Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

Background. Me 25. H 26. D 3 1/2. D 1 1/2. Married 5 yrs. Together 10 yrs. H said he wanted a divorce 5/07. EA (online by me) 6/07-9/07. H got jealous of a Friend of mine just after marriage, but it was nothing and I stopped talking to him. He thinks it was EA. It was not.

We started dating in HS. worked together, lived together after graduation. We were both each others firsts for almost all the big things in life. We moved from my home town 3 months before M and lived with his dad for 6 months. Moved in w/ friends for 6 months. Bought a home and have lived there since. Miscarried in 03. 1st D born in 04.

Our life has always been a bumpy road, but up until I got Pregnant with our 2nd D, there were always more good times than bad. We've always had a sitch where I handle the household chores (cooking cleaning laundry). I never really minded. After having the first baby, it got harder and we had some fights about how he didn't help me with anything, but so long as the house was clean and dinner was cooked, he was happy, or seemed it anyways.

About half way through the Pregnancy (w/ D2) H started withdrawing from me and just being less friendly. I figured it was stress from having another baby and his job. I would ask him about it and he'd just tell me there is a lot going on. He stopped telling me things. He stopped asking how my day at work was. Nothing big, just little things. I didn't give the little things the credit they deserve thought because as one by one the little things we shared disappeared, so did our R.

After she was born, It got even worse. What had been at least a friendship turned into anger and yelling and resentment. He rarely talked to me and when he did, it was cause I did something wrong. Didn't much matter what, but i couldn't do anything right. (still can't) I would cry and tell him he hurt my feelings, but I never really made him see how I felt. He knew exactly what to say to get me. he'd comment on what I was eating cause he knows that I'm sensitive about my weight or he'd make a comment about me not watching the girls well enough cause he knows that being a good mom is my #1 concern. I would stop talking to him for fear of what he would say. He thought I was having an A w/ a guy at my work. I was not, but there was no convincing him of this. I deleted my myspace account because I had this guy on there as a friend (along with 10 others from my work). I stopped talking to him at work unless unavoidable and lost a good friend, but I didn't want my H to worry.

Somewhere between when my D2 was 3-6 months, i realized that i just wasn't in love with my H anymore. I think it slowly happened. I realized i didn't even like him anymore. I couldn't tell him. I kinda hid my head in the sand. I kept thinking that if I could just do more for him or make him feel more secure, that it would all go back to how it was.

Earlier this year, we were fighting and my feelings came out. In reading some posts, I know that the ILYBINILWY gets used for lots of different reasons, but I just wanted him to know. i wasn't running away or leaving, i just wanted it all to go back to the way it was. We talked a lot over a few weeks about what we wanted and what we were going to do. We both acknowleged that we were unhappy. I told him that I wanted to work on our marriage, but I was scared and hurting and needed my old H back. He asked if i was 100% sure we could fix this and make it work. I should have said yes, but I didn't. At the time, I couldn't. I was so confused and scared that I told him I'd try as hard as I could, but I couldn't promise I'd fall back in love with him. In April he told me if I wasn't 100% sure, that he wanted a divorce. At first, i was devistated. Then I accepted it. I just figured he probably wanted out too and this was an easy way.

The Divorce talks slowed. We never got into details and nothing ever happened. He was sleeping in his office most nights (home office). We would occassionally have sex. It was a needs being met thing, not an emotional thing. I just kinda assumed we'd deal with it eventually. Things got a little calmer, i think because neither one of us cared. He claimed to still be in love with me and not want to lose me, but he couldn't handle anything less than me being 100% sure and I wasn't. I'm still not.

For the last 2 years, i've had a penpal in the Army, stationed in iraq. I send care packages once a month and a letter. In June of this year, my current soldier went home and they gave me a new one. Due to his position, he was able to talk online and we began exchangin emails and talking. He told me about his kids and life at home and I told him about my family. Over about a month, we were much closer than we ever should have been. I was hiding him from my husband cause I knew i was wrong, but he was so sweet and nice and he loved me. Yeah sure. Slowly, he bacame obsessed with me and I palyed along with him because it made me feel better. To have someone want me and say nice things about me. In the end of Aug. my husband said he wanted to try to make me fall in love with him again. I said ok. He did try and though I could tell it was forced, it was nice to hear. I was trying to find a way to end things with the OM, but he was obsessed and seemed kinda unstable. I was worried, so I didn't. 1st part of Sept, my husband found my emails. We sat together in front of the computer and read some emails, looked at pictures (bad pics) and sat in silence. He said that I needed to make a choice. That was easy. I wanted my M. I deleted the account, I changed my cell # and got rid of everything he had sent me (cards/letters). We made an appt with a MC and we both started trying.

Marriage counseling was a bust. He wouldn't say how he was feeling about the EA and all we ever talked about is how unhappy i had been. I'd ask him to talk, but then we'd sit there and he'd say he understands why i did it and we are moving on. We went until about 3 weeks ago.

He can't understand how I can not think about OM. I don't. I never really loved him, i loved the attention. OM helped me not breakdown when I felt like my H didn't want me. It was easier to go to him than face my life. It was an escape. H doesn't understand why I can get over it. I tell him because i have to. I can't dwell on it. I messed up. No matter what he did i shouldn't have gone there and I did. My mistake. I've forgiven myself for it. The only time I think about it is when H brings it up.

My other problem, My attraction to my husband has gone from being attracted, to not being attracted, to "yuck, don't touch me" over the last year. It pretty much coincides with the being in love thing, but I can't tell him. I make up excuses as to why i don't want to have sex. I don't feel well, the pregnancy has killed my sex drive (which has always been pretty high) or something else. I feel bad saying that, but I can't tell him that I'm not attracted to him. It would break his heart. I've done enough of that.

