Hi! Don't know if I popsted to you before...and only read this post... and this
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Still read posts here but find that too much time spent here can be depressing, don't post much I find I half write a reply then cancel out thinking I really don't have much to offer.
is how I feel too!! I just stopped coming over for about a month. I feel it is a shame the moderators who used to post don't do this anymore. It kept up the spirit. Hang in there!
Still read posts here but find that too much time spent here can be depressing, don't post much I find I half write a reply then cancel out thinking I really don't have much to offer.
Feel the same. And when I try to help, some take it too personally. Hard to use one's energy to try to help only to get one's hand slapped.
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I will continue to treat her respectfully and get on with my life.
All we can do Paul. All we can do. That is all we can control.
This thread has been running for over 12 months now, should I start a new one?
Eldest D's 17th birthday this Saturday, she will then be the same age my w was we met all those years ago. Holy cr@p! I just did the math and it was 27 years ago. D hasn't made her mind up what she wants to do but is adamant that her mums 'friend' won't be there. Regardless of whether he is there or not I will have to be there for her.
Had the 3 younger kids on fathers day till about 2.30, we just went to the local markets and had some lunch. I was invited by MIL to MIL's for afternoon tea on fathers day to spend time with the rest of the extended family (all of them from w's side of course). Told MIL that w had told me om would be there so if he was going to be there I wasn't going to be there. MIL said there would be plenty of people around and I wouldn't have to interact with him. I said thanks but no thanks. As it was when I got the kids home w was out for a ride with om. I basically just dropped the kids off said my good bye's and left. No sense me hanging around really. W's brothers and sisters and their respective spouses seem to have accepted om, all though one of them (the single one male 40ish) appears to be on side and have a bit of compassion or is he just nosy.
D16-17 told me the other day her bf's mum was around and om was there. She met him for the first time and they talked for awhile. She told d afterwards that she thought he was an arrogant pri$k and a smartarse. I suppose it doesn't matter what she thinks of him but it was funny to hear the story as my d told it.
Although I think I've come a long way from the despair and hopelessness of the early post bomb days, I find I still spent a bit too much time thinking about w and the situation in general. At least now I know I'm thinking about it and the thoughts don't take over too much.
Got a call from w yesterday(woo hoo). She calls me less than I call her but it's not a competition or anything. Yes, a very rare occurrence indeed. Well it wasn't anything bad just a headhunter had seen my 2 year old resume and wanted to know if I was available/interested in a 6 month contract. I tried to engage w in a bit of small talk but I could tell from her responses that there was nothing there. How is it that a person you have lived with for 25 years and raised 4 children with cannot talk to you. I couldn't have hurt her that much surely.
Can't see me getting a 6 month contract with the headhunting mob. I programmed using a 4gl for over 6 years and just threw it in one day. Might have been my own MLC but more likely the grog. That was over 4 years ago and I've only done blue collar since. I've applied for several programming jobs over those 4 years but have never even gotten to the client interview stage. So not holding out too much hope for a nice sit down office job but it would be nice. Must look into manifesting my own job. No not look into should be, must start manifesting my own job.
Have picked up the guitar again in the last 6-12 months, not that I'd picked it up very high in the previous years but I did have one that I dabbled with occasionally. I always knew what I was playing even if no one else did. Seem to have the barre chords pretty well down pat now, only knew the theory for 15 years and never really practiced enough or had access to a decent guitar. So the other night I went to an open mike place and had a go. Got to massacre Bob Dylan's 'Isis ', The The's 'I've got you under my skin' and Elvis Costello's 'Psycho' before the regulars got back on and drowned me out and slowly turned my volume down. lol I'm still far too self conscious and must to learn to forget about me and just do it and be a part of it. Next stop MTV.
Got the second post bomb wedding anniversary coming up this Monday it will be 19 years. I probably won't even mention it, just like last year. Wonder if we'll make 20.
Not much happening in regards to my so called marriage. W still has om over to the family home nearly every weekend. W still trying to give me grief, but I'm not taking it. No reaction from me, plenty I'd like to say and do though.
Haven't talked to her much these last few weeks. She has started a casual job, first proper job in years. Working in sales at a national craft & fabric place. She is lucky that we built on her parents block as they are there most times to pick up the kids and look after them for her.
Asked W today what she had done in regard to splitting the assets as she has had a year since we'd discussed it and just about two years since she decided it was over and she wanted me out.
Apparently because we are tenants in common with the inlaws the refinancing, mortgage and what ever have to be done by the three parties involved together. I asked so what's the hold up. Ended up saying I would pay my part providing it was fair. Mentioned that I don't want to have to divorce you to make this happen but if I have to... I stressed that none of this was my idea but something has to be done.
Not quite the perfect DB approach I know, but I really have had enough. Its all very well to get a life but now that I've got one I'd better make the most of it. Now I've just about come to terms with what has happened and am ready and willing to file, not that I have, It really is my call isn't it?
Life's pretty good, no 21 year olds though, damn you jazz.
