I think you have gotten excellent advice here. Don't worry about letting your frustration show here. That's what this is here for and believe me, all of the people that post here offer their unconditional support and kindness and it helps alot. Back to your problem. I think you are doing some great things in your r and do need to be patient and hang in there. Don't give up! How exactly do you know that your w truly understands how much you are hurting? It sounds like she is uncomfortable communicating with you by talking. Do you think that a letter from you might help? I think that some of the things that you have said in your posts are beautiful and show how much you love her. She just may want to see all that and have some time to digest it. You have clearly shown here that to you, sex is not all about getting your needs met but a way to show her how much you love and care about her. You might end your letter with asking her to write back to you. She may just be embarassed and uneasy about saying what she feels to you and by her writing it down she can take her time to write what she feels and won't be as uncomfortable about it. I know this worked for me. It really broke the ice in our communication gap. As for my h having to leave and have an affair before I opened my eyes, maybe I would have acted sooner if I truly thought that this might happen if I did not change my behavior but there is no way of knowing. I don't know whether or not you want to tell (or write) her that this has crossed your mind or not. Certainly DO NOT THREATEN. Maybe if she knows that this is a true consideration (as a last resort of yours due to your desperation and frustration) she may get the wake up call she needs. Anybody else have any thoughts on this route to take? Keep hanging in there.
Quote: I don't know whether or not you want to tell (or write) her that this has crossed your mind or not. Certainly DO NOT THREATEN. Maybe if she knows that this is a true consideration (as a last resort of yours due to your desperation and frustration) she may get the wake up call she needs. Anybody else have any thoughts on this route to take?
the only hole in doing so (and trust me I have taken that route..not as a threat but as a statement of possiblity) is that it may communicate what we don't intend...it may be interperted as a need for sex vs. a need to show love and affection.
I agree that I've gotten excellent advice here and I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I was surpised to get such nice comments from you, being a low-desire spouse, because I felt like I probably came across as a complete jerk. I'm glad however that you thought some of the things in my posts showed how much I love my wife - it makes me feel good that I can at least communicate that to someone. Now if I could only communicate it to her.
You asked how I know that she truly understands how much I'm hurting. I still don't know that she does actually, but if you'll look at the first page of this thread you'll see that I did write my wife a letter about a week ago. After finishing the letter I forgot to put away several pages of posts that I'd printed out to help me organize my thoughts - I left them sitting next to the computer. The next morning she read not only my letter but some of the posts as well. I don't know how many she read, but I'd think that in reading some of the things I've written that she probably has a much better idea of how badly I'm hurting. However, she may still not understand - I just don't know. My wife initially didn't seem overly upset that I'd been posting on a message board, but I've since gotten the impression that she is somewhat upset. She told me last night that she doesn't know anymore what's coming from me and what's coming from other people (on this post). While I admit taking advice from a lot of people on here, I've always stated (or written) only my own true feelings - never anyone else's.
I'd love it if my wife would write a letter back to me expressing her feelings and her views on how we can make things better. But I'd be really surpised if she would do that. I do know however that it would work a lot better than trying to communicate verbally. I hope that someday we'll be able to share our needs, hopes, dreams, etc. with each other verbally, but right now we're stuck in a communication rut and can't seem to dig out of it.
I'd never threaten my wife with having an affair, but I have let her know on a couple of occasions that I'm scared of feeling so undesirable that I could eventually give in to a strong enough temptation. I'm very much against having an affair, primarily due to the fact that my father had an affair and I've seen the consequences. And if I ever need any more motivation I just think of how it would affect me if my wife were to have an affair. I may be hurting badly now, but I can't even imagine how much worse it would hurt if she were to cheat on me. I have great admiration for the people on this message board who are trying to put their marriages back together after their spouse had an affair. I honestly don't think I could ever get over it.
Nonetheless, when I'm getting no affection from my wife I find myself nearly drooling over every somewhat attractive woman that I see. When things were good between us sexually, I can honestly say that I was nothing like this. It scares me! Fortunately I haven't been presented with a temptation that was too great to resist. I've certainly been tempted, but I've always been able to basically turn and run. I'm very thankful for that - I doubt my marriage would stand a chance if I'd ever given in.
I just previewed this post and realized how long it is. Sorry about that.