There is probably more, but I feel like I've been writing forever - any advice, help, guidance - thank you.

[WAWed]

Hi, reading Divorce Remedy is best place to start if you haven't already. On sex side of things Michele has another excellent book called the Sex starved marriage, which has lots of help in indentifying why sex drives drop and practical solutions.

[ann25]

thank you. do you know, can i get the books at book stores or only from the site?

[mhuschka]

Wow. That does sound familiar...

I guess I really can't help you cause I am in the sam situation and I don't know what the heck i'm doing. The one thing it does look like is that you let him walk all over you. i do that too. I got some good advice this morning to stand up and command respect.

I know that you can't hide from this. You at least have to change what you can about you.

One thing I've been doing is reading alot about other men and women that have WASs. Both sides of the story. Maybe you can get a little insight into your H and maybe you can get some advice from others that are/were WASs.

(((( hugs )))))

take care!

[micoms]

I found DB in the book store, they said DR wasn't available anymore. I found the both and others on amazon, I bought used books for about $5 each plus shipping.

[SirPrizeMe]

The book I bought on amazon was Divorce Remedy (click that link)

[SirPrizeMe]

It pretty much coincides with the being in love thing, but I can't tell him. I make up excuses as to why i don't want to have sex. I don't feel well, the pregnancy has killed my sex drive (which has always been pretty high) or something else. I feel bad saying that, but I can't tell him that I'm not attracted to him. It would break his heart. I've done enough of that.

I don't know much, but one thing I DO know is that honesty is required for a solid relationship.

Don't make up excuses. Be impeccable with your word. Be honest. Say what you mean and mean it when you say it.

This will be really hard, but it's necessary. It doesn't mean, though, that you have to do it with a hard heart or an intent to hurt him.

Can you say something like "I really feel like we need to take it more slowly. I want to get my head and heart on track. I feel like the physical act of love is not what we need right now." ?

Can you say it gently? And can you find some other way to show your good intentions?

Hiding feelings or not sharing openly - that does not seem like a path toward a stronger marriage.

Of course you have to be careful, when being honest. You have to be careful of the other's feelings. Pick the right time. Say it gently. But honesty seems essential.

[ann25]

I'll stop by the book store tonight and if they don't have it I'll order online. thanks!

Sir - Thanks. I know I need to tell him. It's hurting both of us. Right now if he asks me, i kinda just dodge the question. For instance last night (i really did feel bad) and when he asked If I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore I told him that I have always enjoyed sex with him, but sometimes lately I just haven't felt up to it. I hate doing that I just know that he has self esteem issues and I really don't want to hurt him. I know I'm hurting US tho by hiding my feelings. I think the things you said in your post were great. I'll try to use those and soon. I have to find the right time.

[ann25]

I've seen a lot of people just journal feelings and thoughts here, so I'm going to also - There are sooo many.

I feel like I have to work overtime to make up for what I did. I regret it and I hate that I did it, but at this point I can't take it back.

Last night a friend of my H stayed overnight. Makes for a odd dynamic. He and I get along really well, so when he's there my H kinda just sits back. H was quiet all evening and I asked him what was wrong. He says nothing. Over and over again he says nothing. I ask him to come into the other room and he wants to know why I don't like coming home to him. I told him that things aren't where they were when we started, but It's better than it was about 6 months ago. We also have 2 kids now and a house and we both work full time. He watched "I love lucy" - That show drives me crazy. H says "they are always so excited to see each other at the end of the day" I told him that's TV. We've never been like that.

I don't know what he wants from me. I try to be positive and point out how things are better than they were, but he always comes back with the negative. Sometimes it feels like he just wants me to be the bad guy and say it's not going to get any better.

He tells me that everytime we are apart he thinks the next time I see him I'm going to tell him that it's over. That I'm just waiting for the right time to end it. I could have done that by now if that was what I wanted. I try to tell him that. I've explained it over and over, but he just doesn't get it or doesn't listen. I'm not sure anymore.

It's like everything he does drives me crazy. I'm annoyed by little things. His need for praise for every little thing he does. He actually picked up my Ds room yesterday. I did notice and tell him how nice it was and thanked him. but he keeps bringing it up. How long it took. What all he did. I'd love to tell him "I know, I do it all the time" but I don't.

Ok. I'm done complaining now - hehe.

[ann25]

I wanted to talk to him last night about how I was feeling and be really honest with him (as gently as possible) about everything. But, of course, something always comes up. That's the way things go i guess.

My H is a wiz on computers and my sister just moved into a new apt. so we went over to see it and help her set up her new computer. Then it's get home late, cook dinner, get the girls into the bath and to bed. Then I sat with him on the couch and we watched some tv.

He kept doing all these little things that he knows drive me crazy. I kept asking him to stop and eventually got up and sat on the other couch. Then I was frustrated and mad and knew that wasn't the way to approach the conversation. So I put it off.

So we go to bed. No playing sick, no acting especially tired, nothing. If he wanted to talk about it, I would be honest. Nothing. A kiss goodnight, like every night, but no groping and touching. I was relieved. Then the baby was crying and I went to help her, then she woke up my other D and it took me about 30 min to get back to bed. I laid down, said good night and closed my eyes. About 10 min later, he says "don't worry, I'm not going to try to touch you or anything tonight. Just go to sleep" How do I even respond to that? I told him that I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but we could talk about it tonight. That I love him and good night.

This morning he tells me "i miss you" and I asked him what, cause he said it kinda quietly and he said "i said, I'll miss you today". to me, those are 2 very different statements. I just told him I love him, I'd call him later and that I hope he has a good day.

I don't know what to say to him anymore.