How to explain a boundary

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Casey
Hang in there. Even if he is under a doctor's care and he is fighting battles there you are correct in protecting yourself and your child.

Wish you the best.

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) casey, that has to be so hard.

and very, very strange about the waxing conversation. I can't even imagine! okay, yes, I can, h has said thing that are similarly inappropriate, and strangely enough believes they are fine.

take care of you.

[LooseThread]

What about his stuff that is at the house? I want it gone but I dont' want him to come around unless I am ready because:

1. I only want him to take the things that are definitely his (eg his pushbike and boxes of papers and things) There are plenty of other things that he is entitled to take but I don't want him to take the computer, for example, without discussion about what I can do to make do until I get a replacement (or set up my work computer to be able to utilise our home broadband instead of logging into work and accessing the internet that way)
2. I want to get a friend to be there with me to calm things down
3. I want to make sure d isn't there
4. As much as it is his house too, it is my home at the moment. I don't have anywhere else to retreat to. I have been threatened by him in my own home already. I have no desire to repeat the process. I want to feel safe and secure where I live. At the moment, I don't feel that because he has full access. I have checked with the police and he has every right to come and go as he pleases.

I want to move on and start living my life. Having his stuff around makes it a bit hard. I have nowhere else to put his stuff at the moment. The shed is full (I emptied storage out months ago because it was costing me $200/mth and transferred all the stuff in storage to the garden shed or threw it out.

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^bump^

[NikB]

Hey Casey,

Sorry for the delayed reply! That makes sense on how he found out. I was hoping it wasn't some type of "hint" that you had dropped or something like that.

I don't blame you at all for not going to the dinners! How irritating that he's accusing you of stuff you didn't say too.

Wow, that call really ws all over the place. I think you may need to come up with some type of a response that stops the conversation entirely when he's jumping around like that. Or when he changes the subject stop him and redirect it back to the prior one. Might help to not argue on stuff that doesn't really matter, too. For example on the "ex" comment, who really cares? He moved out, he gets no say in what you do (same as you can't control him..). So maybe you can say something like "I don't think that's relevant to the Christmas plans..." and get back on track.

About his stuff: that's a tough one. Are you ready to file for sep or D? That may be your only option to be able to change the locks?? Have you talked to an attorney?

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Thanks for your reply NikB

I'm not ready to go down the divorce path yet. I want to make sure I am in a calm and at least partially healed state before I make that decision, even though at the moment, I do not want to be married to him.

In Oz, you have to be separated for one year and one day before you can get a divorce. there's no such thing as 'filing' for separation here (as far as I am aware). If we could agree (hey...if we could even at least discuss!) on things like child care and property settlement then we wouldn't have to go to mediation but that's not looking likely and frankly I'd like to have a third party present.

I haven't got a lawyer. I hate dishing out money (I know I know, I might just have to) and I got burned earlier in the year when I got charged $165 for a 20minute phone call. I don't know how to find a good lawyer that doesn't cost the earth and I earn too much to qualify for legal aid. I just need to gird my loins (?) and start asking around for referrals.

At this point, the only way I could change the locks is to take out an VRO on him (violence restraining order) and apart from last weekend which got dealt with, he hasn't been violent. I feel threatened by him but I think I'm just being paranoid and melodramatic.

Back to the phone call stuff. I react too easily to him and I am easily distracted myself. So I will need to train myself to stick to a topic until something concrete has been decided. I like the "I don't think that's relevant to [previous topic]. Can we finish discussing [previous topic]"

Or even just "Can we finish discussing [previous topic] please?"

It just occurred to me however, that I think that what I do a lot of the time is to change the subject because the subject is getting too emotionally close to home for me and I might have to 'divulge' my feelings that I am angry or scared or irritated or disgusted or uncomfortable with what we were talking about. I don't like to tell him how I really feel because I'm scared of his reaction. I don't want to be the bad person. Therefore I end up not saying anything at all, or sounding frustratingly wishy-washy which drives him nuts. I just wish I could find some cojones and say what I feel (though of course, that presupposes that I actually KNOW what it is I am feeling! - But that's my problem that I need to work on).


[whoops....MIL rang, got distracted]

I told her yesterday what had happened and she was ringing me to say she'd spoken with her husband (my h's dad). h's dad seems to be of the opinion that my h needs to be confronted with his behaviour, but my MIL is worried that by doing that, it will set h off again. I personally don't think that it would get that volatile - at that point. It would blow up sometime later when I wasn't expecting it.

But anyways...I need to go get ready for work. Thanks again Nik for your time, it's good to know people want to help.

[WCW]

If phone calls are something that triggers bad responses from you then don't take his phone calls. Sounds simple right? NOT.

You never did explain - CaseyMooCow? how'd you get that?

[mkultra]

OMG what is going to happen? I agree with your MIL. Just last week my mom and bro did that whole intervention with my H and he actually had to defend his affair to them. That just makes it worse. They did not know about the no R talk and no affair talk because it just makes the WS have to put into words why they prefer the OP to the spouse. So he did that!!

And hearing it from his own family does not help either because the WS will just bring out the laundry list of why they blame the LBS. I am sorry but those confrontations and interventions are not even handled well when Dr. Phil does it. Your H will just feel awful and he needs to feel protected like you are on his side. But he is such an ass. He is volatile and you need to stay away from him. The family can put pressure on him in other ways. If he is anything like my H, he may become more abusive to justify his guilt. You know, make you a bitch so he can leave you more easily. Just do not take the bait when he says those crude things like about the bikini wax. My H used to stare at me in the shower too even after he was having an affair!!! I thought , "Why is he staring at me/" When before it used to be just nothing and he made it all nasty.

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Thanks Mk...I'm flattered that you came over and checked my thread out. I have been reading yours, SallyM, and Nephs almost addictively because there are various similarities in things between us.

I'm wondering if I actually need to have the "I am done" talk with him face to face just to make sure. Im not so much angry at him any more but indifferent. Isn't that the opposite to love?

Urgh....I have so many thoughts going round my head I don't know where to start.

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Casey
Your safety is paramont. If you do the talk do it where he cannot cause you grief.

I know when I was younger I had a pickup and was sought out but women who wanted to dump violent boyfriends and wanted to move. So I would scare their boyfriend and help them move then get dumped. No worries. Maybe you need to find a guy with big arms and a pickup.