I need support

[HSSweetheart]

Funny, Cat, that you mention parties. Did I write that my kids both said that they DO NOT want to have separate parties from this point forward? That surprised me.

NC, I took many drugs over the past few years. I weaned off of them this summer and decided I didn't want to go that path again. My H would say bad things about them and assume I was only nice because of them no matter my protests that I was working on "me". I still have them if I feel the need. My Dr. told me that I had situational depression. When things are good I am happy, when I have marital problems I am down. And anyway, I never felt a real difference on them. I even got sleeping pills prescribed the first time he left but I didn't like how they felt so I didn't use them. I met with my therapist on Fri as a matter of fact. But now she is going out for surgery which sucks!

Thanks for the advice about him leaving early. Yes, I had debated whether to even mention it because I knew it would go nowhere. I was right. I was thinking about my daughter's feelings as well. But like everyone has said, no expectations is much easier but harder to do. I am continually working on that.

I have had such good posters helping me lately, thanks to all. I am feeling like I am slowly improving. I have laughed once or twice at least.

Sister-in-law stopped over to bring her present as she missed the party. I tried not to say anything bad, but I didn't mention him leaving-as nice as I could. She seemed puzzled about it too. But the usual generic advice from her - go to church, take care of yourself and the kids. She is once divorced (no kids) and re-married w/kids, so she can somewhat relate. Though she left him. But whatever.

[HSSweetheart]

I spoke with H this morning. Told him D8 was very upset and I am worried about her. I believe he said there was nothing he could do about that. At that I hesitated and said ok goodbye and ended the call without confrontation-I was proud of myself for biting my tongue. I cannot believe that was his answer. Mr. Parent of the year. Kids stayed over last night and today as with election day there is no school. Next week they have the same on Monday and then a few days the following week. Nice to not have to get them ready in the morning, I must say. To only worry about myself is wierd in the morning. So I got to work early and therefore can get out early and see them tonite!! Can't wait!

[cat03]

Told him D8 was very upset and I am worried about her. I believe he said there was nothing he could do about that.
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When my H and I were separated, if I said something like what you said above, he'd think I was either blackmailing him emotionally or manipulating him him, he just didnt' believe me. Also, he refused to see or care about anyother but himself, it is sad but true, they get to that low point.

Another way to look it up is if you are more concrete about what you think your D8 needs. Perhaps you could mention to him that D8 could use some time alone w him and reassurances that he loves her.

[mkultra]

I agree that it is best to go dark even with some of the unpleasant events of the children's life. My D6 has her own thereapist to help her through some of what she has seen because there may have been some emotional and substance abuse on H's part. If H wants to know about it then he will inquire, besides a few bombs on my part, I do not tell him anything because it will be construed as guilt and manipulation as Cat mentioned. It will. Sad but true. My best friend warned me that WAS detach this way and to expect it. She also warned that they may even take a more solid interest in the new or other women's children they meet later if they are mothers. This has happened with my own father, but you can complain as a kid and then just accept it. The powerful thing about complaining is comiserating for kids. We have Kids First for children going through divorce and my friend is a counselor there. He says the most beautiful thing is that the kids hardly even talk about the break up. They just want to know they are not the only ones and you will see that they are not, unfortunatley.

Every now and then I tell a cute sorry about the kids, light and positive. It is heartbreaking to have to remind there own father that there are milestones in a child's life. Losing a tooth, wearing big boy briefs, eating broccoli. Light and positive. He wil not care about the two bombs I dropped out of anger:1. My D6 announced that her father lies and has many girlfriends. 2. Her father is dead. I did say these things to hurt him and I kind of do not regret it. She is in therapy because he abandoned all of us and that is a huge betrayal but it will not make him come back or be a better father at all. If anything it may just make him leave altogether so we never see him.

