Thanks everyone for restoring most of my thread from memory. What I'd like to focus on and master: 1) Deactivating my buttons. There was a time I'd react angrily to her personal attacks but now I won't take it personally. 2) Validation and acknowlegement. Even if she insists the moon is made of blue cheese and I'm the most horrible man I will sincerely validate. I will thank and praise her at every opportunity.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
... she feels she has reached out to you, served you, etc...for 15 years and to what result?
Exactly! Says she was a slave ... was unhappy very day of the 15 years.
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Now the OM. For his this is dating, ...
If she's still meeting him its very secret ... the kids haven't seen him or heard her talking to him for a while now. She quotes other casual enablers though to justify herself. I don't go beyond what she tells me by herself.
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You have to stay calm at all times. Women want to talk, they want someone to hear there problems ...
Have to create opportunities to meet her now. I've been able to do it 3-4 times in the last month using the kids as pretext. But I've got to be very careful not to pursue in any way.
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Reason I tell you that story, is you think everything is hopeless ...
Exactly. I feel like my life and my kids futures are completely ruined emotionally and financially and I've been really beating myself up for not seeing this coming and doing something about it earlier. And I'm very afraid. Thanks Atlas.
Last edited by fb2; 12/21/0706:52 AM.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
As for getting a face 2 face, is there anything going on with the kids coming up? What are you all doing for the holidays? I think there are a lot of legitimate reasons to meet up and talk. It's just important to make sure it's a good reason otherwise it will seem like you are being clingy and just want to be around her.
Ann - there's the crisis with S7 repeating 1st grade and not doing as well as his teachers expect. They think he may have a learning disability and want to do some testing, etc. Also D11 was a straight A student last year but now is falling behind. W's amitious for the kids but not very objective about it all. So I've been using this as my reason for meeting. She keeps blaming the school, the teachers, me, etc. Since I have the kids Xmas week I'm taking them to TX for a family reunion (all my side). I wonder how she's going to feel. She will get a detailed trip report from D11.
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It is definately going to be a long bumpy road. Hang in there.
Apart from the emotional rollercoaster the legal/financial side is very scary. She's getting easy money and is enjoying her "freedom" but I'm feeling the pain. So as far as the legal process I'm torn between slowing things down and accelerating it.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
The good news for you is that I'm gonna ride out this rollercoaster with you. The even better news is that I think you're doing ok and you're gonna get the hang of all this DB stuff. At the end of it all you'll be fine.
Validating: You're doing ok, just don't go overboard or you'll come across as needy. It's still ok to voice your own opinions.
W Anger: This is gonna be constant, she'll pound and she'll hammer you for any little misdemeanour. Stay constant, stay focused and don't react. Its tough but believe me it works.
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She keeps blaming the school, the teachers, me, etc.
A good response could be "I know the teachers etc are failing, but what can we do to help the children". Then try and work on an action plan together with her, even let her think it's her idea.
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Apart from the emotional rollercoaster the legal/financial side is very scary. She's getting easy money and is enjoying her "freedom" but I'm feeling the pain.
I was in the same position so I went to the bank who were able to help me. If we D I'll get money to pay it back, If we reconcile I'll have some explaining to do.
Keep going buddy we're right with you.
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
She keeps blaming the school, the teachers, me, etc.
A good response could be "I know the teachers etc are failing, but what can we do to help the children". Then try and work on an action plan together with her, even let her think it's her idea.
this is great advice. A great way to validate and try to come up with a solution.
That is hard when the kids are struggling. How long has it been going on? It could have something to do with the emotional rift between mom and dad. Kids are amazingly receptive to their parents. Even my 3 year old will ask me why I'm sad sometimes. I'm trying to act normal, but it's like they can sense it.
Not sure what finances are like, but would it be possible to get them into some counseling? i went when i was little for a couple different things and while i don't remember most of it now (i was 5-7) my mom said that it made a huge difference in all aspects of my life, school, behavior, making friends. Just an idea. this would also be something you guys could get together and talk about if you think she'd be receptive to it.
Not sure what to tell you about the legal/financial side. I do know that i have an issue with women that walk away and still expect their LBS to pay for everything. Not sure if it is like that here, but sounds like it might be. Best i can come up with is figuring out a budget between the two of you, yet another reason to get together.
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
BEFORE you get kids into counseling....why not call Michele's office....her daughter is a child psychologist working with children of divorce.....and may have a lot of resources at her fingertips for children going through these things.
One of my best friends is a long time educator, and she says she hates to see kids get labelled LD so young. The advantage is if there is a problem, a diagnosis can help you get funding and resources. If you're not going to use those resources....those labels are often not true, and get kids 'labelled' or stuck.
Good luck.
You guys did a great job repiecing the posts.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
That is hard when the kids are struggling. How long has it been going on? It could have something to do with the emotional rift between mom and dad. Kids are amazingly receptive to their parents. Even my 3 year old will ask me why I'm sad sometimes. I'm trying to act normal, but it's like they can sense it.
There was a lot of arguing during the last couple of years. If I said "up" she'd say "down" ... lots of yelling sometimes too ...
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Not sure what to tell you about the legal/financial side. I do know that i have an issue with women that walk away and still expect their LBS to pay for everything.
Had to take a mortage of $300K to pay her off and monthly support of $1K plus she refuses to pay for the kids' school fees, etc. She has an "entitlement" mentality where I've got to be the "provider". She has a part (3/4) time job though. So I'm in the red as far as monthly cash flow while she is sitting pretty - globs of money going down the drain and this pisses me off but c'est la vie.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Lan, After W filed for divorce she tried to get me to leave the house by repeatedly hinting I go sleep in a neighbor's house, in the church rectory, share a room with her friend's brother, etc. I mulled over this for a few days and decided to stay put. I slept on the same side of our king bed as I'd always ... after a few weeks she started sleeping in the kids' room and then she was ordered out of the house by the court in June ... that upset her apple cart. When the court asked her about custody she insisted on 100% - when they asked me I said kids deserve both a mother and a father preferrably happy together - so they said 50-50 custody.
Sounds like King Solomons judgement, well done at least on this point.
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
Keep track of what your giving her as for money. Make copies of it all and keep the records.
I've been thinking about your sitch and how we can achieve some contact. So could you post up what type of contact is occuring, who is initiating it, how the contact goes, your perceptions of why, and is there follow up by either party.
What I'm thinking is depending on what you say, maybe some mystique is in order. Lets get her mind running a little bit. Don't lie or anything, but you don't have to answer her questions.
For instance at one point, my sister had bought a new car and was visiting, unintentionally after I sent S out the door with W, she didn't come in. She was curious as all could be. Caught her driving by, called the next day with some lame excuse, asked who was there last night, "Oh, just a friend." Drove her nuts, she started to contact more and more.
Even making a new guy friend to go fishing with or something. W can't stand that I don't tell her everything about new friends, even when they aren't women. She thinks it's my new wing man to go out and pick up girls. Drives her nuts.
Not that you want to stir up negative emotions, but maybe it can initiate some contact, if she seems frustrated about it you can say it is just a friend, I'm not dating or anything like that, I'm still married. Then just leave it at that. Gives her some reassurance but doesn't let her read the whole book of you.
