Weekly update: Still "taking a break" and trying to give my wife some room to sort things out in her own mind. I'm trying not to care so much - to stop feeling hurt and miserable all the time - but that's easier said than done. Reading through some of the posts on here last night I was nearly in tears because it seems like everyone else is having at least some amount of success while I'm having none. Don't get me wrong - I'm extremely happy for anyone that's having success - it's just that I'd like to have some too. I'm tired of sitting up every night reading these posts or finding some other way to kill time just because I don't want to keep going to bed alone.
Something else that doesn't help - when I was out of town last week the couple in the hotel room next to me had sex several times throughout the night. The woman was quite vocal (at times) and hearing her just reminded me of how badly I want to have nights like that with my wife. It's hard to explain how much it hurts.
Hang in there Sooner. I understand how everything brings your thoughts back to the SSM sitch. My thoughts never stray too far away either. My sitch is only just a little better than yours, but I'm still hopefull.
FredD
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
It hurts even more when you see or hear somebody else enjoying a good rogering. This reminds me how I felt in high school when I was a pencil necked geek. I wanted a girlfriend so bad but I was too much of a literature nerd and the ladies didn't look my way. When I got to college I began working out and got some style things changed. You hear what women are really interested in having a guy that's sensitive: then why is it that I didn't get any attention until I grew 45 lbs of muscle and spent more money on one pair of shoes than previously spent on the whole wardrobe? Doing dozens of pushups doesn't make me any more sensitive than before. If anything, I'm less sensitive than when I was young. I have a theory that women are almost as affected by looks as men are. I know there are exceptions, however.
Anyway, my weekend sucked again too. I've really just begun to consciously apply what I've learned from SSM book and already I'm feeling overwhelmed, hopeless and depressed. I feel closer to her emotionally than I've felt in a long time (and I've told her) but I don't know if I can handle these emotions without some strong positive feedback. I know I should be patient but I can't control the way I feel. Like Sooner and FredD, I am happy for others that are improving their situations; in some way it leaves hope for all of us "achers" but, at the same time, we wonder if our situation is truly hopeless or if it will take so long that it won't matter by the time our spouses realize how important intimacy is for us. Being in my 30's, in good shape, I feel like my libido and sexual abilities are in their prime. I don't want to wait until I need viagra to start enjoying sex.
Ladies, please give us the secret location to your "on button" before we wither away!
It's been about 10 days since I last posted so I thought I'd give a quick update. I tried for about two weeks to take a break from worrying about the relationship and was somewhat successful in finding other things to keep my mind occupied. I installed a pull-down attic ladder in the garage then floored the attic. Sweaty, sawdusty work! Anyway, by this past weekend things were starting to bother me again. I got in a brief spat with my wife but instead of not letting the argument die (as I usually do) I just left the house to go buy plywood without even saying that I was leaving. Kind of ticked her off I think, but when I later told her that I was just trying to get away to stop the argument she seemed okay with it. We even went out and saw a band that night.
Throughout those two weeks that I "took a break" I tried to show her no affection and just get along like friends or roommates. But I felt like I was putting on an act, which I suppose I was, and I really don't like having to do that. So I decided to write her another letter, explaining in more detail what I believe about marriage, intimacy, etc. and the reasons why I want to rekindle the physical intimacy in our marriage. I spent several evenings working on it and ended up with 4 pages - a bit long but I thought it turned out well. It clarified a lot about how I feel. I had to go out of town yesterday so after she had gone to work I printed it out and left it on the counter for her. We talked on the phone last night but she didn't mention it, nor did I. So I really have no idea if it might help, hurt, or have no impact whatsoever. Guess I'll just wait and see. I plan to just leave her alone for a while to think about things.
Not a very exciting update I know, but that's really all that's going on with me.
I think the letter you wrote was a good idea; I’ve been thinking about writing one myself lately since it is such a tough subject for my wife to listen to but I know she likes reading...maybe it will open a weak spot in her anti-sex defenses. In your case, the fact that your wife has not mentioned anything about it likely means that it did impact her and that she needs time for digesting it and trying to understand her own feelings about it. Let’s hope. The first step is recognition of a problem, a release of denial. I have yet to see that. What are some of the key points that you make in the letter? I’m not sure how to even begin. I’m also afraid of upsetting the precarious equilibrium of getting along well otherwise. Could I screw things up even worse by expressing my frustrations instead of swallowing them?
