I don't think you're all that different from other women. In fact I don't think men and women are all that different. If you pay attention to form rather than content, the messages are very much the same: "I want my spouse to be interested in me in the way that makes me feel like they care about me and in the way where I feel a real connection."
Developing a wide variety of ways in which one can feel connected to one's spouse has been feeling very healthy for our relationship. Helps prevent that old problem of all eggs being in one basket, whatever the basket may be.
I think Sooner would agree with me that it's not that we would exactly expect sex for our little gifts and kindnesses, rather it is the act of giving to her, the expression of the tenderness and shear love that we feel in that moment of pure generosity that causes an arousal in us. You see, not all men are horny simpletons. We may be horny but the nature of our sexuality and identity does not make us beastly or cavemanlike. This is a socially induced myth, an ideology that has damaged our reputation beyond repair. For a man (forgive me, horny women, I can't speak for you), physical intimacy with our wives is simply the most profound expression of our love and connection to them. Apparently, this is often not the case from their perspective, as they appear to believe a selfless nonsexual act, such as as surprise mopping of the floor or a long discussion about her interests, is a more profound expression of love. For many men I think that meeting her needs along these lines would be more natural if she met our sexual needs from the perspective of what we need; and vice versa: if men met their wives needs maybe they would in turn become more sexually involved. It's a chicken-and-the-egg problem: who starts? Unfortunately, so far, my 15 yrs experience tells me otherwise. That is, my generosity and kindness seems to have little effect on a reciprocal act of kindness in the sexual realm, where my (our) greatest needs are. I find little corelation between giving and receiving. Receiving tends to be more closely related to the alignment of the planets and a set of circumstances so complex that Einstein gave up trying to figure out the Theory of Feminine Sexuality. The Theory of Relativity proved much easier to comprehend.
How do we get our low-lib spouses to realize that, aside from real physical needs, our sexual drive is built around the profound intimate expression of our love? Is there anything that is done on a daily basis that is such a powerful expression? You can only die for someone once. I honestly have a really hard time understanding how mopping the floor or other such acts can rate so high.
Are their many guys out there that are withholding sex from their wives because the dishes haven't been done or because the kids were bratty at the dinner table?
Are there women out there that would rather have their husbands ravish them ardorously on the stairs halfway through washing the dishes because their passionate love took over their self-control?
Quote: Are there women out there that would rather have their husbands ravish them ardorously on the stairs halfway through washing the dishes because their passionate love took over their self-control?
here!!
I've told my h many times that I do not mind doing the house work at all..I don't mind doing the laundry cleaning the house caring for the kids etc...but resentment about doing these things and NOT getting some physical contact from him makes me angry that I do all these things...makes me feel like I'm just his mother or something...now if halfway up the stairs or in the middle of folding laundry or doing the dishes or sitting watching tv or sleeping or talking or whenever h would initiate sexual closeness...I'd be happy to do 10 loads of laundry and not complain at all about it!!
I agree with everything you said. The chicken and the egg, doing the giving but getting no receiving, all that. I think the HD spouse is almost powerless to stop the cycle. The LD spouse has much more power to get things on track.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Wow! I'm impressed! If only your husband could see that he's got a real keeper. Imagine a woman that wants to have her man to get spicy with her and doesn't mind doing the housework! My wife hates the housework (so I do most of it) and hates sex (so I twiddle my thumbs).
I move that we get everybody lined up against the wall then pair the passionate guys with the passionate gals and the low libido guys with the low libido gals. After a few years check and see who's having the most fun. Any guesses?
Quote: I move that we get everybody lined up against the wall then pair the passionate guys with the passionate gals and the low libido guys with the low libido gals. After a few years check and see who's having the most fun. Any guesses?
been told that we still wouldn't be happy...we'd simply find something else to complain about...oh well!