Sooner, I wish my h had thought like you do before his affair. You come across as sweet, not a jerk.
Maybe the fact that you did not intend for w to see the letter and she had to stumble across it hurt. Since it was not actually addressed to her maybe it was not as tender as it should have been. Maybe another crack at it would work.
I, on the other hand, have made a complete turn around. I was not able to do this with a year of therapy and medication but I did learn alot in this process. Then I found Michele's book and a similar one called "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page. With the help of these books I was finally able to take action and change myself (note the word "myself", you are the only one that you can change). My h totally responded to my behavior change. It was exactly like it was described in the books. I was astounded! I didn't actually think it would work. It definitly was the 180's that I did. I would force myself to act the opposite of what I would normally do. It didn't even take anything big (except the sex-that was big but I forced myself there too). It was a lot of little changes.
My h has moved back in and dropped the ow (after 3 years). We are having sex regularly and both enjoying it. I feel more sincere love than ever. This has surprised me because I used to think just like you, that I would never get over an affair. The road to hell and back during the past year has really toughened me up. It has matured me and taught me how to forgive and realize that everybody is human and makes mistakes. I can't say that finally having a happy marriage was worth it, but without all of this happening we would not be feeling as great as we are. I guess this proves that EVERY situation has a silver lining.
I hope my story has inspired you to keep up what you are doing and be patient.
You seem to be back to 1. She doesn't understand or 2. She doesn't care. I return to that place often.
It seems to me that my W (possible the same as yours) doesn't believe in trying. Things are supposed to be good without trying. So reading anything is out. Talking about things in any depth is out. Pretty much anything other than natural telepathy and mind reading is "forced" and therefore bad. I'm surprised she's even seeing a MC with me.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Quote: Things are supposed to be good without trying. So reading anything is out. Talking about things in any depth is out. Pretty much anything other than natural telepathy and mind reading is "forced" and therefore bad. I'm surprised she's even seeing a MC with me.
fred is it possible that your w is trying she just isn't trying YOUR way so your just not seeing it?? I suggested the five love languages..it may help you to see w trying in her own way. I know the concept of differing love languages has helped me to see that h is trying...even if it isn't my way he is trying...the more I appreciate his way..the more he is likely to start showing me in my way "physical touch".
LL, you are right. I know she actually is trying, just not in ways that make any sense to me. I'll add the Love Languages book to my list. For the time being however, I don't feel like reading anything related to our R since that contributes to my impatience and overwhelming desire to "fix" the R ASAP. I litterally have a stack of about 10 books by my bed lined up for reading. 1/2 are fiction and 1/2 are non ficition. I'm trying to stick to fiction for a while.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Your story does inspire me and I'm very happy that you and your husband are doing so well. I'm curious - would reading "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" be as beneficial if read by a high-desire spouse? If so, I'll add it to my list of books to read. Based on lostlove's comments I've added "The Five Love Languages" to my list as well, although like Fred I plan to hold off on the book reading for a while. Just as he stated, reading relationship books, especially good ones, fills me with a sense of hope that leads to an obsession with fixing everything right away. This obsession seems to actually makes things worse.
Fred, my wife is definitely on board with the natural telepathy and mind reading approach to solving problems in our relationship. I understand exactly where you're coming from on that one.
I've noticed that since my post yesterday MPT and jen381 have been conspicuously silent. I'm thinking that I either came across as such a jerk that they've decided not to waste their advice on me, or else they've both run off with their husbands for a romantic long weekend.
Quoting sooner1992: I've noticed that since my post yesterday MPT and jen381 have been conspicuously silent....or else they've both run off with their husbands for a romantic long weekend.
Sooner
I wish. Spring break. Kids home. Still have major work project to accomplish by Monday. Still procrastinating occasionally by reading posts, as you can see. Have thoughts. No time. (Developed bizarre writing style to cope.)
Hi Sooner: I've been following your posts but I don't think I ever saw any mention of counseling -- have you tried that? If only for yourself? If only with a DB Coach? Having experienced only a modicum of what you seem to be living with, I sympathize so much. From your descriptions, it sounds nearly hopeless, yet I'm loath ever to give up hope and you seem to be the same way. If I can think of ANYTHING that might help, I will be sure to pass it along (FWIW).
Have thoughts. No time. (Developed bizarre writing style to cope.)