CVA - Moving On

[MissingMyHoney]

Let see where I could possibly spend an oustanding day in Sugarland, perhaps visit BJ's. There's always the Hooters, the Galleria isnt too far either.

[Puddle]

Hey CVA,

You don't have to tell your W clearly, "Don't go," or "You can't go," for her to have felt your disapproval, as Sunny points out. I know that for me, it's stressful to have my SO upset with me, even if he's being unfair. That part is *my* issue, and my guess is your W has hers as well.

You're in IC, right? Sounds like perfect therapy fodder.

Take care.

[ann25]

My husband would never tell me NO flat out, but he makes me feel guilty for wanting to do something or for the responsibility that he'll be left with because I'm out. it's like a subtle, hidden control, but it's still control.

An idea - This might sound odd, but if you ask some friends of yours, close to you, they might be able to tell you how you come off to her. Just ask them to be brutally honest. I know that my Hs friends could tell him (cause they've seen how he is and they've apologized for his behavior to me, sad really), but wouldn't just volunteer the info. he'd have to ask.

It could be something as simple as sarcasm or the tone of voice when you say something. other people tend to see a more unbiased view of how we behave.

good luck!! ann

[SunnySeason]

Hey Pally,

There are so many outstanding parts of you. Didn't mean to jump on one that might need work, only that I wanted to reply to your question while it was still a somewhat fresh topic.

Sounds like perfect therapy fodder.

Puddle's right, even if we never have a chance to try a new M with our S's, all this examination/feedback/work will pay off in our other R's to come, right?

((((CVA))))

[Not Much Left]

I get it, I guess I did all along, tone, volume, sarcasm, criticism, all of it. I have apologized, but it does not matter anymore. Too much for her....
Thanks all
C

[Not Much Left]

I get it, I guess I did all along, tone, volume, sarcasm, criticism, all of it. I have apologized, but it does not matter anymore. Too much for her....
Thanks all
C

[SirPrizeMe]

CVA, YES !

So, knowing how bad my W thinks she was controlled, I started thinking about it hard to understand my role. I sort of get it but then I dont. I never stopped her from doing anything, ever. Never said NO, said I wasnt happy about certain things and grumbled when she came home or the whole Dallas trips to her family thing was always an "issue" but I never said, "DONT GO, or YOUR NOT GOING". So please help me people, I dont want to be a controlling person, how can you guilt someone so bad that they feel abused? I swear, I dont really understand it???

I did this too! It is the silent killer of love.

Your W wanted your support. She needed the support of the most important person in her life, and if she got silent disapproval instead, well that was hurtful.

Ann, Puddle and Sunny are right!

Except! Ann wrote:

My husband would never tell me NO flat out, but he makes me feel guilty for wanting to do something ...

Ann, your husband can't make you feel that way! I agree that his behavior wasn't supportive of you, but you must own your feelings. . .

(there's plenty credit to go 'round on this issue)


Stay well everybody! Blessings to all!

[SirPrizeMe]

Responding to a post from yesterday...

Here is what I think as of this moment, which could change. If I disappeared, no calls, nothing, it wouldnt even dawn on her for at least a few days, then I might get a call, then it would just be "what a jerk for not calling / seeing the kids" but basically if I evaporated, no big deal. That "feeling" is still the hardest thing to stomach through all this. YOU DONT MATTER. YOU NEVER DID. AND YOU NEVER WILL. Ugh, that bites.

YES! I felt the same thing. YES!

It's so true -- W has this thing about me. It's like a tentative tolerance for my presence on the face of the earth. Like, "Well, cripes I guess he is the father of my children...I guess it's ok if he remains among the living..."

I share your pain brother!

But... you know what? It's not true at all. It's my poor attitude creeping up on me.

By thinking that, (My W doesn't care about me) I was catastrophizing. I was imagining the worst. It was a friggin pity party, and it was all for me! I felt this same thing, but then when I took some time, and then looked a little closer, I decided I was making it up. It was coming out of my bad attitude. It was weak and I am not weak.

2x4 alert: This kind of attitude is not helpful:

I just dont see it happening (our M ever working)so why would I bother?

Check the 'tude, dude!

You've got to believe it to see it! If you don't believe it, sure as heck you ain't gonna see it.

Mister, GET A LIFE. If you want to DB, you need to get cheery. NOW. Ridiculous as it sounds, at this stage of your life, when things look the worst, when you have been treated so unfairly, when everything you value is at risk, when no one would blame you for folding up your tent and going home,... ridiculous as it sounds, if you want to save your M, you need to get happy. REALLY HAPPY. Go buy some cologne. Go get some new clothes. Go have a good time. Go visit old friends. Resist the urge to talk about your troubles. To anyone. Accept no pity. Do volunteer work. Meet new people! Learn new things! Smile Smile Smile!

It worked for me! (I asked for the cologne that would get my wife back - the clerk and I enjoyed that rueful joke!) I am soooo much more pleasant when my attitude is positive. And actually my interactions with W are also much more pleasant. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. (at least that's the theory)

Do it! Get a LIFE! REALLY!

[Nomopo]

SirPrizeMe,

Those were two FAN-FARGING-TASTIC posts!!! Just awesome!

CVA (and everyone) pat close close close attention to those. Much to be learned there!

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Wow
Thanks SPM! Now there's an attitude check. Duly noted as they say.

C