Separated and hating it.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi everyone,
I am feeling very discouraged today. The last few days have been awful. D8 has been very sick. She collapsed on me yesterday. Took her to Urgent Care. She has pneumonia and a low oxygen count. The doctor said we caught it in time. Another couple of days they probably would have hospitalized her. I am sick too, don't know what I have. No voice, sore throat and very tired.

I lost it with H yesterday. I know, definitely not dbing. He says he's concerned about D8, if he is, he certainly doesn't show it. We got into it big time, hurtful things said on both sides. No matter WHAT we argue about he always brings it back to what I did. I was feeling so depressed last night that I said that the only thing that would ever convince him how sorry I really was if I died. I am sick, discouraged and feel totally hopeless.

Jen, I will get that book but won't be going out for a while with D8 and I being so sick. My H says he is confused and not sure about anything. I don't understand it at all. Until I can get out would you mind sharing more from the book? It sounds really good.

Anyway, right now I feel like my M is pretty much over and that my H has just been messing me. I feel like a yoyo (yoyo), when he's here it seems like we will work and then he leaves and he's distant again.

Need some encouragement today.

[Jen1967]

If it helps, I'm in a similar spot as you, as far as when we separated, the fact that there's an OW, our general ages. Also lately it feels like he's messing with me/stringing me along. Acts nice when he's here, then detaches. The best way the book says to deal with him being in the cave and potentially shortening the time in the cave is the following:

1. Don't disapprove of his need for withdrawing.
2. Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.
5. Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that makes you happy.

Granted, this is for folks who live at home and aren't having an affair, but the info I'm sure still applies. They're just in a bigger, deeper cave right now. Also, I STRIVE to achieve these things, I am always making mistakes. But I'm getting better at it.

Interestingly, there was a sentence in there that really stood out for me: Knowing that she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave. Then it says anything to "distract" her or helps her feel good will be HELPFUL TO HIM. examples: reading books, listening to music, calling girlfriends, shopping, gardening, exercising, indulging in something, seeing a therapist, watching TV, praying, taking bubble bath, taking walks, etc.

I've noticed when H sees me doing things happily without him, he seems CURIOUS.....

Don't give up hope LuvMyHusband. I'll probably be less strong tomorrow and sound like you today and I'll need your help.

[LuvMyHusband]

np, I'll be here. yes, I agree, my H's tone is different when I seem happy. when I don't ask him questions about him or our R. pretty much when i leave him be. Seems like anything to do with reality he doesn't want to talk about. I also need to work on not being predictable. He tells me that all the time.

[LuvMyHusband]

I really could use some advice here. You know that my D8 has been sick and I have been too. So I am trying to make sure I don't react either bc I am anxious and scared or bc I just don't feel well.

Apparently my H has been away from his parents house for the last few days. When D8 wants to talk to him, if she can't reach him on the cell, she calls the grandparent's house. She was told he was at a seminar. Last night I had to call there (bc) of her, and MIL told me that she wasn't expecting him back until tomorrow.

H has never told me that he was going anywhere. In fact, he has made it seem like he was still there. He called yesterday afternoon for business and it was really noisy in the background, as if he was at an airport. I laughingly said "where are you? it's really noisy". He said he was at the mall and there were F18's flying over head. He said he was at home depot buying mortar for the fireplace he is tiling for his parents. Ok.

Well, after I got off the from MIL I realized that he hadn't been there for a couple of days. They obviously knew where he was but he sure hadn't told me anything. Additionally he would not answer his cell phone which really upset me as he knows how sick D8 is and it could have been anything.

It seems like he doesn't think I should know anything about him. He keeps me totally in the dark about his life and activities. I don't know why he does this but it does tend to make me feel as if he is doing things he shouldn't be and is hiding it. I don't know what he is doing, where he is or who he is with. I say that bc Thursday night he told D8 he was out with a friend. Yeah, what friend??

I am trying not to overreact and don't want to assume the worst but if it was innocent, why wouldn't he tell me? I know I have a tendency to assume the worst and be reactive. I have been working on those issues but could really use a different perspective. Also, what should I say to H? I am starting to feel further and further away from him. I also feel like he is "sending me a message" that he really does want out and has no feelings for me or even his kids for that matter. He never likes to be the bad guy so maybe he is waiting for me to file so that he doesn't have to. Sorry for the long post.