Sorry to hear about your weekend. Mine was somewhat similar. Spent all weekend busting my butt to get things ready for my daughter's 3rd birthday party. Airing up inflatable pools, moving lawn furniture, mulching and watering flower beds, etc. My W even told me a couple times that my hard work deserved a "reward". But, the reward never came because she was too tired. Then she tried to snuggle with me which shortly turned into her snoring loudly about 3 inches away from my ear. Eventually the Tylenol PM knocked me out. So, like yours, what should have been a very good weekend that built our closeness was ruined.
Thoughts of leaving her have returned after being banished for a few weeks. I could have written your exact words in your last "roomate" paragraph. I'm starting off the week feeling lower than dirt, self esteem in the dumps and wishing for a different life. I had a card to give her that I threw in the trash this morning. And, I will not be sending her flowers this week.
FredD
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Sorry to hear your W wasn't as conducive to your goals this weekend as you wanted her to be. I'd kill to have my W snuggle next to me again I don't care if she snored to wake up the neighborhood. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that your hard work this weekend was intended to get results that benefitted yourself, rather than doing it because you genuinely love and/or can give unconditionally. She noticed how hard you were working and commented to that effect and even attempted at getting close to you physically. I would venture to say there are many of us that would take those results and call it a day. Its your last two sentences that sums of your atitude in my mind. I can understand the frustration, I'm just unclear as to how that attitude is conducive to getting your W back, if thats what you really want to do. I think the most difficult part of DBing is having to sacrifice our own needs for the betterment of keeping our M alive. I've been able to do that for the last month and allthough I haven't seen immediate results, my sitch has stabilized, yet still on life support. Hope you have a sincere change of heart the next few days in terms of expecting too much too fast.
My goal for my hard work was only to make sure my daughter had a good birthday party, which she did indeed have. My sitch came off life support several weeks back and we had made some substantial progress dealing with the SSM issues. Seems we're having a relapse now though. Despite all the "research" time here on the message board and reading the SSM book, I still find myself feeling the same old thoughts from being rejected. And like Sooner, today I don't feel like being the "nice guy" and the negative behaviors have returned.
I am a walking contradiction. Today I'm not following my own mantra - see my new "signature" below.
FredD
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
I hear ya, i contradict myself in my mind all the time, human nature, mine stems from anger and resentment. Yet it fuels me to keep going when all hope appears lost at this point.
I'm sorry, Sooner. I was really hoping you were going to have something good to report. I know you were too.
You sound like someone who needs a break. Why not go ahead and take one? Fulfill your responsibilities and continue to be kind. I know you will. But take care of yourself too. What about that hobby you mentioned taking up?
You're right about there only being so much you can do and the rest being up to your wife. I know it is hard to stop trying to "do" something that will lead to the desired behavior from your wife. But maybe it is time to be still. Sometimes things don't change until you become still and allow the other person to come to you. It would be different from what you have been doing. Hard, yes, I know.
My H told me he had learned to tell me what he was feeling or wanted and then to give me space. He said he had learned to trust me and that I would find my way to working it out, but that I couldn't be pushed into it. Maybe your wife needs a clear, non-angry, non-blaming statement from you about what you want and then the space to work it out on her own.
I was sad to read both of your messages. Getting to the end of your rope is an ugly place to be. I’ve been there many times, then later I somehow think that there is still hope and give it another shot (usually after seeing my lady step out of the shower!). I think that most of the 5,000+ nights we’ve gone to bed together since St. Sexe quit blessing our marriage have left me laying there with the crushing weight of disappointment and frustration that is rejection. That is a lot of wasted get-down-and-boogie time, Y’all. Just think about how many smiling days that could equal (I’m talking about the post-lovemaking idiot grin that takes about 50 lbs of our shoulders the next day)
I don’t know how many days that I planned something special (flowers, dinner, weekend away...whatever) for my wife that never led to a special response. She enjoys the favor but doesn’t necessarily reciprocate. That makes me feel like I’m being used. It’s not that I plan those events (well, not always) with the goal of getting laid in mind but rather doing sweet or romantic things for her benefit gives me a huge turn-on. Even doing non-romantic favors for her (out of genuine kindness) turns me on big time. I can’t get away from this!
I just read The BOOK (I’m not talking about the bible) and gained a lot of insight but perhaps more than anything it was a validation, a confirmation of what I have felt and believed. It made me realize that I am not a sexual deviant or bad person because I want to have an active sex life. I actually believe now that I am not really a high libido person, rather a medium high if you base it on straight physical need. I think that if you add the need for intimacy (not just an orgasm) to the formula then the results show me as an extremely high libido. This is the distinction that many of us here on the site have been describing.
This is the first book I’ve read that is real (I’ve read quite a few sex/relationship help books). It strikes at the heart of issues and describes them frankly and honestly. Finally, a woman that publicly admits that sex is a good thing! I’m going to employ a reversal technique (do the opposite of what isn’t working) of doing FEWER gestures of romance and pretend that I don’t really want sex (in other words bite my tongue until it bleeds) while still being civil. I’m still utterly puzzled that the fact that I am trying to improve our relationship is, according to what my wife has told me, the problem.
