Thank you for your comments. They weren't too abrasive - in fact I think they make a lot of sense. I don't have much time to respond right now, but I'll try to say more later.
I can certainly love my wife for who she is and I can accept her "as is". That's what I've done to this point and I know that I'll always love her no matter what happens. However, I'll be miserable. I've been trying to meet her needs as she's described them to me, and I plan to continue doing so. It hurts however that she doesn't care enough about me to do the same. I don't want to go through life feeling the way that I've felt for the past 5 years - is that selfish? I'll say more later.
Fred, thank you for your comments also. I appreciate the support and will try to say more later.
Accept W the way she is, even if she doesn't love me? Yes, I know she loves me because she tells me and stuff but I don't feel like she loves me. The brain can only override the heart for so long. And, talk is cheap.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
don't take my saying this as a woman who doesn't understand your plight...cause I sure do!!! I am the woman in a ssm...I am the one who want it...I am the one who gives h what he wants...is nice and waits patiently only to not get what I want..
I just want to know...in addition to ssm have you read the five love languages??? if your wives are not accepting the ssm book it may be because it's focus is on sex...the 5ll's book goes into more detail about how different people show and receive love differently it is not about sex but physical touch is one of the 5ll's it may be useful for you to read that book...understand it and then ask your w's to read it too.
Beware of "I'm the good guy. She's the bad guy" thinking. It will do nothing good for you or your relationship. And it probably isn't true. In every marriage there are actually two marriages...his marriage and her marriage. You might be quite surprised if you could see your marriage through your spouse's eyes. You might even wonder who it is she is married to! Please don't go down this path.
Earlier you mentioned that you get hostility when you bring the subject up. In other posts you have mentioned that you get defensive when she brings up stuff about you. You two have something in common. What would make you less defensive when she brings up stuff about you? Now do the same for her.
Is it possible she feels you're expecting sexual payment for your goodwill? Remember, it may not be how you think, but it may be how she interprets things. If so, that is a huge turnoff. Ledger books in marriages are generally not a good thing. But if they exist I'd put money on a lack of a match between his ledger book and her ledger book. And just think of the argument as they try to convince each other as to which is the right one!
As for misery, I do hope that the two of you can work something out, but the question you ultimately have to ask yourself is just how much are you willing to let the sex issue mess up your marriage and your life? You may think the only ball in the game is buried in concrete on her side of the court, but there is actually more than one ball in play.
Thank you all for your comments - they've been very enlightening. Lostlove, I haven't read The Five Love Languages although I've read a summary that someone posted on this website. I may read the entire book sometime, but right now I feel like reading more books about relationships is nothing more than an exercise in futility.
In the five weeks or so since I first posted on here I've learned so much, I've changed my thinking relative to several issues, and I honestly believe that I've made changes in myself for the better. Not to say that I don't have more improving left to do. But right now I'm feeling more lonely, more hopeless, and more miserable than I've ever felt. I'm starting to understand that there's nothing I can do to convince my wife to address the intimacy issues in our relationship. I had hoped that by truly understanding how much I'm hurting she would want to make everything better. But that isn't the case - she still seems to think that I should just "get over it". I feel like I'm completely alone.
It scares me that low-desire spouses often decide to address intimacy problems only when faced with a crisis, specifically when their spouse leaves or has an affair. But I have no desire to do either of those things, and as a result I'm scared to death of being lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. I'm already to the point where I have trouble concentrating on my work, or anything else for that matter. I get teary-eyed just driving down the road. I have trouble putting on a "happy face" when I'm playing with my girls, and I worry about how that might affect them.
I don't know what to do. I've honestly enjoyed doing more things for my wife to make her life easier - and I now accept those things as being my responsibility. But I'm almost afraid to do anything for her because, as MPT said, she may think I'm "expecting sexual payment for my goodwill". There seems to be a negative side to anything I could possibly do. I wish I could just give up, but doing so won't stop the hurt. I don't know if it's possible to just give up.
I appreciate everyone's support, but I realize that you can't continue coming up with solutions to my problems. Eventually there are no more solutions. Nonetheless I'll continue reading these posts, trying to sort things out in my own mind, and praying for a miracle.
sooner I do understand how you feel...believe me I do.. I understand your frustrations..I understand your sadness the emptiness..the helplessness etc...
perhaps you could get the book for your wife...it may help her to better understand the "issue". Not suggesting michelle hasn't done a great job with ssm...but ssm keeps it's focus on sex and that may seem like pressure to a low drive spouse..especially one who doesn't have a problem with it. the five love languages is more about how people feel loved and may help w to better understand herself and you in those areas.
I'm pretty sure that my wife would not agree to read The Five Love Languages. I don’t believe that she refuses to read The Sex-Starved Marriage because it focuses on sex, but rather because she's completely opposed to putting that level of effort into making our relationship better. Such an effort on her part might indicate that she feels partially responsible for our problems. Besides, what good would it do for her to understand what I need to feel loved when she doesn't seem to care if I feel loved or not. She seems to be perfectly content as long as I fulfill all of her needs, pretend to be happy, and keep my mouth shut about my own needs.
I realize that our problems are just as much my fault as hers (as I'm demonstrating in this post), but I've been working hard to try and better understand her needs and to become the husband that she wants me to be. And yes, I screw up – but at least I’m giving it my best effort. I’d give anything to be in her shoes. At least then I’d know that my spouse is in love with me, finds me attractive and sexy, and wants to be close to me. I have to live every day feeling that my wife finds me repulsive and that she’d be happier if I wasn’t even around. I’m not trying to trivialize the pain and confusion that low-desire spouses feel, but at least they seem to control their own destiny. If a low desire spouse is lucky enough to have someone that will remain faithful and love them unconditionally, they only need to decide that it’s time to make things better and they immediately get all the support they need. At least that’s how it seems when reading the posts on this message board.
I’m hurting and frustrated and I apologize that I’m letting my frustration show. Maybe it helps to see the jerk side of me that comes out when my wife and I get into an argument. That’s what I need to change most about myself. If nothing else maybe you low-desire spouses will set me straight and change my thinking on this issue.
since I am not a low desire spouse I can offer very little to change your attitude but I can tell you something...
Quote: I’d give anything to be in her shoes. At least then I’d know that my spouse is in love with me, finds me attractive and sexy, and wants to be close to me. I have to live every day feeling that my wife finds me repulsive and that she’d be happier if I wasn’t even around.
that is exactly how I used to think..funny thing is what was comming across to h is..I don't like you...youre not good enough...I hate you...etc....
perhaps you could just get the book...read it...have a better understanding of such things...you may even discover your other love languages and learn to focus on when those are being met...no it wont deplete the fact that you still want "sex" but it may help to ease the "suffering" it may help you to feel loved when you know what language the other is speaking.
read it for yourself..and leave it for w...if she chooses to read it fine if not fine..
Good point LL. That's exactly what my wife seems to hear, and I although I never mean to communicate to her that I don't like her, she's not good enough, etc., I can understand why she gets that feeling. It's ironic how you can love someone so much and want to be close to them so badly that you make them think the exact opposite with your tone of voice. I need to learn how to stop communicating those things and start communicating how I really feel - whether verbal or nonverbal. Thanks LL.
