Hi, I've been following your post because in many of it you sound like you could have taken then words right off my mouth. I always thought that men and women see intimacy in a very different light but from what I've read, its not very different at all. We all need to be needed and wanted by our spouses. I am the HD W in my M and I have trouble understanding why it got this way. H doesn't talk about it and I feel like an old shoe to him now. I've told him that even an old shoe sometimes needs a polish. No response. I've told him how much I miss his smell and his kiss. I now get goodnight pecks on the lips. Its an improvement since I had to be the one to give goodnight pecks on the cheeks before this. Nothing remotely passionate or sensual. I just don't get it. I mean if I were him and my W tells me how crazy she is about me and how much she misses me, I would say "Come here" then give her a big kiss and a hug. What is so difficult about that? Instead when I tell him how I'm yearning for him, he tells me I'm stressing him. I mean, I feel stressed up and in need of sleep too and what better way to destress and get better sleep than to connect with the one you love in an intimate way.
Sorry, I'm digressing. I'm responding to your curiousity post to females in general. In my opinion, women are not such visual creatures like men but smells does what sight does not. I love my H's natural smell or certain colognes he uses or the smell of him fresh from a shower, or after a beer (not five!), or sometimes even all sweaty too. I agree that your W may have gotten immune to the old cologne. Try something new with the same base ingredients or use a different one for sometime then revert to the old familiar smell.
Hope that helps and hope you have a nice weekend. How about trying room service and a bottle of champayne. In the good old days before my M became SSM H and I enjoyed that very much. In the meantime work on the afffection part. You don't have to leave touching your W to just when you are alone and in bed. You can include your girls. I love it when I hold my baby in my arms and H comes and hugs both of us in his arms or play peek a boo with baby behind my shoulders. Or you could encourage your girls to give mummy a massage while you are having family time. One girl in charge of hands, one in charge of feet and you massage the shoulders. I don't know a W who could reject a H in this situation. Mother's Day is coming. Why don't you take your girls shopping for a gift for mummy on your own so that your W gets to do her own thing. It will do wonders to rejuvenate her. I read in a research that the most stressed up individuals are working mothers with young children. It is not easy to be constantly in demand of your kids, your boss, your H. You lose yourself in the process. You hardly have any time for yourself. These days, even finishing the papers and drinking a cup of tea or coffee uninterupted is a luxury to me. Pamper your W, let her find herself again before she reconnects with you. Another thing that crosses my mind is the fact that is she working because she wants to or for financial reasons. Some women get so torn up with guilt etc when they can't take care of their kids themselves. Do you know what are her stresses? Reduce them and hopefully she will find time to be in the mood again. Just a women't perspective of things for you. Maybe it will help, maybe not. Maybe you can give me a men's perspective in my post. LH
Hmm.. I just saw MPT's post after I posted. So maybe you can bare your soul over champayne so your wife won't get pressured thinking that you are after one thing only. Yes, that would be very nice indeed.
MPT - you're right, I don't know the answers to a lot of those questions - and it bothers me that I don't. Those are great examples and I appreciate all the thought that you put into your reply. I would love to be able to talk to my wife on that level - to really know her. I think that's a critical part of the marriage relationship. Unfortunately my wife doesn't open up very often - she keeps everything to herself and acts like certain parts of her life are none of my business. I don't really think that she grasps the "two become one" concept of marriage. When I've tried to ask her questions in order to get to know her better, she usually reacts as if I'm giving her the third degree - like I'm trying to find out something to use against her. That's never my intent, although I'm sure my approach could use some work. I'll give some thought to what you've said and try to work in such questions more often when I have an opportunity. Thank you as always.
luvhubby - thank you for your response as well. I honestly don't know if my wife ever likes a certain way that I smell - sure wish I knew. I may be spending all of my time trying to smell clean when I should really be staying sweaty!
You've given me some great suggestions - I especially like the full-family massage. My wife works because we can't currently afford for her not to - and the things you've said are right on the money. I think she does feel that she's lost herself between work, the kids, and numerous other committments that come up. She has said that she never has any time to herself. I should probably offer to take the kids off her hands more often, although she seems to feel left out if we run off and leave her. Also, she's said that she feels guilty that she can't be home with the girls every day. Our 5-year old is in a half day pre-K program and I know it bothers my wife to think about not being able to see the girls off to school every morning and greet them at home every day. I'm hoping that we'll eventually be able to get by on my income alone so that she can quit working and be a stay-at-home-mom, or at least cut back to only a few hours per week. But for now all I can do is sympathize and try to understand how she feels. Thanks so much - your comments have been helpful.
By the way, I know that I probably come across as negative concerning every suggestion that anyone gives me (i.e. I'd like to do that but...). However I'm really not as pessimistic as I may seem - I'm basically playing devil's advocate with each suggestion based on how I THINK my wife will react. In many cases I'm sure she'll react differently than I'd expected and I believe that some combination of the suggestions I've gotten on this message board will eventually make a huge difference in our relationship. Just didn't want to discourage anyone from offering suggestions - I really do appreciate them very much.