Here’s a question for Michele: If being kind and generous isn’t working then is being a bit more stormy tempered the answer? Is it possible that starting a relationship being nice and kind is actually a mistake? I see the husbands that have started out in the marriage pretty rough; they cause a lot of pain and frustration for their wives for a while, then make a few upgrades and the wife is ecstatic that she’s getting positive changes in the relationship. Could it be that starting rough gives the woman (or a low libido guy) something to smooth out? Perhaps we nice guys made a mistake by starting with the bar way too high for us to keep up with, therefore the expectations for change from the low libber’s viewpoint are farther out of reach.
Let me see if I can effectively illustrate what I’m trying to get at: Let’s say there’s this new husband and he’s a bit of a lazy bastard, never even remember’s their anniversary or her birthday, calls her “fat bitch” and has gained a big old whopping beer gut in the couple years that they’ve been married. His wife is aching for him to change his ways. She approaches him with her issues. He acts like a lightbulb has gone off and starts working out, brings her flowers occasionally, and gives her a romantic dinner on her birthday. The bar for measuring the difference between his previous character and the change was very low. This is why I think you fellows, (Sooner and FredD) are having a tough time like me. We started out too nice now there’s not enough room to go up. Bringing her flowers has less of an impact than it does for Ol’ Fat Bastard. When he brings flowers she thinks there’s been a miracle and is happier than hell.
I’m getting away from my pep talk for you boys (I shouldn’t be talking since my sex life sucks, but somehow it is easier to help someone else than to help yourself.) Anyway, my point is that I know for me that exposure to the stimuli (i.e. hot lady that I’m insanely and passionately in love with...) causes a lot of pain and frustration. It could be that in our situations that we need to give them more room and give ourselves more distance from the object of our desire. I know this is only helps temporarily but when you’re just about to go insane then desperate measures need to be taken. Get away for a day or so, give something to yourself, try out a new hobby, hang out with friends. Yeah, I know these are lame ideas but getting a little break from the object of your frustration might be the next best thing to basking in its radiation. I actually miss my lady’s love more when she’s right next to me than when I’m physically away from her. I’m not sure it all that makes any sense.
I had a no show weekend, as well. Been working out at Gold’s gym to help deal with some frustrations. Helps a little, temporarily.
MPT is right. You do need a break. Go and do something nice for yourself. You will feel better and it will take your mind off things. This is just one of the down days. I too have several kinds of days like the following which I think you will understand too:
1. Very positive Days - I will change myself and hopefully things will improve. 2. Despair Days - I've tried everything and nothing works. I can't sleep, I cry myself to sleep. 3. I Give Up Days - I give up! I give up trying, I give up being nice. I give up feeling anything. 4. Cloud 9 Days - Needs no further explanation.
You're just having a I Give Up Day but you will feel better. And don't ever forget that your W is probably feeling very miserable right now too. As you've said, she hardly has time for herself, and when she does, she feels she has to spend it with the girls coz she feels guilty about not being with them more. She also probably feel she has to meet your needs but for some reason, stress, hormonal or whatever, the libido is not there and now more stress from argument over what was a nice weekend to begin with.
Please, please try not to have the sex argument. I think you have made it clear enough to her, an argument isn't going to help improve things. You will just bring up more and more unrelated issues in the argument which will just drive her further and further away, not closer.
Now, you go and do something nice for yourself and hopefully you will go back to having a postive day.
Man that stinks! To some degree I know how you feel. For some reason whenever H and I go out of town, that's when we have our biggest relationship fights. I think being away from all other distractions allows whatever is brewing deep inside us to surface and it just spills out.
Easter weekend, we went to beach for 3 days with another couple. I looked at him the wrong way, he snapped at me in front of our friends I went to the bathroom, and slammed the door. Our friends went on without us while we had an all day fight/discussion. We said very hurtful things to eachother. Lots of tears and talk of D. It was horrible and embarrassing.
But...as you know the fights don't last forever and the bright side is that we both got some stuff out into the open. And since we got back we have had long needed conversations and intimate time together.
We yell and talk loud when we feel as if our message is not being heard. It sounds like your W isn't hearing you. I also agree with MPT, maybe it's time to do some stuff for you. Cheer yourself up.
I know that this is frusturating for you and I am sorry for your pain. I however am glad you are posting here because it helps me see what kind of emotions my H was probably going through when I was not having sex with him. I don't ever want him to feel that way again. I didn't know how deeply the rejection went. Hearing you talk helps me stay focused and determined to never reject him again. I hope that very soon your W will come to realize the same thing. Until then, stay strong.
I'm out of town on business and just got a chance to check up on my latest post. I just wanted to let everyone know that I truly appreciate your support and concern - it helps more that you could imagine (well, I suppose maybe some of you could imagine). Your replies have convinced me that I should definitely take a break, and I now feel a lot better about doing so.
AchingMan, I know exactly what you mean when you say that you miss your wife's love more when she's right next to you than when you're away from her. The same thing happens to me - I travel quite a bit, but I often feel the lonliest when I'm home and there's still no physical contact with my wife. At least when I'm away from home I have no hope of anything physical happening.
Jen, your Easter weekend fight with your husband sounds exactly like my weekend in California. I'm often amazed at the similarities between my situation and those of so many other people.
