We'll call this a non conclusive poll. You all have very valid points, I guess that's why I'm not sure what to do either. Things have been better, is it a matter of W wanting/expecting something in return? I think sometimes things get better when W needs my support or help on something, however, it's not always that way. I feel that sometimes W old stubborn resolve of needing D pops up it's head, but then not long there after W sees that things are not as bad as originally thought. In the overall picture, I think W knows the right thing to do, but her pride gets in the way. So right after something provides a difficult challenge, she goes into the "this isn't going to work" mode.
Right now I am leaning towards taking the middle ground approach in regards to V day. I guess I have a week before I really have to make the decision. Perhaps a little event a work today might have helped her see my value more clearly.
Lately I think a lot of subtle things, of which I have had no part in, have helped her see the importance of R and family. What can you say when other people and events makes you look good? D17 seems to be getting more involved in her own life and not buying so much into being W MLC accomplice. Taking a step back seems to have given D17 a chance for her to strengthen herself spiritually, by her own choice. W has been seeing her "busy" activities as just what they are.
By the way WCW, when issues with S11 and school came up recently, I think W got a good look at the way things could be without me. She had to deal with things she was not ready to handle, which on most other days I would step in and handle. Mix that with positive comments from teacher and staff of my ability to deal with S11. There seems to be a trend that when there is issues at school the teachers and staff tend to call me first, they see that I can calm him down a lot better than anybody else.
Have been listening to a lot of helpful materials in the M field, I think I'm feeling good about my approach. My feeling is that I have to learn to be firm but loving in how I deal with W and sitch. As W seems to mellow out I think she is starting to see that I have been just that, therefor there isn't much to be hostile about when she is stressed about the sitch. I guess my mantra now is "do what's right, for the right reason and let the cards fall where they will". That way, if this all goes south, I'll have nothing to feel sorry for or hang my head over. These Ms are two people together making decisions, sometimes one party can make mistakes. We each have to answer for ourselves.
I guess my mantra now is "do what's right, for the right reason and let the cards fall where they will".
A good mantra to have. If we do what we feel is right, and our motives are pure, then all will turn out as it should. We are all on a life's train journey, and sometimes we are just not at the same station (and, sometimes, some of us are stuck on the tracks), so we can misunderstand one another. Perhaps, that's what happened in your, and my sitch.
Take care, Phoenix!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I guess some days I don't quite understand how some days W wants to have tough expectations and standards on the kids, but some days not. Of course watching her chew out D17 for treating her brothers the same way W treats me, is a tough one too. I know they say to communicate, but some days I'm afraid to open my mouth.
Whew I know that feeling! H will recognize poor behavior between other people pretty easy and comment on it but doesn't see himself in the mirror. Maybe there's your answer, have W and D17 face each other and ask if they like what they see.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
W claims she is unhappy because of being tied to me and she has D17 convinced that I'm selfish and controlling for staying around when I'm not wanted. So any time I question or challenge anything from W or D17, I'm a selfish control freak. Slowly D17 seems to be growing up out of this to some extent. Not sure if W will ever admit to herself what she is doing and grow out of it. Too many friends and relatives are getting tired of it.
Martyrdom can be such an unattractive trait, unless you're being so for deep, spiritual beliefs. Mmmm! So, your W is so unhappy that she can't bear to leave herself? I doubt your D17 is going to believe that line for very long.
Oh, you selfish man, you!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yes, D17 has already grown tired of W's "make myself busy in my own life activities". As W was turning to the "dark side", she started doing all sorts of activities that would re-define her. Since she would try to get D17 involved in most of them, it would take on the guise of trying to get closer and involved in D17 life. Surprise, D17 loves her mom, but wants her own life. So slowly D17 is not as interested any more. D17 is too busy with her last year in high school to be involved with other "fillers".
I think W is starting to see that perhaps things aren't so bad, things that seemed glossy, really weren't. The things that seemed like what she wanted might hurt the people she loves most. Of course, I think it is becoming more clear that a friend of her's that was "blazing the WAW path", was not as happy in the end. I feel sorry for the lady, but I guess she got what she wanted.
I hope W can overcome some of her stubbornness and turn this thing around before it gets too late. It's amazing what a little humbleness and effort would do for us right now. By the way, I did get her a V-day card in which I wrote a bit of a note. Of course, she got me nothing, but has been relatively nice since. Seems to have gone over fairly well.
Selfish for my M, selfish for my family....I guess I am what I am.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Not sure what to say, not sure what to do these days. The pendulum just seems to swing back and forth. Not too far in any direction mind you, but swinging non the less. I think in some ways I have just become tired of thinking of this whole mess, and just push it out of my mind and deal with it as it comes, day to day.
Non R wise, my life has become more and more busy. A lot of people have been calling on me for my talents and time. In some ways it is kind of, "well I've got something to do, let me know if you figure your mess out". Don't get me wrong, I do still love my W, however I can see that I have and am doing all I can to turn this around. The next major step is her's. How will she play it out? I don't know.
Occasionally we have had times where we start to talk just like we did in the old days. This goes well till either W or I have to go off and do something. When we come back we're back in the old "trench" again. My mood hadn't changed, but W's did. I usually am not even around to cause the problem.
I feel right now that I'm in a trench where I can't see either end. Will there ever be an end? I hope to find out. Right now I guess we'll just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other till we get somewhere.
Well once again my doubts were confirmed. Apparently W is still up to some of her old tricks. A friend came forward to me and laid out the info for me, pretty straight forward. He said that he is tired of her actions and that he doesn't want to hear or see her any more. I get to break the news to her tonight.
Needless to say I'm a little disappointed. Not sure where this will all go by the end of the weekend, but things could be bad for the next 24-48 hrs. Had a hunch things were not going to get better any time soon. Although I'm anxious, I'm calm.
