Ditto. I don't recall you saying how old you are but I just turned 40 with nary a bithday lay. Got a peck, a pat and several ILY's but he "didn't feel good." Last time? February. Do you want that to be you? Being incompatible doesn't make you or her a bad person. Kiss her good-bye and wish her health, wealth and happiness.
You didn't hear a thing that anyone told you. Your engaged to be married, at this point in your relationship there is no compromise when it comes to sex. Compromise is what MARRIED people do "BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO". YOUR NOT MARRIED!!!!
Your HD, she is LD. Think about how bad your incompatibility is now, and multiply that by 100x and that is where you will be in 5 years. If you marry this woman, not only will you make yourself miserable for the rest of yor life, YOU WILL MAKE HER MISERABLE FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!
GET OUT NOW!!! Love without DESIRE is worthless. It takes DESIRE to hold people together, and SHE HAS NONE!
Don't look back and see your marriage day as the BIGGEST mistake of your life!!! Your chances of a successfull marriage to this woman are 0%.
Look, okay.... sorry... I don't want to laugh at your pain or concern... but honey... what you are saying is akin to a small child saying that the adults can't see him because the kid has his eyes closed. And we all smile at the child, because from his POV, if he can't see others, they must not be able to see him.
It's a very simplistic view of the world, and you want her to see things YOUR way. That is what we are all trying to tell you. You can't change her, and no amount of support, understanding, terms and conditions and counseling is going to change that.
You are still trying to change her, still trying to get her to see... you made a flippin' counseling appointment for her. You are STILL DOING for her. THAT'S the problem.
Quote:
I'm not ready to give up on almost 3 years without a fight.
Honey, that is all you HAVE been doing for the last two years, at least. We are all telling you to STOP fighting, or your R has NO CHANCE IN HE!! of making it. None.
THIS is what we are all trying to tell you. Tell her your values (done). Call off the wedding (done) Stop initiating. Start living your life as though she were not in it. Be nice, be pleasant. READ No More Mr. Nice Guy and DO THE FLIPPIN EXERCISES.
If SHE wants to make a counseling appointment and have you come with her, fine, go if you want to. Otherwise, see what this girl is made of... see IF she can actually step up to the plate. You'll learn a lot about her.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but marriage is not about 'love.' Love has nothing to do with it. It's nice... but... marriage is about respect, respect, respect, trust, honesty (and communicating that), boundaries, and your ability to RESOLVE ISSUES. And in order to do that, BOTH people must be able and willing to stand on their own two feet and BRING IT.
Period. When you do all that really well... you have great sex.
When you don't do all the above... your sex life sucks.
Your emotions are getting in your way. I'm not saying you have to be emotionLESS, but you have to be able to do what is best for yourself, your woman, and your R BEFORE you get to indulge your emotions. If you can't learn how to do this, you are going to raise some seriously monsterous children.
Now. From someone who has experienced sexual abuse in my own life, I can tell you, that is a big mountain for her to climb. Just is. It sucks for her, it really does. But if she is not willing to face her demons on it, I can PROMISE YOU, there is not one flippin' thing on this planet you 'fight' to help her through it. She was a victim. She is in 'victim' mode, and you are suffering right along with her. She doesn't realize it, but that IS what is happening. BTDT, kiddo.
We are trying to help you, believe it or not. I know we sound harsh, but we all know how incredibly difficult it is when you are with the person, and not just typing words on a screen.
Buddy, you have GOT to drop the dam rope with her. If she isn't willing to swim on her own, she will pull you down with her. I'm so sorry that is the black and white of it.
Hairdog: Did you steal my Pointy Witch Shoes??!!
IC: My lower lip trembles that I didn't make your list. sniffle
I'm going to tell you something from personal experience from the OTHER side of the fence (your fiance's side). I rec'd an email from my H telling me he didn't know how much longer he could 'live like this,' wasn't happy, etc., etc. I took it seriously to an extent, but never imagined that D was an option (or not even getting married in your case). I may have changed for awhile, but not long.
Until you make it perfectly clear that you are absolutely serious about this, she is not going to have any reason to change. From your posts, I don't take you seriously (and I don't mean that in a mean way), however, I cannot imagine she does.
The fact that she would not even have sex w/ you after you talked to her about it speaks VOLUMES!!!! (I at least went home & had S w/ him at lunch time after I got his email!!!)
I understand you love her, but unless you want to live this way for the rest of your life, you need to get out of the relationship prior to marriage. It does not sound to me like she has any desire to change and, she may love you very much, but like everyone else keeps saying you 2 are just not compatible.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 11/15/0709:11 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
IC: My lower lip trembles that I didn't make your list. sniffle
Ahhh now I feel bad You're for sure on my list, it's just that Hairdog got me all flustered with that drunk, sexy, rich, nympho story and GGB was poking me in the ribs as I was trying to address the class. I might have to ask the teacher for another seat...these two are becoming a bad influence on me. When I first came here, I was a nice, quiet, & sweet man...now look at me
Let's look at the simple fact that you are on a DIVORCE BUSTING message board BEFORE you are even married!
uhm...Red flag.
I do feel for you though. I probably had some of the same feelings you did before I got M (12 years ago and 2 kids later) but at least you are not in total denial like I was that things would be fine. You are HERE so you know there is big trouble ahead. Don't second guess yourself..your gut. You know the answer.
People's sex drive is not something you can easily change. In fact, almost impossible. Can you accept her for who she is?
Alright, I'm listening to you all, its hard when you are in love though, you don't see things clearly. So is everyone saying to me that if two people don't start out sexually compatable, it can't be improved upon? I want it, she doesn't, and thats that? The therapy/books is pointless, she won't change at all? So the goal would be to start over, and find someone that wants it as much as I do or near to it. To answer a few questions: We are both 25, and she gets along very well with my friends. She doesn't have any friends up here really and her family is in another state, so that is hard on her.
My H and I were 25 when we M and we both got along with each other's friends just great. Doesn't tell you much. Sex drive is often just biological. You can WORK at it til the cows come home but I'm more and more convinced it is not something that usually improves with just more effort. It's either there or it isn't. Sorry, but look at all the cases on this board that have not made much of an improvement after YEARS of trying. And we LOVE our spouse. That is not the issue. It's just very complicated. Sorry.
You're for sure on my list, it's just that Hairdog got me all flustered with that drunk, sexy, rich, nympho story and GGB was poking me in the ribs as I was trying to address the class. I might have to ask the teacher for another seat...these two are becoming a bad influence on me. When I first came here, I was a nice, quiet, & sweet man...now look at me 
but at least you are not in total denial like I was that things would be fine. You are HERE so you know there is big trouble ahead. Don't second guess yourself..your gut. You know the answer.