that he wanted to be here. he says he can't forgive himself for what he has done and if rolls were reversed he would have gone off the deep end. So at this point my trust level has really dropped and I am not sure how to start regaining it. I am very confused right now. I think I still love him but I am not sure.
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
Suspecting and knowing about an affair are two different things. Even if you have good evidence and feel it strongly, once you have it confirmed it's like a ton of bricks have fallen.
Unfortunately working through the pain and trust issues takes A LOT of time. My advice to you is never make decisions from a place of anger or pain. Focus on yourself, working through the pain and just trying to develop a friendship with your husband. Two good books to read are "Not 'Just Friends'" and "After the Affair." These will help you understand what went on and some of the crazy emotions you will probably go through.
P.s. Of course you don't "love him" right now. You probably want to rip his head off. But this doesn't mean you won't feel love for him again eventually in the future. Time can change things dramatically and kids are a very powerful reason to give this that time. Hang in there. Most of us have been where you are.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well I had the big OW bomb confirmed last night. He told me the truth about her and what was going on. I guess i always knew but just never wanted to really believe it. I don't know how to deal with this. he said he could not try to restart our marriage without telling me the whole truth. So great, now I know.
WAS32, I can certainly understand you pain and confusion resulting from this confession, but I think it is a really good sign that your H volunteered this information. It sounds like he is willing to start down the path of repairing your marriage. This revealation as hard as it is to accept is really something that needed to be done in order to heal and in order for you to be able to eventually trust him again. You would have always had that suspicion had he not come clean with you. It will take time to get through the hurt, but it does get better.
One of the big problems in our M was our lousey sex life. It was mecanical and no spice. So of course he went to go find that somewhere else. Which he did. It was so much better with her because she would do the things he wanted in bed. he has never really told me what he really wants except for me to be more like a porn star. It's not in my nature to be like that. I need some prior attention before the main course. But he thinks now that he has slept with this OW that if there is passion he shouldn't have to prime the engine first. And we should be able to be done in 10 minutes and both be satsified. I don't think I can do that. So how do I get this out of my mind? How do I continue trying to piece my marriage back together when this is hanging over my head?
I told him today that I was having a hard time with this and i needed to know that he really wanted to be here. i said we can't just start today like nothing happened. That's what he is thinking we can do. he has been dealing with this for 5 months where it's been 2 days for me. I told him I don't know how I am feeling and if he really wants this M to work he is going to have to fight for it. I need to feel that he wants to be here not that he has to be here. I don't think that is to much to ask for right now. Am I wrong? Help.
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
Trying very hard today to not let the thoughts of the A consume me. It is so hard. I was treated so poorly by both of them for the last 5 months and lied to so much. They both led me to believe that I was an over reacting B@tch. i actually felt really bad about myself for treating someone who was suppose to be my friend so horribly. I tried different ways to make it up to her over and over again. I really just want to go to her house and punch her square in the face. I know that won't help but it might make me feel better for a moment. I don't know what to do with these feelings right now. They are really getting to me. Anyone have any ideas how to let this part go?
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
Time is a great healer. Try and just sit with it. Don't think about it too much. You were trying to do the right thing. Be still with the contentment that you were being open and honest and that they weren't. Karma. I'm not meaning this in a nasty way but if you continue to be true and honest, you will not suffer. They will. You cannot be in their shoes to see how they suffer - additionally, what they consider to be suffering may not be the sort of suffering that you might 'want' for them.
Not sure what else I can say other the time heals all wounds.
Hi WAS32 - I just saw your thread today. (((WAS32))) So sorry you are going through this. I would think that knowledge of his A changes things for you. I don't have any insight into a quick fix to get through the pain. Basically you have to feel it. You just have to go through it. Let yourself be upset and let yourself mourn. I don't think you should rush putting it behind you. This is a serious thing. Not only did he betray your trust by having an A, but he lied about it until he was back under your roof - almost like you have no choice but to accept him back and deal with it. That sounds incredibly unfair to me. You need to figure out what you want and then act on it.
I see you haven't posted in awhile, I hope you're ok.
HUGS
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
