Pregnant and abandoned #5

[ann25]

I blame the pregnancy for my lack of judgement and emotional mistakes all the time. Really, the fact that you can see what you are doing is really good.

You sound much better now than earlier.

YOU really can do this!!

[hope2wrkitout]

Thank God I don't have any money to loan or I might be tempted to do the same thing in your situation. I often find myself making H for dinner if he happens to be here and asks if can eat. If I am cooking for son I will also offer. On one hand I don't know how good it is for DB,but on the other hand it is not in my nature to cook and not offer or if someone says their hungry not make food. My point to is that even though H is acting nuts and has changed his behvavior it does not mean you have to totally change who you are. You still care and it is hard to cut that off. The best thing to do in the future is just say you need it for the baby. You won't come off as a B by doing that and it sounds reasonable.

[blindsided1]

Yes, it's hard for me NOT to act like his wife still. Just yesterday I referred to "our" bed and then quickly corrected myself. It kills me to think that he really doesn't love me anymore. Not the way he did. I don't even see how we got here. My pregnancy has made my emotional rollercoaster feel like the rollercoaster with the tallest peaks, biggest dips and they are way too plentiful. One minute I can feel great and think this is fine, I can do just fine without him and the other minute I'm begging God to bring him home. Just need to strap in for the ride, until I can't take anymore.

[fightingirish]

Blindsided1,

Just wanted to say how sorry i am for what you are going through. But you have gotten lots of good advice on here and lots of people care about you.

Don't give up hope.

tal

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey guys, it is really okay to help out your H's. unless it's something they do all the time (and they need to be feeling the consequences of their actions) and it's not going anywhere (meaning your not getting anything positive from it). My DB counselor told me to consider my H as a good friend... and to ask the question, would I do this for my friend. You usually don't tell your friends you love them, or kiss them, or give them extravagant gifts, or baby them. But you would cook them dinner if they asked, loan them a small amount of money, listen to their problems, etc.

So H2WIO, I think it's just fine for you to cook dinner and offer.

You don't want to be a jerk. that's sure not going to bring them back. you still want to show love and compassion. they had been hurting for who knows how long, and they still are. It's a huge struggle in their minds.. otherwise they would have had not problem Ding us, and going thru with it all quickly. instead, they are guilt-ridden, torn, confused, crazy, every emotion you can think of.

Oh, and about him not loving you in that way. That's not really the problem. people don't understand that Love is a choice. it's NOT a feeling. Love is about giving of yourself to another. The feeling that he has for this OW is not love. it's more an infatuation. eventually that initial feeling is going to dissipate and then he will have to decide, do I want to continue loving this person. You just never know when that time comes though.

You do sound better today, I'm very glad. And good job on distracting yourself when you had bad thoughts. Those things happen, it's totally normal. As long as you don't dwell on them and make yourself miserable over them, it's okay. Your going to have more good days coming up, and your bad days will get fewer.

[blindsided1]

It's hard to imagine the good days coming. I felt relatively good today, then I get a call from H. He's asking me if I really filed for separation. I did file and I have told him this before, but the person that has his copy to serve him has had some family issues and also been out of town. I just felt like he was attacking me and wanting to hate me for something else. It made me really upset because I couldn't figure out why he wants this so bad. It just turned into an argument that didn't have to happen. He asked me if we are separated for a long time does it just turn into a divorce. I took that to mean that he wanted a Divorce and I told him if that's what he wanted he would have to do that. It's not what I want and I'm not filing for divorce. I felt like he was just being soooo mean to me. Again, the feeling of hopelessness overwhelms me. I've been good to him and tried my hardest not to act needy and desperate and it's getting me nowhere. He called me back a couple hours later and I was more composed and made a big note on paper "remain calm, do not argue with him". I stuck to it. But, I wanted to make sure he understood that it was unnecessary to yell at me and be mean. He said that sometime I need to be yelled at because that's the only way he can get his point across. I told him that he gets the point across without yelling just fine. He apologized for being and a$$hole to me sometimes and I apologized for pushing his buttons sometimes. I asked him to please stop trying to hate me, that I didn't deserve it (I'm sure that sounded desperate). The mood lightened before we got off the phone. But, I don't feel any better. I just want the pain to go away. I just want to stop hurting. I need to distance myself from him, but I find it really hard to do. I want the reassurance that he cares and still loves me, but I'm not getting any of it. Needless to say, the second I got off the phone I called to make sure that those papers are served tomorrow. I'm trying to let go and give it to a higher power, just not being very successful at it. It still hurts too much.

[JennyF]

Hey Blindsided,
Sorry I've been a bit nuts the past couple days and haven't posted.
I know it hurts and I'm so sorry. Sorry your H is being such an A$$. Glad the papers will be served tomorrow.
After that is done, I'd tell him if wants more info he can get it himself.

He asked me if we are separated for a long time does it just turn into a divorce.

I mean come on! If he wants this bad enough he should be finding this out for himself. I know you had to file for separation to protect yourself. Now that it's done, I would not do or say another thing to him about it. Let him if he wants it.

I just found something I had cut and paste and I read it before my H came over to talk the other day. It really helped and I thought it might help you when you and your H get into these discussions.

Listening Reflectivley


While this method can seem awkward at first can be a very successful techniques for improving your relationships.

1...Remain silent while your partner is speaking. Do not interrupt. Let your partner speak for as long as they wish to. The more willingness you show to let them speak the more they will feel you are attempting to understand and that you value them and what they are saying to you. This encourages them to be open and honest with you.