Lately, that is, post reading the SSM I’ve begun to feel a creeping sense of hopelessness. At first, I was excited to see that SSM describes so well the situations that so many of us have been dealing with. After finishing the book I think I am a slightly different person. I am still frustrated and hungry but at least now I can catagorize and consciously see the elements of my pain. A negative side effect I think is that being more aware of the pain, a veil has fallen, I can’t stop thinking about it now and searching for an opportunity to improve things. My ignorant anger with the situation is transforming into a deep soul-sinking sadness: the dark side of enlightenment is to be painfully aware. Her touch is even more searing, her loveliness more enticing, her disinterest in physical intimacy an icy daggar through my soul.
Something powerful must happen to shake our wives into recognizing the depth an potency of our pain. For now maybe all we can do is keep bailing out the water from our sinking life rafts faster than our spouses are drilling holes...an exhausting task but perhaps better than jumping ship(hard not to do when so many luxury yachts cruise by!)
I started my letter by going through some of my personal beliefs about marriage relationships in general – one of these being that a husband and wife should have a bond with each other that they don't have with anyone else. I believe that a big part of this bond comes from physical intimacy, which is in my opinion the primary thing that separates the relationship that you have with your spouse from the relationships that you have with everyone else. Of course physical intimacy must be accompanied by various non-intimate ways of showing that we love and care for each other, but by the same token it can't be neglected if we are to show our spouse that we truly adore them. Then I touched on the benefits of physical intimacy, going into some detail about each. I see these as being pleasure, health benefits, psychological benefits, and most importantly enhancing the bond between two people.
The rest of the letter was more specific to my relationship with my wife. I went into detail about the specific reasons that I desire physical intimacy with her. I addressed things we used to do together that I miss, how certain things (rejection, lack of interest, etc.) make me feel, my fear of eventually having an affair, etc. I also tried to show some understanding with regard to what she might be going through. Then I basically asked her to think about everything that I’d written and decide for herself if I’m worth all the effort. I’m trying to leave her alone to do that. I’ll let you know if it does any good.
After re-reading your post just now, I thought of one more thing. I made a real effort not to say anything mean, sarcastic, etc. This took several iterations of reading what I’d written and trying to imagine how it might come across to her. I was very honest and to the point, but hopefully in a loving and understanding way. Hope this gives you some ideas.
I am sorry for barging into your thread but I think I have to kill mine. There is very little support for a W in this type of sitch.
Aching Man said: "The first step is recognition of a problem, a release of denial. I have yet to see that. I'm also afraid of upsetting the precarious equilibrium of getting along well otherwise. Could I screw things up even worse by expressing my frustrations instead of swallowing them?"
I totally agree that the first step is towards recognition of the problem and in my case H said he does not think there is any problem. H has told me to stop writing him letters and to stop hassling him or he'd rather be alone. I have written many letters, sad letters about my pain and longing for him, sexy letters about what we've been missing and some naughty thoughts but mostly sad letters and very rarely angry ones and never accusing ones but they're usually either ignored or I'm told that I'm stressing and pressurising him. I simply don't understand it. If I were a H and my W tells me how much she misses my hugs, kisses, smell etc, I would just say "Come here, you" and proceed to give her a hug and a kiss etc and not "You are stressing me." If I were a H and my wife sends me a sexy email at work, I would get so excited I couldn't wait to get home to W for some fun but none of this happens. I don't get it. I am a loving and sensual person, nothing wrong with me (except for some leftover baby fat) but H has lost interest in me and has no time for me. I have no choice but to meet him at his level and to suppress my own feelings.
Yes Aching Man, you can screw up as I have by expressing your frustrations instead of swallowing them. I wish I hadnt'. After 20 months of nothing, H initiated once and was in such a hurry it hurt, it was quite obvious he only wanted to get it over and done with so that I would stop bugging him. The next day all I told him was the positive which was the truth. I asked him whether he could feel in my touch how much I needed him and how much I had missed him and that I would keep the memory of that moment in my mind for use when he was too busy for me. The 2nd time was when I initated and that went better but then I messed it all up by trying to discuss the sitch with H again and this time H told me "But we did it last week and the week before. I tried. What more do you want?" I told H that he had hurt me the first time because he was in such a hurry and that made him even angrier.So thats it. Almost 24 months now and only twice and H thinks there is nothing wrong. Its made me feel like a sex maniac or some ridiculous thing like that when all I want is a little loving from my own H.
