I've been posting very seldom, as my D is almost final and I'm moving on happily w/o stbx H.
However, some issues specific to D and post-D are cropping up, so I thought maybe some of you more experienced folks could help.
Main problem right now:
stbx's live-in gf wants us (her and me) to communicate re. our kids so we can resolve probs in their blended family!!
What a great idea!! Apparently stbx was "tearing up" when talking about S6's separation anxiety - news to me.
Anyway, I told her that I'm taking S6 back to therapy, and that I'll share any strategies I learn w/ stbx and then he can tell her. She asked me to call her if there's anything I want to talk about, and said she hopes she can do that same. To be honest, I don't want to get involved - the less I have to do w/ ex and his life, the better.
I told her (and then emailed him) that I think it's important for them to work as a team and deal with the issues.
Help! I really don't know what to do here. I want to help my son, but it is unhealthy for me to have any kind of R with this woman, other than the bare minimum (she was not ow he left me for, but another one). I really don't need to hear what a great H/father he is, KWIM? If she calls again, how I gently but firmly let her know that she needs to deal with stbx, not me?
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Tough situation with the gf---I'm not even sure how to advise.
Yes, I think it is healthy for you to have as little to do with their life as possible because it makes you feel bad. I think it does show a sense of caring on the gf's part that she reached out to you and I think over all it is a positive thing. However, FOR NOW, youa re not ready to have that kind of relationship.
I think what you said about sharing strategies with your X is a good plan but if you ever feel that he is being the butt head he has always been and feel he isn't listening to you, I think you at least have a door open with the gf so I'd say keep the possibility of a relationship with her open for the future. Always keeping the children's needs in mind and what is best for them will keep your thinking on the straight and narrow.
I guess my opinion is just to be honest with her and tell her that you aren't ready for that yet but perhaps you will be some time in the future. Let her know too that you appreciate her concern and her willingness to work together. Everything will change for you when you have a sweetheart and I bet it will be so much easier to deal with them.
You are probably right about having a sweetheart...if that ever happens. :sad:
I only seem to be getting asked out by guys who I can barely stand for five minutes, let alone a whole evening!!
In any case, now stbx is promoting this idea that a call b/t mothers can resolve issues more easily. Really, what he means is that he wants to be kept out of it, lol!
Anyway, thanks again, and enjoy that yummy martini!
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Okay, I've resolved this w/ a reply email to "phone call b/t mothers."
I said that I'm not comfortable dealing with issues b/t S6 and stepbro b/c I don't live there and I'm not a part of the family. Thanked gf for her concern (via stbx - she doesn't have email), and gave them the name of a book that could help.
All this said in a nice, respectful tone, but I really don't need to hear about how stbx "teared up" when talking about S6, with whom he had no R before walking out 2.5 yrs ago. Yes, things might change, but for now, I don't want to be involved.
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
This is a touchy sitch, isn't it. Althea's response is very high-minded, and generous as to OW's motives, but I just I don't think I could engage with OW that way this soon in the process.
In my own case, I wouldn't trust Mrs. XH's motives, but she doesn't have children so the whole step bro issue isn't going to come up. And I could be wrong, but I think he** will freeze over before Mrs. XH will contact me!
I truly laughed at your X's passing off the whole parenting thing to the two mom's--I hope neither of you lets him get away with that.
The challenging new dynamics just go on and on don't they. Sometimes I wish they'd just leave the country or something!
I read these types of things where the "new" person in our ex-spouses life wants to "connect" with us and work together, and I can only shake my head.
Has the world really changed so much that common decency and courtesy is completely out the window?
I don't suppose anywhere in the contact with you the OW suggested that she at least recognized that NOW might not be a great time for the two of you to begin bonding over child rearing issues? I don't suppose anywhere did she indicate that she had done enough reading about blended families to realize that child issues are best handled by the biological parent, rather than the step-parent?
If you managed a pleasant email response to her, you did far better than I would have done. Suffice to say that I have had not one single conversation with XW's new man, and would certainly have no interest in any such thing. I have made it clear to my XW that SHE alone is responsible for issues with the boys when they are with her, that her old boyfriend is NEVER to refer to himself as "father" or "dad" with the boys, and that I have no interest in hearing his thoughts about any matters concerning the boys.
Of course, in my case the old boyfriend was the true OM and perhaps that clouds my feelings on the matter.
But my bigger point is that the healing aspects of time and distance are required in these matters. Particularly before we are prepared to address the reality of some other person playing parent to our own children.
It's simply unthoughtful to expect anything else in my opinion.
And I echo Althea's congratulations (however weird that sounds) on your upcoming freedom. After the intial sting, it truly is liberating.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hi Nic, I'm not as far forward as you and at this stage still hope for a recon with my H (although doubtful it will happen). However I do empathise with the sitch you find yourself in.
I think Althea is right in that you should keep the door open for talks with OW BUT on your terms. I think I would make it perfectly clear that I only want to be involved in anything to do with my own son . Her son is her problem not yours, irrespective of the blended family issue.
Although my S15 keeps alluding to the fact that he thinks he might go and live with H & OW I don't actually think it will happen. Firstly b/c S15 only does this when things are not right between he and I. Secondly b/c unless H moves somewhere bigger he does not have room for him to stay permanently. At the moment it appears he cannot afford to move (as he thought he could) anyway. Thirdly I don't think my Hs OW would actually tolerate S15 living with them for very long. She's 26 with no kids of her own. She's had H all to herself for the last 2+yrs and from what I hear she has been very disapproving of S15s actions to date. I also disapprove of what he has done but I doubt she would be as supportive as I have been (and had to be) and I think he would be thrown out at the earliest possible moment. Not a good environment to send your child into no matter how hard they are to deal with!
Take care.
P.S with regard to the future men in your life. A friend of mine who has never been married but is looking for a partner told me that she soon realised that if you want to know whether you can stand someone for longer than 5 mins you have to see how well they initiate conversation and what that topic of convo is. In her case she has been doing on line dating and realised that all of the exchanges she had had with men prior to meeting them consisted of only one liners from them in response to her paragraphs! This friend is a qualified clinical psychologist and even she had to learn the hard way!
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
That is just too funny that stbx wants the two women to solve the children problems that he created! I'm glad that you aren't getting baited.
As far as the not being able to stand guys more than 5 minutes...I understand completely. I went through the same thing. I even started thinking there was something wrong with me as many of the men were perfectly good men. I want to give you hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. After 2 years of dating, I have finally met the guy!!! He is so perfect for me that it's like God made us specifically for each other. It's absolutely amazing. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me. He treats me so well. It's a mature and healthy relationship-everything I deserve after all the hard work I put in on myself.
I'm glad that you sound so strong. I'm glad that you aren't getting baited by stbx. And I'm very happy that you are at least still open to love (this is huge) even if it has not occured yet. It will, Nic. It will.
