NOP, I feel that my H deifitely had issues with pride, image and entitlement. They are still there, but he has been able to show me time and again that he is working on this. That is a good thing.
I want to ask you a question, which may seen facetious or sarcastic, but I am serious ( I know you know that, but others may not). If these people are so image conscious, why do they have an affair with someone who is, let's shall we say, image-challenged?
Quote: --------------------------------- If these people are so image conscious, why do they have an affair with someone who is, let's shall we say, image-challenged? ---------------------------------
That is often true, and the answer is simple, it makes the image conscious person feel better about themselves at the expense of the paramour. Affairs are all about the individuals having them, not about the newly formed pair. That also speaks volumes about the maturity level of most newly started affairs. It is fairly rare to see an equally matched pair of infidels.
For a woman with an ugly guy, the woman feels superior, and the guy gets bragging rights, having landed "a babe". For the reverse, the guy gets an emotional need met that was missing at home, and the woman gets a hunk. That is overly simplistic, but you get the general idea.
Also, infidels often choose partners that are the polar opposite of the spouse or long term partner.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Okay, I get that...it's all about how the OP makes him/her feel...it's all about feelings...there's no real capacity to see the bigger picture when you're caught up in that kind of fix.
Here is an excellent book to read to understand the "Anatomy" of an Affair, the types of affairs, the prognosis for the marriage etc... Private Lies by Frank Pittman. I learned so much from this book. I haven't had an affair nor had a husband who has (to my knowledge) but half of all marriages have this happen, it happened to my parents, countless friends and I wanted to understand it better.
I bought that book and gave it to the wayward Mrs. Choc. about two months ago, at NOP's suggestion. It's a brutally painful -- yet absolutely needed -- read, and my wife gave up on it when she got to the painful parts.
Hey Choc, I just about cried when I read the start of this thread. Maybe cuz I have been out of touch here for a while and don't remember all of the details of yor sitch, but also cuz so many details sounded like my WAW walking back home.
Then, the I read the rest of the thread. You are in good hands with NOP, and he won't steer you wrong. he will be the first to tell you, at this point , that you must do what you think is best for YOU. The glimmer of hope you saw at the start of this thread might be real, but without NC as an everday reality, healing is a long way off. An NC letter is one thing, but my WAW ended up pawning it off as my concoction. No contact is more than a letter, and many people are not so formal as to give a letter any more credence than an ATM receipt.
I am hopeful for you and your M, but I am also happy to see that you realize that you are much more than your M. You are an asset to every person here, and have brought many smiles to my face when I was crying.
BTW, my wife couldn't read any painful stuff either, and after every cheatin' part of every cheatin' movie now, she looks at me and tells me how sorry she is for what she did, and how happy she is that she made the "right" decision.
Don't give up until you feel it in your gut, despite what NOP may say. He wil give you an out as soon as you have done all of the things that genuine and decent self respecting people should do. Some people are slow, and stupid, and self-absorbed, and may need just another minute or two to reach clarity. Give it, but only if you are able, and only if it does not cost you your self respect.
I wish you luck, and send you all of the strength that I found here.
Thanks for your thoughtful and heartfelt post, and your encouragement. Last nite was a tough night for me, for some reason, as I cried my eyes out several times for the first time in months. I think I'm beginning to mourn the end of my marriage.
I also felt overwhelmed with grief and disappointment over squandering the gifts that God has given me in my life, and -- even though I felt His love and forgiveness, as I always do -- I also had this sense of how sad and disappointed He must be in us.
We have totally pulled away from each other now, I think in preparation for the end. Our meeting with the family law court judge happens on January 9th, and at that point we'll have to decide if we're continuing with the divorce action, asking for another stay, or withdrawing the action. Withdrawing it is not even a realistic possibility anymore, and another stay would only delay me getting on with the rest of my life.
I also felt overwhelmed with grief and disappointment over squandering the gifts that God has given me in my life, and -- even though I felt His love and forgiveness, as I always do -- I also had this sense of how sad and disappointed He must be in us.
[[[[choc]]]]
I'd like to share with you some of my theology. God is infinite love. Infinite means "infinite." It doesn't mean going this far and no farther. It doesn't mean as far as the eye can see or as far as I can imagine. It means NO end.
What we do or don't do does not hurt God in any way. If we could hurt God, then God would not be infinite, God would be finite. God has NOTHING but INFINITE love for you AND mrs choc. God cannot possibly have anything else for you except that, because God IS that.
When I say things like this to people, they usually say, "What about God's Justice?"
To that I say, "We know NOTHING about God's justice or even if there is such a thing. All we know about is human justice and the human conception of what God's justice must be. Think about it. Do we really know any more than that?"
Yes, divorce is very sad. No question about that, but don't compound your misery by imagining that God is sad and disappointed as a finite human parent might be. As a parent you have something that I (as a non-parent) cannot imagine... and that is the love that a parent has for a child. When you're trying to imagine how God is toward your current sitch, or toward any sitch, concentrate on this love, and magnify it as much as you possibly can... and then multiply it times a google... and you'll have a tiny fraction of God's infinite love for you.
Please turn to hymn 412 in your red books and rise, as able.
"There were three "dealbreakers" that I laid out for her when she begged me back. Write a "no-contact" letter to OM, agree to total transparency (esp. cell phone # change, with new phone's detailed billing coming to me), and get tested for STDs.
She did none of them."
Choc,
Just caught up. I thought in your earlier post you meant that she hadn't violated any of the dealbreakers, not that she hadn't complied with them.
Perfectly reasonable dealbreakers. I'd say she's broken the deal.
Good luck with the D, let the Ls handle it, keep it business. W is only going to get less cooperative as time goes on. I don't see any reason to delay unless you find a reason to do so over the holidays. I think with all you've done personally, you'll be amazed at the life you have a year from now.