Quoting lostlove: I've told my h many times that I do not mind doing the house work at all..I don't mind doing the laundry cleaning the house caring for the kids etc...but resentment about doing these things and NOT getting some physical contact from him makes me angry that I do all these things...makes me feel like I'm just his mother or something...now if halfway up the stairs or in the middle of folding laundry or doing the dishes or sitting watching tv or sleeping or talking or whenever h would initiate sexual closeness...I'd be happy to do 10 loads of laundry and not complain at all about it!!
LL
You are so right though of course it is always nice when H helps without being asked when he notices that I am overwhelmed by work. Keyword here is notices.
Flowers every week? I am more touched when H buys me a new hairband to replace my old one because he noticed the one I was wearing is broken.
Candlelit dinners? It can be just as nice eating takeout at home when we talk, laugh and simply enjoy each others company. Anywhere is nice, not necessarily a restaurant.
Compliments, great only if sincere. In other words, little things we do for each other and together, whatever they may be count a lot more. What is the use of flowers, compliments, gifts if you do not treat each other in a loving, thoughtful, caring and considerate manner?
Quote: For many men I think that meeting her needs along these lines would be more natural if she met our sexual needs from the perspective of what we need; and vice versa: if men met their wives needs maybe they would in turn become more sexually involved.
We men simply cannot treat this as we would a business deal. The operate word in the above quote is "IF"... ( it's used twice)
It's NOT about sex........it's about intimacy...and REALLY knowing the lady......having her trust you enough, to be able to tell you all that she would tell a girlfriend. ~Communication.~
I DO housework. You know why? Because she works all day at the office.....and I simply dont expect her to come home and work even more. She doesnt have to ask me, nor bribe me.....I just do it because I love her...and want to help out. This is important to her. It was easy to notice that she appreciates it. I like the look on her face when she walks in the door.
We men dont LISTEN to the non verbal communications that women transmit sometimes. She shouldnt HAVE to ask us.... ( that seems to be some of their attitudes...and that's OK with me.)
Each lady is different. Getting to know them is the fun part. I was with a wonderful lady for 20 years and knew her better than her own family. But I didnt know enough.
My hindsight is 20/20, of course. I may make mistakes with my new lady........but they certainly wont be the same ones that I made before.
Lack of sexual drive in a lady is a SYMPTOM of other issues that we men miss in our evaluation process. It is a by product....and rarely the issue itself.
She needs to receive something she isnt presently getting, in order to feel close enough to you to want to give of herself.
I liked the hairband example from the female poster above. These are the kinds of things that this particular lady responds to. My new lady is the same way. I drove her Pathfinder one day last month and noticed that it needed new shocks. I didnt make a big deal about it. I just bought them and installed them. I expected nothing.
But you know what happened ? She said "Thank you baby !"...with a genuine sparkle in her eyes and smile on her face.
She felt loved. Period. That's all it took for her that day.
Listen to her heart. It doesnt yell at you....but it is quietly trying to tell you something. And when you learn it's language........you're in for a real treat ! The intimacy begins to return. The closeness. Then the lust...but only for the man she loves.
This is a learning process...and once you begin to see and HEAR......it's a wonderful ride ! ( no pun intended..) ( Ok...I lied....maybe a small pun !)
Quote: My new lady is the same way. I drove her Pathfinder one day last month and noticed that it needed new shocks. I didnt make a big deal about it. I just bought them and installed them. I expected nothing.
But you know what happened ? She said "Thank you baby !"...with a genuine sparkle in her eyes and smile on her face.
I had to smile when you posted this. It reminded me of the time my h spontaneously replaced the spring lock on the back door with a deadbolt. I hadn't even thought about it, but he said he just felt better about my safety that way. I felt really loved. He had a really good time that evening. I see a new marketing campaign for shocks, deadbolts, smoke detectors, and outdoor lighting.
Quote: Lack of sexual drive in a lady is a SYMPTOM of other issues that we men miss in our evaluation process. It is a by product....and rarely the issue itself.