My W seems to be from the same mold as yours I think. Her past is her business. She doesn't have any goals (I have asked many times). She lives for today and doesn't spend any time thinking more than a few months ahead at the very most (she has no appreciation for retirement planning!). She doesn't open up to me or anyone and doesn't seem to have that need. She doesn't even want "to talk about her feelings" like the stereotypical woman.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
I was lurking and naturally, being the typical male that I am.....I had to wade into this thread.
Questions: ( for all of us )
-When was the last time you made her feel special for no particular reason at all ?
-Sent flowers for no particular reason?
-Boosted her self esteem with a positive comment about something that's important to HER ? ( guys.....this is a BIGGIE !)
-Treated her like a "date" ?
-Changed your cologne...oops you did that. ...Try "Farenheight" by Christian Dior....or "Mania" by Armani....or "Curve" by......( I forgot).
-Took her to a nice quiet restaurant and just listened to her talk, while looking deep into her eyes , while smiling ?
- Poured white zinfadel into a fresh strawberry's center and fed it to her ?
-Casually complemented her new outfit...purse...shoes...hairdo....anything ?
- REALLY listened and HEARD her ? Without offering advice!
- "Hmm....honey...that's a tough one....but I like your idea about such and such...I have faith in you......you can work it out..." etc.
-Just held her without initiating sex ?
-When was the last time did any of us do the things we did to make them fall in love with us in the first place ?
Obvious questions, I know. But I'm doing it all now with my new lady....and trust me.....it's made a world of difference. She stays "lit up" when I apply these things in earnest.
I send fresh flowers for her desk at work each and every week. ( drives the other office girls wild with envy, too..which makes her proud!) It only costs me $25 a week and we all know that a good date is going to cost at least $100....right ? Money well spent.
When was the last time you bought her some little gift for no reason and didnt expect sex for it ?
Treat her like a princess.....and she will become one.
Besides.......if it doesnt work out with her........I can promise that her friends will be available later on, if they know how she was treated......chuckle...just kidding.
I know for me personally, I work full time in a high stress environment. After working all week, doing housework on the weekends, listening to STBX talk, cooking etc., all I could think about were naps - sex was often the last thing on my mind.
There were times when STBX was in the mood and I just wanted to go to sleep so I could be rested for work the next day!
I know something that would have worked for me would have been to come home and find all of the housework done, a nice romantic dinner, candles, a massage... Maybe if you surprise your W so that when she comes home one evening, she has nothing else to worry about - maybe she will have the mental energy to think about making love to you. When us women have a million responsibilities running around in our heads, our sex drive does tend to go into low gear.
BTW - I cannot speak for all women, but most of my friends and I - we prefer silk boxers on our men!
I must be a man in a womans body then..cuase honestly though it would be nice if h lit candles, put on silk boxers, made dinner, put on some music, dressed nice, wore cologne, did the chores...took care of the kids etc...it really isn't all that needed...I'm happy if h simply "wants" to be with me whatever the circumstance!
-When was the last time you made her feel special for no particular reason at all? I try to do this frequently, although I'm not always successful. Sometimes what I think will make her feel special actually doesn't.
-Sent flowers for no particular reason? I've brought her flowers for no particular reason on several occasions recently. The last time, less than a week ago was actually for a specific reason - to thank her for making an effort to work on our problems (okay, for sex if you prefer). But otherwise it's been for no particular reason. Not long ago while out of town I sent her a balloon bouquet at work with a card saying that I just wanted to let her know that I appreciate her and love her. She liked that. I think that sending things (flowers, etc.) to her work makes more of an impact than bringing them home myself, so I should probably try to do that more often. I like your idea about sending fresh flowers for her desk at work every week.
-Boosted her self esteem with a positive comment about something that's important to HER? I try to do this as often as I can. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.
-Treated her like a "date"? I still open the door for her etc. but I'm sure I could always do better.
-Changed your cologne? Actually I haven't changed mine yet, but I probably will soon.
-Took her to a nice quiet restaurant and just listened to her talk, while looking deep into her eyes , while smiling? I've done that, but I was frowning instead of smiling. Just kidding actually.
- Poured white zinfadel into a fresh strawberry's center and fed it to her? Never done that one.
-Casually complemented her new outfit, purse, shoes, hairdo, anything? I try to compliment her on such things whenever I can. Still, I'm sure that more complements wouldn't hurt (if sincere).
- REALLY listened and HEARD her? Without offering advice! I'm working on this - I usually try to be a problem solver and I've finally figured out that trying to solve the problem only makes things worse. I think I'm doing better at just listening and hearing.
-Just held her without initiating sex? Did that this morning actually.
-When was the last time you bought her some little gift for no reason and didnt expect sex for it? I do that quite a bit actually - and I really never expect sex for anything that I do. After not getting any long enough, there's not much reason to expect it anymore.
Guess I'd better get back to work. Thanks for the suggestions.
