I hear you--I'm feeling the same as you, things are good, but it's a walk of faith to keep moving forward without looking back. Keep it up hon--you're doing great!
Thanks, Aud. Some days are great, some days are good, and some days are not so good. Fortunately, more days are in teh good and great category. That helps me to deal with the not so good days.
The other day, we had a setback. I got suspicious about somethign. So I called H at work and asked him point blank. I based these suspicions on something that was made up in my head. It wasn't like I had found something or anything. Anyway, I told him what was going through my head and the scenerio I had created.
We talked about it for about 5 minutes and I felt better. The only thing that bothers me is that he had a hard time understanding why I think or feel the way I do. He just wants it to all be over... with no setbacks. He wants me to automatically trust him and never have moments of suspicion -- even though he has done SO much to break the trust.
So, I said to him that I wished he could empathize with me... and try to put himself in my shoes when I react a certain way.
He is having trouble with empathy.
Otherwise, we've had a good weekend. He's going away this week frmo Monday till Thursday. Then again next Sunday to Tuesday. Then the following week from Sunday to Thursday. So, he's traveling LOTS over the next few weeks. But I'm okay with it becuase space tends to be good for us.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS, I can understand your wanting your H to empathize with what you're going thru regarding the trust issue. It seems like in an ideal world your H would be able to face the consequences of his actions and listen to your worry. His difficulty in being in those moments with you, indicate avoidance on his part. He is missing out on the potential for healing moments between you two. It would take courage for him to stay with you when you bring up this topic.
Of course you have a responsibility in managing and staying with your feelings. Worrying implies thinking about the future. There is a line between thinking and rumination. Identify the feeling, be aware of how your mind is reacting to it, and decide if you're staying with or trying to escape the feeling.
You can decide if the feeling merits a talk with your H or not. But it should be done with intent, not out of reactivity.
This practice continues for each of us, moment to moment, day to day.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
he had a hard time understanding why I think or feel the way I do. He just wants it to all be over... with no setbacks. ========================= Men move on faster, they don't retain memories like we do. He's living in the present, and you have misgivings he's prob thinking "but I haven't done anything bad today (or this past days/weeks)" whereas you are feeling uneasy based on what happened a long time ago (and I don't blame you.)
We always talked about this in C, H would claim he just didnt' see why xyz was bothering me, it just didn't make sense to him.
Hope you are keeping busy like Red, and glad that distance for a while helps you, hugs)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
My H is a classic avoider. Facing things hurts too much and he avoids pain like the plague. However, he's gotten better with facing the avoidance thing during this process. But he doesn't handle things the way I would, and I need to accept that this is waht makes us different.
This weekend, we went up to RI to see our little niece who was just born. I found myself on his case the entire weekend. I attacked him a bit (i.e. he never helps me out unless i specifically ask him and he only does things that are good for him)....
Last night, after we got home, i said do him, "I'm sorry I've been up your @ss this weekend". He said, "You were up my @ss... from the moment we left". I said, "I know. That's why I'm apologizing".
I also noticed that he took the trash out without me asking.
Last night, I crawled into bed and snuggled up to him. We talked about basketball a bit (he is quite passionate about it this time of year so i've been really trying to get involved).
Then we went to bed.
Today, he left for Fla. He's coming home tomorrow night. We need the space (once again). Next week, he is going away for most of the week. Then that's it for the traveling.
I need to catch myself when I start putting him down. Are there things I don't like about him? Yes. But that's always going to be the case in any R -- friends, relatives, or spouses. And I need to look past the things taht I may not like and look at the the things I do like about him. And I need to be careful about not putting him down. I was doing that this weekend.
Like Cat was saying, I find myself thinkign about OW often. I am working to put those thoughts out of my head. But I still find myself comparing myself to her (or my image of her). I still find myself being threatened of H's frienships with any woman -- well really only the ones who are not M.
This pieceing things is hard. Sometimes, I'm so tired of it all.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
he never helps me out unless i specifically ask him and he only does things that are good for him ========================================== Yes, in a perfect world this would be great, but it won't happen because your H grew up in a different kind of household and because fo the mars-venus effect, you wont' get help unless you ask, don't expect him to mind read as obvious as you think something is.
I have to work on that one, I get home to a big mess most times, and get into a tizy (chairs askew, bits of paper/toys on the floor) and H has told me before how he wished he'd be in the moon when I start picking up stuff with a certain degree of attitude.
Think to yourself, "would I like it if someone talked to me like this?"
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey PS, I have to tell you this...last nite I went to the movies, and for some reason, afterwards, I thought to myself that PS would really love this movie. It's called Juno, and it's about this adorable, precocious teenager who gets pregnant. The thing is, the teenagers, in their adolescent way, end up teaching the adults a thing or two about love.
Grab a friend and go...it's too mature for your boys!
Ali, Thanks for stopping by! Nice to see you around the boards these days.
Cat, that's exactly what I tell myself. My H is not me. Hedoes things differently. He was reaised differently. I need to know that we bring difference to this M. And some of these differences are what makes us work.
RJ, I'll have to check that one out. Thanks for thinking of me!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