Having gone from an LD spouse who was really struggling with trying to stay sexually active with my h to a "can- barely-get-enough" spouse, I have to agree with this statement, at least in my case. Sometimes it is a symptom of something within us, within our relationship, in our lives in general, even something completely unrelated to our feelings for our spouse/lover, or a combination. Worry about my business interferes with my drive. My h's reassurance that he will still be with me even if we're living in a cardboard box helps bring it back.
It's Sunday night and my wife and I just got back from California. The weekend didn't go as I had hoped. Her flight was delayed Thursday night and finally arrived at 11:30 Pacific Time (1:30 a.m. back home). I picked her up at the airport and took her to the hotel. She was worn out from the long night of traveling so I knew there was no chance of anything romantic happening that night. As usual we fell asleep three feet apart from each other in a king sized bed. Nothing happened the next morning either, although I didn't expect it to.
Nonetheless, our first day together was very nice. We had breakfast at a little place on the water while in view of the USS Abraham Lincoln which had just returned to port. We could see all of the sailors lined up around the perimeter of the ship as we ate. Next we did some shopping at a couple of nice places in San Diego and mainly bought souvenirs for our girls. We then crossed the border and spent 3 or 4 hours looking around Tijuana while holding hands most of the time. Of course she was probably just scared of the locals (kidding actually).
After we crossed back into the states, we found her uncle's old condo on the beach where she had stayed for a while during the summer several years ago (before we met). It was getting dark so we drove back downtown and had dinner, then we headed back to the hotel. Again, we went to sleep without so much as a kiss or a cuddle. The next morning I cuddled up to her a little, and pretty quickly she hopped out of bed to get in the shower (without inviting me to join her of course).
I lost it at that point. I had planned to just have a good time together and basically pretend to be happy even if nothing romantic happened the whole weekend. If I could at least have done that, maybe she would start to enjoy being alone with me - without dreading the possibility of the sex argument. But I screwed up and said something - I don't even remember what - and the sex argument got started. The rest of the trip was miserable for both of us. I became a complete jerk, said things that I'm sure she'll hold against me for the rest of our lives, and as usual I wouldn't let the argument die. I hate myself when I become that person, so I obviously wouldn't expect my wife to love me either. I am utterly stupid!
We're back home now, with our girls, and we're getting along okay at the moment - back to being roommates again I suppose. But I've now realized that things will probably never get any better as long as I continue to try and fix them. I feel like a fool. I've worked so hard to try and become the perfect husband and to try and understand what my wife might be going through. I understand that she didn't intentionally lose her sex drive, and I don't blame her for that one bit. But it makes me so mad that she can know, at least to a point, how badly I'm hurting over this, yet she's unwilling to put any effort into fixing the problem. Granted, she's made a couple of very minimal efforts - I'll give her that - but my happiness is way down on her priority list. I feel like she's being completely selfish.
I'm to the point that I want to stop caring, but I don't know how. I won't neglect my responsibilities as her "roommate", but I also don't really care to keep doing things just for her. I could be the most affectionate, loving, thoughful husband in the world, but why should I be when my happiness is not the least bit important to her. I had hopes of taking weekend trips without the kids more often, going on "dates", or even just watching an occasional movie together after the girls go to sleep. I was planning to send her flowers weekly for no reason. But I don't plan to do those things anymore. It occurs to me that a big part of my falling in love with my wife was the fact that she was in love with me. I don't belive that she is anymore, and while I'll always love her, I think that eventually I'll no longer be "in love" with her. That's the only thing I can think of that might make the hurt I'm feeling right now go away. I honestly believe that nothing I could possibly do will fix our problems - so why keep trying? My wife has to decide on her own that she wants a loving, intimate relationship with me, and if she should do that I'll give her more love than she ever dreamed of - assuming it's not too late anyway.
Why does marriage have to involve the same stupid games that you play when you're dating?