2...Keep your body still and do not show impatience with what they are saying. You will convey impatience and disinterest if you fidget. (A really dumb thing to do here would be to look at your watch!!!) Body language is important,(while keeping your own body posture "open" at all times, aim to mirror the more open postures they display,they in turn may mimic yours as they begin to feel comfortable with you) if you fidget you could prevent the other person from revealing what's really on their mind and in their heart. (The heart or feeling connection you really must try to understand and empathise with.)

3...When your partner pauses it will generally signal that they are looking to see if you are really listening to them. Here all you need do is show acknowledgement that you are listening and attempting to understand them. Keep your comment brief..."uh huh'..."yes"..."mmmmnnnn"..."yes, go on". You don't need to offer sympathy and you really shouldn't criticise or judge..Just be a listening ear.

4/...Keep your eyes focused on your partner while they are talking..Looking at your partner and maintaining eye contact builds intimacy and rapport.(Although as they talk they will often look away and from time to time look back at you just to make your your still listening.) Not looking at them implies that you are not listening, not really interested. it can also imply that you disagree (blocking out that you do not wish to see) with what they are saying.If you don't maintain eye contact then you will find your partner not opening up to you.

5/...Now and again when the other person pauses for a response from you, briefly sum up what they have said in your own words..If you can try to describe the feelings they have made you aware of better than they have themselves. This will help them to more clearly identify their own feelings; this will lead to a sense of rapport and unity with you.

6/...Don't express evaluations or opinions regarding the persons stated attitudes or feelings. This is hard to do and requires a lot of self discipline and practice.Don't Judge!. Do not criticize. Can you offer sympathy you might ask? And the answer is no... just try to be objective. Any thing along the lines of an opinion or judgement(either positive or negative)may make the person wish they hadn't opened up to you. You may find the communication closing down if you do.

But why not show sympathy ?,

Well even sympathy is a type of judgement. It tells your partner that you have stopped listening and started to evaluate before the other has chance to state all their case. (You must let them work through things). It can cast doubt on your ability to remain objective even when you side with them.

7/...Let the other person open up to you in their own time frame. Don't push or pressure, if they seem to ramble or wander around with no particular logic then let them...DON'T try to muster and round up the conversation in the direction you think it should go.

Sounds like you're getting better at standing your ground, that's something I'm working hard on too.
I know you're still looking for hope in him. Because my H is so cold and distant right now it makes it easier to detach.

Anyway, I know this is more of the same old same old...but it will get easier with time. I can already see you getting better each day.

J~

[blindsided1]

I don't feel better each day. Last night really through me for a loop. I feel like it was a major setback. He started giving me a hard time because I lent him money yesterday without giving him grief about it or bitching at him. He wanted to know why when we were married I gave him a hard time whenever he asked for money, but when he asked now that we are separated, I don't give him a hard time. I just said that I am working on those issues he pointed out to me. I don't know if it was a good thing to tell him or not. Then he started in about how we are getting along so much better now that he's moved out. I told him that he didn't stick around to see things get better in our marriage, he left just as they started to turn around. Again, this was probably not the thing to say, not sure. But, I kept trying to remind myself not to make it about me. But, there were times when I couldn't help it. I was pissed off because he thinks I am this horrible person and I'm not. I told him that's how I feel. I told him that all he does is dwell on the negative, that I understand why he would do that because if he looked at me in a positive light then how could he justify what he's done to me. Ooooops. It just came out.
It's just really hard to see things start to get better. Not necessarily towards him coming home, but towards us being happier in each others presence and getting along and spending more time together. And, then this happens and it feels like I'm at square one or worse. As more time passes, I just feel him drifting out of our marriage, like it doesn't have the same importance it did when he first left. It doesn't affect him anymore. I'm just his past and it kills me. Today sucks.

[JennyF]

Hi blindsided,
Don't forget, this will get worse before they have a chance to get better. And it's not necessarily just about making your M/R better, it's about making you better. You have to start to see YOURSELF in this. You're your own entitity and the only one that you have any control over right now.

Try not to see every little thing as another nail in the coffin, but more a bump in the long road.

I think you did well. I don't think it's a bad thing to share how you're feeling, just try not to tell him that what he's feeling is wrong. That's the point of validating.

Sorry today sucks.
J~

[ann25]

I think you did well. I don't think it's a bad thing to share how you're feeling, just try not to tell him that what he's feeling is wrong. That's the point of validating.

I totally agree, well except maybe with the part about justifying his actions thing, but we all let things slip from time to time.

He's noticing the changes in you. he's seeing that you are working on yourself and he says you guys are getting along better... that's good. Until he has a chance to miss you, he won't see how much he wants you back. Right now, he has the best of both worlds, he has OW and her financial support and he has you and knows that you'll be there for him to hang out or whatever...

It's just really hard to see things start to get better. Not necessarily towards him coming home, but towards us being happier in each others presence and getting along and spending more time together.

small 2x4... maybe a 2x2... hehe. spending more time with him will only make you miss him more and him not miss you at all. He is sitting on the fence and you have to knock him back onto the side he chose until he chooses to come back. Right now, you are the OW in his new R. The more you distance yourself from him, the more he will miss the new improved and wonderful you... let him miss you.

And, then this happens and it feels like I'm at square one or worse. As more time passes, I just feel him drifting out of our marriage, like it doesn't have the same importance it did when he first left. It doesn't affect him anymore. I'm just his past and it kills me. Today sucks.

You are just right about him needing to be able to justify what he's done (just should say it to him ). If all your interactions are perfect and you guys always have a great time and there is never any issue then WTH is he doing with OW. He has to put a damper on things so he can say, "see, that's why i had to leave her"

Hang in there sweetie. Jenny is right, it's gonna probably get worse before it gets better. As are like an addiction. He's probably going to have to hit rock bottom before he'll be ready to climb his way back up to you. Make your focus about you being a better person and not about him. Hard yes, but YOU CAN DO IT