Finally spent some money on a web hosting package so will have my own bit of cyberspace for me and others to play with. I promise that I will post a link if I ever get anything worth linking to going.
Borrowed the family car (van) the other weekend and took the kids , my sister and her d13 up to the sunshine coast. The ignition lights came on as I was driving and didn't go off till the battery finally died as we were nearly home. Turned out that the W knew something was wrong with the car and hadn't done nothing about it. Typical, I offered her an advance on the child support if she needed it. Next time I had the car I checked the oil and it was just about dry. So it's time to not borrow the family car any more. I really don't want to be driving it when it blows up.
Nothing else much happening other than a tooth extraction last week.
Didn't see w for a week and when I did the first thing she brings up is that the refinancing lady at the bank is on holidays and she will be seeing her when she gets back from them.
Had two phone calls from w in the last week. Some sort of record I reckon. One about s14 who came home from school early because of some mysterious malady that came over him. Strange because when s got the growth on inside of his leg I only got info second hand. Next call was today with w asking if I wanted the car and kids 'cause if I didn't she wanted the car. I said no worries you only get every second weekend off so make the most of it. maybe I can drop you at work one day and have car whilst you are working. W asked what I'm doing on my bday next week and I replied nothing planned she suggested we all go out to dinner (wtf) I said I usually do a meeting Wednesday night. We left it open and did my usual quick ok then see you later and hung up.
Can't read too much into any of this, who knows where her mind is at.
Have occasionally been going to a local spiritual church. I started going not long after I embarked upon the 12 step recovery program. The program asks us to find our own concept of a higher power so off to the spiritual church I went. Fairly regularly initially and now not so often. You couldn't meet a nicer bunch of people. However I find that I can't really keep going there when I deep down think that most of them are delusional. If you were in a mental health unit and talked about having conversations with Jesus and the Archangel Gabrielle and seeing spirit guides and such, I really don't think they would be letting you out of there in a hurry.
W had gone quite newage in the years prior to the bomb and in fact used to go to this same church. Now a male friend of hers from her Monday night meditation group is attending this church regularly and is a full on healer and is trying to get a book published that Jesus channeled to him. Now the thing is how do I handle this fellow. I was there one evening and he was there talking to the group about how his good friend WIFESNAMEHERE is proof reading his manuscript & etc. Made me feel a bit iffy I must admit. I had previously worked out who he was, 'the mystical simon, healer, speaker of truth' from my w talking about him. Now it appears he knows who I am and may ask questions. Not that there is anything wrong with questions it's just the answers I'm concerned about.
If asked about her I could say...
'actually it's none of your business'
or
'yes she's my w, or should I say ex-w to be, we're sep'ed'
or
'who'
Whatever, doesn't really matter. I could use it to my advantage and make myself look good in his eyes so he'd report back to the w how great I'm doing. Yeah bull$hit! Most likely just wont go as much.
Went to listen to a Buddhist monk give a talk on suffering and how to overcome it the other weekend, it seems that our attachments to various things cause most of our suffering. Making me wonder if my attachment to my w & family is good for me or not. They also say that our actions are our only possessions and are the ground upon which we walk.
So what to do? Detach. Don't do anything to make the situation worse. Continue to work on my good self. Let others and myself reap the benefits.
W has seen the bank and they are ok with giving her a loan, changing the mortgage to her name and doing the whole refinance & payout bit. All they need is a jointly signed document detailing the assets and the split that has been approved by a judge in a court of law.
She didn't muck around seeing the bank. After she told me this she said she was going to leave me as the beneficiary in her will till the youngest, d11, is 18! Then invited me to come with the extended family (kids, nieces & nephews, w's siblings & their spouses) to Movie World at the Gold Coast on the weekend. Lover boy must have been unavailable, I said yes it sounds like it would be great.
She also said she had another job for the next couple of weeks and can't get to see a lawyer to get the asset split document drawn up. I told her to make sure she doesn't over do it with the two jobs and that I might be able to get one written up. W sounded keen to get the split done.
I shouldn't have said I could/would get one written up and have decided not do anything to assist other than possibly sign one if she presents one.
I was thinking about her statement about her will and just thought, given that she has stated previously I will never have custody of the kids, that what she was basically saying was you can have custody of the kids over my dead body.
Went to movie world, had a great time went on most of the rides. Didn't interact with w much although we (I) drove down together.
It was good to see all the little ones having a good time and I am glad I went. I nearly didn't but I'd said I would so I did.
I didn't hang around long after we got back just said my goodbyes to the kids and left.
Phoned home yesterday and w answered the phone.
me 'Hi' w 'You want the kids?' me 'yes'
Amazing stuff.
On a brighter note d17 graduated from high school last Friday. The graduation ceremony was quite good, as I've never been to one it was a first for me. I must admit I'm quite proud of d17 (s15, d13& d11 also). She left the ceremony and headed of for a formal dinner and then schoolies at Noosa for a week. She will be studying primary teaching at QUT next year.
Merry Christmas to you too Paul. Let us hope and pray that 2008 will be good for both of us. My divorce will be behind me next month, I hope you too will find closure of some kind.
