quote:"I'm a big girl. I know he's going to do what he's going to do. I know it's got to be my choice to forgive and move forward. And really, I have. But what if he's just laying low for awhile and trying to get me settled down so he can resume his double lifestyle?
What if, what if, what if?
I know I need to let go of the past. Letting go does not mean forgetting and setting myself up for repeated trauma though. I need to get my head wrapped around healthy boundaries and consequences.
I guess I just needed to get it out of my system. Blech. " ...........................................................
Just wanted to thank you for sharing your fears and making ME feel more normal. Your perspective and that of your supporters has helped me this morning.
I too, am haunted by the fact that he looked me in the eye and lied to me like that while living a double life.
If If If he wanted to get out of this marriage with his son close by and the house out of the way, it is sheer brilliance as we are closing on the sale of our home up north in a few weeks.
Our son and I have moved across country to be with him as this is where his new job took him before the A. Talk about a set up.
The other morning the "What If" came crashing in. How hard would it be for them to lay low until his financial burden with me is lifted and his son was adjusted to attending school in his new town. I don't believe it. Not for a minute. But.
What if.
I guess trusting him has to be separate from letting anyone have the power to devastate me when I learn what people are capable of. Even the ones you love.
The innocence was lost and we'll never get that back. We need to mourn it now and then, I suppose, but I don't think I'd trade it for what I've gained-- the knowledge that I CAN not only make it, but THRIVE without him.
Hi Kel--thanks for chiming in. In a wierd way, it makes me happy to think that my insecurities can help someone else feel more normal--they're good for something that way. And I very much appreciate the perspectives of my friends here.
It sounds like your family is in the midst of a really big change, and though you're right that the innocent life will never be yours again, and you have to keep your eyes open, it seems to me that major life change will magnify the insecurities and fears. I think if we just keep putting one foot in front of the other, we'll keep distancing ourselves from the trauma of the past.
And what if? As one of my good friends put it, it's H's hands that will be dirty, not mine.
I just wanted to swing by and at leaste say that I am glad to see you in this forum. Not up to date on your sitch because you know I have been gone for a while but figured I would swing by and at least say hey.
Later, Ben
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
You sound good, and busy Isn't in strange how the past can just reach out and grab us in a second and transport us back? Had an incident like that last month with J. Long story short, a woman from our past started calling him (for good reasons) and I tried to resist that knee jerk panic/WTF feeling and lack of trust. For about half a day I was the pre-piecing version of me checking phone records and questioning H. Then I got tired of it in umm.. about half a day.. lol. Decided I'm not gonna put myself through that panic and pain again. Even if he's being stupid, he's gonna have to deal with it because I just don't have the energy or the desire to dump that much negative into my life worrying about what he's up to. Felt great to take care of me for a change And that my friend is what DB, this board and this journey has done for my life. Even when I decide to pick up the rope, I get tired of the rope burns and let it go much easier. Still, I feel that we'll be "piecing" forever, but maybe that's the way M is supposed to be.
Aud, I am new to piecing (i've been on MLC boards for the last year and a half). I think I remember reading your sitch on the infidelity board a while back.
As for your thoughts and insecurities, i feel like you're taking all the words out of my mouth.
I know it's so hard when we start thinking about how horribly they behaved and the "how could they do that" feelings. What I've tried to do is let go of what he did in teh past and focus on how he's behaving now. However, that is sometimes hard because we often use past experiences to try to figure out what 's going on today. I have been doing it myself lately with H, which is creating some serious negative energy.
Try to focus on what your H is doing TODAY and not what he did 6 months ago. He was in a differnt place back then.
The thing that rings true with me is about letting them figure themselves out. We have this tendency to want the help them move along, but at the end of the day, they need to come to their own conclusions.
Keep coming here to vent. Don't vent to your H. Believe me when I say, that only hurts the process. I'm trying to follow my own advice.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Decided I'm not gonna put myself through that panic and pain again. Even if he's being stupid, he's gonna have to deal with it because I just don't have the energy or the desire to dump that much negative into my life worrying about what he's up to.
I love this Piglet...I went through this exact thing a few weeks ago, and the panic was awful. I definitely feel this way, and I appreciate you sharing it with me. I don't need or want the negative in my life, no sense bringing it on myself.
As for being in 'piecing' forever...I suspect that you might be right when you say that maybe that's the way M is supposed to be. It certainly won't do for us to start taking things for granted again, otherwise, what have we learned?
That said, I think we all need to expect the ups and downs too...no journey is without its bumps in the road, what matters is how we handle them. I think my biggest concern right now is coming up with a strategy for handling the biggest ones (i.e. his possible stumbles in fidelity) in a way that is respectful for both of us. I don't have a problem with forgiveness, but neither do I want to sit by and allow him to put our family in jeopardy with his weakness...KWIM?
Thanks for chiming in Peaceful. (I love your name, BTW.)
Yep, I spent quite some time posting on the infidelity boards. During that time I also followed the piecers very closely, as I found a lot of solutions and support and ideas of what could be coming up in their threads. I am grateful to be here now, and glad you're joining us.
It is hard to shut out the feelings of the past. I'm getting better at it all the time. Often when a thought/memory pops up I'll think, "Eh, I don't want to go there, because I'm in a much better place today", and drop it.
It is entirely natural to use past experiences to try and figure out what the future holds. It's human. It's also important to learn to let it go. Have you found anything to help you? Don't want to be letting in any more negative energy than absolutely necessary.
You are so right to encourage me to focus on what H is doing TODAY. I think we both need that--it provides much needed footholds for climbing out of this hole we've found ourselves in.
It's a difficult thing to stand by and let them figure themselves out, especially when most days it seems that they don't intend to do so, or even recognize the need for it. But maybe this is good practice for me, as I suspect I will go through similar feelings as my children grow. I've always been a straight arrow, but I'm sure my parents have had some heartache in watching me figure myself out...I feel like I'm just starting to get there, and I'm in my thirties. We have a long row to hoe, baby!
And I very much appreciate the perspectives of my friends here.