You are a kind and compassionate woman and that's why we all love you! You wouldn't be the woman you are without compassion. Does OW deserve it? Hell no, but you'll still give it.
Hey let me know when you go to spit at her. My ex BIL is a cop in her town and my current BIL is the Superintendent at the jail! (Might help to know people).
I'm off to open my cottage. Having lunch with Lisakate and dinner with a friend.
Have a great birthday party for the little man! Tell the friends I said hello!
I know, I know, I should believe h...and most of the time I do..it's just that there were other lies about their friendship that came out after that make it hard for me to believe nothing "else" is being kept from me about it...but in the end does it really matter?? he's home now, right?
Quoting lostlove: just makes me feel like a sap!! people can just walk all over me...treat me like an insignificant little bug...be selfish...and ya know what...pathetic ole LL will still find some copassion within her for you.
I guess I just see it differently -- to me, compassion is a sign of strength not weakness. I struggle with myself the most when I am mired in anger, lack of forgiveness, etc. 'course a wise friend of mine says that my being hard on myself for still feeling those negative feelings (instead of empathy and compassion) is actually a lack of compassion for myself.
Quote: but I still would like to spit in her face that would be fun.
My fantasy involving ow's face has nothing to do with spit and everything to do with my fist. see, there's that lack of compassion again
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting lostlove: just makes me feel like a sap!! people can just walk all over me...treat me like an insignificant little bug...be selfish...and ya know what...pathetic ole LL will still find some copassion within her for you.
I guess I just see it differently -- to me, compassion is a sign of strength not weakness. I struggle with myself the most when I am mired in anger, lack of forgiveness, etc. 'course a wise friend of mine says that my being hard on myself for still feeling those negative feelings (instead of empathy and compassion) is actually a lack of compassion for myself.
Great post Sage. That was something I needed today.
I know how you feel LL. I feel like I am here to pick up the pieces that OW leaves behind. And I am just a sap too.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
I'm with Sage here, LL. Feeling compassion for OW is NOT being a sap. It s a sign of a higher consciousness and a more giving soul, in my mind.
At first in my sitch, I forgave OW pretty much right away (before all the other lies etc came out), but even for quite a while I would pray for her family and even for her. Lately, she just hasn't been on my mind much at all. (Just little ideas and such, as when I was on my getaway).
Honestly, though, were she to turn up on my doorstep, I cannot guarantee my response would be polite
have a hair across my butt and don't know exactly why.
yesterday was sons b-day party...yes yes h did lots of work in the yard to make the place look nice but it was raining so we weren't outside... I made the cake..the veggie tray, the taco dip, the cold cut tray, the chees & cracker tray, the cookies, sent out the invitations, made the gift bags, set up the table, helped son make a pinata, made the meatballs, made the coffee, stayed on the main floor with all the guests and made sure the kids were ok...
h went to work in the morning and came home at noon..the party started at 1...for most of the day h was downstairs at the bar watching the football draft...
h came up and made himself a plate of meatballs before the food was served on the table...
made a few cameo appearances to the main floor...
asked to hold off on the cake and presents so that he could eat (gee wtf were you doing when everyone else was eating???)
h's family didn't leave til after 8pm.
new sil was cold to me as is typical for her now (catty catty catty!!)
dd crashed into the corner of the table...nice little shiner!! dd was tired and rubbing her eyes...hypocondriac worry worts said..keep an eye on her eye she's rubbing it..she may end up with conjunctive ititis...sheesh whats with people...she's tired...and she's got a booboo..why do you have to think the worst?? (btw dd's is totally fine aside from a little black and blue under her eye, she's still a cutie pie)
son had a great day.
when all was said and done...when I had cleaned the playroom and organized the gifts (ok h sat on the floor and broke up the boxes) I wanted to watched the video of the day (only a 30min thing) h watched it with me...but got off the couch and sat on the floor...when it was done (son is adorable) h decides he's gonna go up and lay down with son (who is sleeping) for a while..for me to wake him when I go up so he can come to bed.
sorry folks...things just didn't settle right with me..
no compassion from h in regard to sil bitchiness... no hug..."you did a great job" no hug...at all the whole stress filled day!!
so I couldn't sleep...just felt like I didn't belong in my own bed...like there was a huge wall up between h and I.