[HSSweetheart]

Wow. So sad. Kids are innocent bystanders of our mistakes. I feel worse for them than myself. They did not sign up for this. I am going to try and not mention such things about the kids. Though I got chewed out last week for not telling him my plans w/the kids to go to dinner one night. Go figure. No happy medium. On a good note I had the kids last night and we had a nice dinner. D8 wouldn't eat anything I gave her so she got cereal. Couldn't help but give in. Teacher's note this week still says she is only doing "fair" but did speak with the counselor. I told her to do her best, I was proud of her no matter what. If I can barely function at work how can she be expected to function any better at school? Our teacher conf is next Friday. Should be interesting.
He did make a point to say goodbye to me last night. He usually just leaves because I don't generally say anything to him anyway.

[cat03]

He usually just leaves because I don't generally say anything to him anyway.
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Is not saying "good bye" making things better or worse? are you letting him dictate how you behave?

You teach people how to behave towards you. Be cordial, say "bye" at least, it wont' take away from you.
With lots of reasurance your D8 should do better. My separation lasted 8mths, through it all my s7 know dadddy needed time alone and it was fine with him, i'm sure he missed them but I made a point of making life as normal as as I could and not talk about dad or the separation at all.

[HSSweetheart]

How could you possibly have not talked about their father or the situation? That seems impossible. And many time they bring it up. And with them going from house to house every 2 days I don't see how acting normal is possible because nothing is normal. But I am trying.

I am so upset and angry at the situation that I have barely spoken to him in any way, not just goodbyes. I find it hard to speak to him. And when I do it just ends up bad sometimes so I don't bother. Right or wrong. Like mothers say, if you have nothing nice to say say nothing at all.

[cat03]

I just realized your kids have to go back and forth, I guess that's why it is harder (my H came to the house, kids always stayed home)
If son talked about when is daddy coming home I'd just say that it might take a long time, that his dad didnt' feel well and that he needed time away on his own.

Right or wrong
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No, you must choose, either do what's detrimental or what could help in putting your M together. Of course, if you are way too angry then the best thing to do is to minimize contact, until you calm down, don't let anger overcome you. Take time to cool down but do ask yourself later what are your goals, what do you want to accomplish.
Being angry will also affect your kids, they can see right through us, we just dont' think so. Please to go see a T on your own to help you cope.

[HSSweetheart]

I need some advice. Just got a call at lunch from H. He found out I invited my brother he doesn't get along with to Thanksgiving at my house. I had already told him I would be cooking and having the kids. Apparently he "assumed" that meant him as well. Let me clarify that I never invited him. I told him that he is the one who wants everything separate, not me, so I was just going along with it. He said fine, he would do something else. Just as well he said, I would probably glare at him over the turkey he said. I called him afterwards and left a message that I could change plans w/my brother because there is nothing more I would like then to have t-giving with my "family" on his voicemail. He had also said that if I had them for TG that he had them for xmas. I said no, I figured he would have them xmas eve therefore I would have xmas day. I have no family and his celebrates on the eve. What do y'all think?

I also want to tell him that he has to stop calling me at work with these issues, I will be upset all the rest of the day now about this and it will screw me up for working. I can't take this!

I had therapy on Fri Cat FYI. My goal of course would be to save my marriage but he has already said several times that it is over so I have no hope at this point. Guess you guys think that is wrong. Sorry. Had my support group last night as well. Called the kids afterwards and H answers and acts like he wants to be nice and talk. Last thing I want to do. I just can't take this stuff!

[HSSweetheart]

Update: After the last post he called me, whispering as he was sneakinging in a call to me. He said he called to apologize, and did it numerous times. I started crying of course and said there is nothing I would want more than to have our family together for thanksgiving and that I could cancel previous plans to have my b over. He said ok, do that then. He also said something about xmas - D8 had called him crying on Sun during her breakdown that she wanted him to sleep over on xmas eve so he would be there in the am. He said he figured with both holidays that it would be more normal for the kids sake. I thanked him for the apologies. Perhaps there is something human in there after all. I just don't see it enough.