I took the stance a few weeks ago with H to try my best to give him what he needs (and hopefully find out what those things are), do the lion's share for now, offer forgiveness, space, freedom, and me putting coins in his bank. I screw up sometimes. But, he is talking more and more now. He WANTS to talk to me he said. He wants me to understand there has been a disconnect and he still doesn't think I get it. So he wants to talk some more tonight. I am going to try really hard to validate what he's saying and not react, defend, explain. Just understand where he has been and is.
I suggested Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, because he's talking now, and my phone coach recommended he and I read it. I then asked him if that annoys him for me to recommend a book. He said, "No, it's the least annoying thing you do." To which I laughed. He said, "One thing I wish you'd stop doing is recommending therapy, and not because I think therapy is bad, but because I want to hear what you're going to do different if we try to work things out NOW. I want to hear what YOU are going to do to fill my needs."
So, Chuck said it right. If you go, make it an opportunity to show your wife how serious you are about changing yourself. Ask the therapist in front of her, "What can I do to learn to love my wife the way she needs to be loved?" That might blow her away to make it about your shortcomings and not hers.
Good luck with your W. I say it's a good sign she's going to C with you. Make it the chance to show her how serious you are about hearing what she said she needs from you. No demands. And, of course, pray....
Me 41 H 47 D9 S3 M 16 yrs WAH Sep 07 PA Aug 07 12/07 Admitted A 1/08 C 1/15 H needs me 5/7/08 came home 7/08 We moved to MD 10/08 M bad again 11/24/08 fled to GA(OW),filed D 12/8/08 Back in MD 12/23/08 I countered 12/29/08 path back?
I suggested Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
I just read this book. I never had a desire to read it until my neighbor brought it to me. There's something about the title that always put me off. However I learned so much about the way I communicate and the way my wife communicates, I was just amazed. I would love for my wife to read this one.
Originally Posted By: Jen1967
Ask the therapist in front of her, "What can I do to learn to love my wife the way she needs to be loved?" That might blow her away to make it about your shortcomings and not hers.
I agree this may shock her. Especially since there's nothing in there implying that I want my W convinced of anything. I wonder though if she would just think that its more of the same pursuing and attempted persuasion from the past.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Ask the therapist in front of her, "What can I do to learn to love my wife the way she needs to be loved?" That might blow her away to make it about your shortcomings and not hers.
If you have not read The Five Love Languages (often abbreviated 5LL around here), go buy a copy and read it tonight. (It's a fast read!) You'll be glad you did!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
the one thing I learned from our mc is that a mc, at least most, will not continue to do mc while there is an active affair. as my friend (a therapist put it), if there is an active affair, there is no marriage to counsel.
that said, I think you should give it a shot. how our mc worked (my friend works this way, too, btw), is we saw him as a couple for a couple of sessions, then he saw us individually for a couple of sessions each, then we met back as a couple. it was after about 2 more couple sessions after our individual ones that our mc told us it was time for us to focus on ourselves individually, not as a couple. he'd be happy to work with us re: the kids and such, and my friend actually said couples coaching is a viable option (different than counseling), but while the affair was still active, it wasn't going to continue.
one good thing was that my h kept him as his IC. he never would have gone to see an IC if we hadn't started mc. so I suppose that is the positive that came out of it.
good luck!
Last edited by SallyM; 12/18/0710:04 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
rob1231, I would love to hear a little more about that book. Can you give me a little insight? Thanks!
Me 41 H 47 D9 S3 M 16 yrs WAH Sep 07 PA Aug 07 12/07 Admitted A 1/08 C 1/15 H needs me 5/7/08 came home 7/08 We moved to MD 10/08 M bad again 11/24/08 fled to GA(OW),filed D 12/8/08 Back in MD 12/23/08 I countered 12/29/08 path back?
rob1231, I would love to hear a little more about that book. Can you give me a little insight? Thanks!
I think 5LL should be Required Reading for anyone here. Basically, it tells that there are five different ways of giving and receiving love. Each person has their favorite - the one or maybe two ways that THEY want to be shown they are cared about. The problem is that we all tend to assume that the way WE want to be loved is the way that others want us to love THEM - and that is usually a mistake (because, hey, we've got something like a one-in-five chance of pairing up with someone with the same Love Language.)
For example, my primary LL is Touch. My W's primary LL is Acts of Service. So, maybe I'll try to show I love her by getting all cuddly - and she'll be thinking "He didn't pick up the house AGAIN and that makes me feel like doesn't even care about me."
The book is about learning to recognize those differences and how to "speak" the other person's LL - and how to communicate to them about the way to your own heart through your LL.
I and many others on the boards have found the simple insights in this book to be incredibly valuable. I hope you do too!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Wow. I have known about that basic concept and have wanted my H and I to delve into them at some point. I like the way that book seems to lay out the 5 different types. I'm an analytical type, so I like it laid out in categories. That sounds great. I appreciate you taking the time to type that all out. I will make it a point to get the book. Jen
Me 41 H 47 D9 S3 M 16 yrs WAH Sep 07 PA Aug 07 12/07 Admitted A 1/08 C 1/15 H needs me 5/7/08 came home 7/08 We moved to MD 10/08 M bad again 11/24/08 fled to GA(OW),filed D 12/8/08 Back in MD 12/23/08 I countered 12/29/08 path back?
For example, my primary LL is Touch. My W's primary LL is Acts of Service.
I think that my wife and I will be the same (will pick up the book tomorrow if I can find it). However, if I remember from your sitch, you thought your wife's primary LL was something other than acts of service and it wasn't until she read it that you were both able to determine her true LL.
Maybe the act of going to counseling will get my wife interested enough in our own sitch that she'll start looking into things like this as well - maybe I'll leave some of my books lying around... better yet, maybe our C will recommend some reading.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
I don't want to dissuade you from pursuing MC if you feel your W is truly being sincere in going to C. But I will say from my own experience that if she is still involved with OM then MC will most assuredly prove futile. My W agreed to go to MC with me right after the bomb, but I now know it was only a pretense to be able to say to others that "she tried everything" to save our M. But after four sessions she decided she had had enough (we were only just beginning to get to heart of the matter -- the infidelity) and changed her tune. She declared to our MC that she was done, that her mission was accomplished, which was only to help she and I communicate better as divorced parents. (MC and I are both to this day dumbfounded and disgusted.)
After nearly six months W is still clinging to her basic stance, that she will not change her mind and there is nothing I can say or do. She hasn't been back to any C, MC or IC since.
As long as the WAS is still embroiled in the A, they will have the OP continually stroking their ego, and the spouse will see no real reason to admit their faults in their M, and thus have no incentive to improve themselves or repair what is really wrong in their life. Instead, because there is "nothing at all wrong with them", they will conclude then that the fault must lay entirely with the LBS.
I am convinced that my W merely used the pretense of MC as a ploy to buy time and, more importantly, to have an excuse to plead before a judge.