thing is I don't think it's me...sure I could just be aloof do my own thing go about my business...do what I want to do...etc..but then what's the point of being married??
h does what he wants whenever he wants... I felt guilty for the occassional moment when I would step outside and chat with one of my friends...h sure didn't feel guilty for spending the whole day downstairs watching footbal draft crap.
and sure I know it's not h's problem that his brothers wife is an immiture little girl who has said catty things to me or just plain rude uncompassionate things to me and now is just cold to me...sure it's not h's problem...nothing is h's problem...so why should he be supportive of me?? why should he offer any comfort to me where it is a concern to me...it's not his problem.
so it's sunday morning and at 7 am h had to get up to go take a shower...h has left to go get the bob-cat to work in the yard or driveway not sure...as his plans are something I am not privy to.
I feel like I was lied to...
funny how the waw always wants to know that the lbs changes are for real...gee guess the was doesn't have to make their changes for real now do they...
when h came home he was loving and affectionite..attentive...awake...physical...cuddly...alive..now h is once again going about his business and I feel like I shouldn't be here...like I just get in his way!!
LL...you had a busy weekend and the week preparing for it..you are tired take a breather and re-foccus on what you know...your h is who he is...he does not sound like he is willing to change a whole lot about himself..I am not sure I was willing to until I found the books and the bb...so we all have an advantage to our s..You have to be able to take his faults with all the good that keeps you with him. When my h and I were first married..I really thought I could change him..he would just help around the house, he would become romantic..etc....I yelled and slammed cupboard doors...but we went on pretty happy I think..I came to realize he was not going to change, and he has many many wonderful qualities..he just did not want to do laundry and dishes...I think looking back I have resentment, as does he..that is partly why we are where we are today...I was an at home mom..so I really did not expect him to come home from work and do all the house and kid work...and I never knew how to ask in the right way..until I found this bb...I just asked h to help yesterday for our video club..and he did...
You will have these bad days and thoughts...but you now know how to cope with them and to correct whats wrong so it does not fester inside.If I was to write a book to newlyweds, I would advise them to learn how to deal with issues with their spouses, so resentment and anger does not build up and 20 years later end up here.
I need to rephrase that and say I need to accept the fact that I am independant and it's ok!
I need to pay more attention to what h is saying
I need to ask for a hug when I want one and not get mad that h doesn't "always" just give it.
I need to stop dweling on the past every time I feel a little tension (tension does not mean things are the way the were it just means there is some tension)
I need to be more confident in myself and not care what others think, feel etc.
I need to accept that things happend that I don't like and accept that as a result we are making some possitive changes and working our way toward a more loving rewarding r that we each can be happy in.
I need to realize that h is happy when I'm happy and be happy damn it!!
I need to appreciate all that I have and all that I have ahead of me.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. You are one of my heroes, and your input means a lot to me. I know you have been where I am right now, and know my struggles. Do you think I can get results by just pulling away and moving on without proceeding with financial legal stuff? Or do you think I need to take that plunge. I just feel with almost no doubt, that any step in that direction will lead to a division of assets and legal sep. I don't want to do that.
Sorry to hog your thread. But I would love to have your input on that. You had a long haul too, just like me. You've seen all the recent baby steps (included at the beginning of my thread). What would you do?
Thanks love.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Sounds like you had a nice relaxing weekend....NOT! My best guess is that your H was just oblivious:
LL has it all under control....don't want to get in her way!
I can feel your resentment oozing through your post...why SHOULD you have had to shoulder all of that yourself? Delayed the cake because he ate late? Grrrr!
On the other hand....I wonder how your H would respond to DIRECT REQUESTS from you in such situations? "H...would you chop these veggies for me please?...H I'd love it if you'd stay up here and visit with your family while I get stuff ready ....
I'm saying this because of that little thing with my taxes last week. I'd been bitchin' and moanin' about how much I have to do this week, how over whelmed, then the bloody taxes are still waiting....and so was I....until I JUST ASKED H to do it for me. And he did. Gladly.
I know, I know LL. To US...helping out at a family function should be a given! Saying thank you and empathising with all the work and stress, ditto. But for your H....he probably needs more direction. Just a thought.
Take care! (sounds like your inlaws are a tad hypochondriacal???)
(Might help to know people).