Now we have regressed back to very little affection, no cuddling, no goodnight kisses etc. Mostly my own fault because I've been so hurt by all thats been said by H I just feel so tired to be the one trying all the time. It takes two hands to clap and two feet to tango. A kiss is not a kiss if you have to ask for it and love making is not an expression of love when a partner is just "trying" to appease you.
Sorry again Sooner. I know this is your thread and I got carried away venting. I wish you better luck with your letter than mine.
I don’t imagine Sooner objects to us grabbing his thread now and then, we’re all trying to weave a web of support out of the agony of our sexual imbalances.
I’m sorry that your letters appear to have had no effect or worse, a negative effect. I did write my wife a letter the other day but I mailed it to her office so that she would see it there and could read it without me pressuring her by handing it to her like a summons. She hasn’t gotten it yet so I don’t know how it is going to go over. I think it should be better than your husband’s reactions, but I have been surprised before. Pardon me but I think your husband is a fool not to appreciate such a sexy thoughtful wife as you! I would kill to have my wife care about our sex life the way you care about yours. I sincerely hope he recognizes the precious jewel he has before him someday, the sooner the better. Let me apologize to you on his behalf. What the F**** is up with all these sex drive imbalances that plagues our relationships?
I also wanted to encourage you by saying a lot of the things I write here I direct not only to men in pain, but also to women of healthy libido, like yourself. So don’t feel alone here. You sound like a wonderful woman; I can’t tell you how mind-boggling it is for me to hear that your husband is not awake to your sensuality. I simply can not comprehend how he could not be all over you after being exposed to all the sweet and sexy things you’ve been doing. In so many ways your situation sounds like the inverse of mine, that is, your husband is sorta like my wife and I am more like you. She is easily overwhelmed with my affections. I can tell when I’ve tried to touch her one too many times. I get a lot more physical contact than you but I am going insane with desire all the same. The contact (hugging, pecks, flirting, etc) is wonderful and I enjoy it but at the same time it kills me that it doesn’t go beyond that because I get so worked up(up up and away!!!!) simply by a brief brush with her skin that I just about need a cold shower. It is a paradox that I could not say no to a non-sexual hug or kiss even though I know I am going to be in worse shape emotionally after it. Sometimes it would be easier to keep my sanity if we didn’t touch so much. I think this might be a distinction between high lib men and high lib women: women can be a lot more satisfied with simply physical non-sexual closeness, whereas men (I’m really speaking from my perspective here, so y’all correct me if this isn’t true for most) need to go all the way more often.
(This happens to me often) A couple nights ago my wife came in after I had gone to sleep and gave me a nice little hello kiss and was actually semi-straddling me wearing no pajama bottoms. This immediately set me on fire! In my book that is an extremely sexual message. I pretended to be calm and responded warmly but not very sexually by only rubbing her back and touching her hair lightly (non-sexual activities for her). I was so happy and excited thinking “wow, she’s in the mood!” but a few moments later she was asleep on top of me! I couldn’t f***ing believe it. Now I was totally awake and lay there in physical and mental anguish with her body burning into my soul. I couldn’t sleep for 3 hrs. I became so distraught that my head and chest began aching, like a dizzy migraine and heartburn. The next day I was still not feeling well. It is not just an emotional need. This longing is affecting my physical and mental health. The stress and depression associated with sexual suffering is no doubt taking years off my life. I am honestly afraid of being at a greater risk for heart attack or stroke if this continues for another 5 or 10 years.
I wholeheartedly agree with you:
“A kiss is not a kiss if you have to ask for it and love making is not an expression of love when a partner is just "trying" to appease you. “
WE ARE NOT ALONE, WE ARE NOT SEX MANIACS, WE SIMPLY NEED LOVE.
Thanks for the words of encouragement AchingMan. I will not take up more of Sooner's thread with a long reply. Just one thought for you. Be thankful you have so much contact with your W for you would feel 10 times worse if you weren't. LH
Just wanted to let you know that I don't mind at all if you barge into my thread - that's what it's there for. I learn so much from what everyone else has to say on here even when the comments aren't specifically directed at me.
Nothing new to report here. I've gotten along with my wife fine through the weekend - like roommates but nothing else. I'm having some success directing my energy elsewhere but I'm starting to run out of things I can do in my attic - built shelves up there on Saturday. My wife still hasn't mentioned the letter that I left for her last Wednesday, but based on her actions (or lack thereof) I'm becoming less optimistic that she's putting much thought into the things that I said. Maybe she decided that I'm not worth all of the effort it would take to make our marriage passionate again.
