Came across a box while cleaning last night of his old love letters. Really emotional. I haven't seen that side of him in some time. Nice to see, but hard as well. I am copying many of them and sending them to him. Perhaps he needs a memory jolt as well.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Survived another lonely weekend. He went away for the weekend so there were no visits, only phone calls. But then he came to pick up S on Sunday night and all the tension rushed back to me. He took the envelope with the old ltrs in it. Don't know if he'll read any. Might do him good to remember what it was like to have some emotion. Back to the old grind today. Another day. Yipee.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
D7 brought home another upsetting progress report from school on Friday. Says she is not interested in school. I tried to speak with her but didn't get any answers as to why. I asked if she wanted to speak with the school counselor if not to me and she said yes. She was almost crying. And she is not the one I expected to have trouble with. Had a heart to heart with S11 and didn't get anywhere. He is too much like his F. Said he would never talk to anyone. I told him about my therapist and support group and anti-depressant past. He was adament(?) that he will not talk to anyone. These are the innocent victims of this BS. It makes me so sad and angry at the same time! H hasn't seen any of these progress reports. Fri is party night for him so he doesn't see the school work then. I haven't mentioned it. Teacher conference for S7 is in 2 weeks. I marked it on the calendar but I am making a point not to remind H. It is not my job anymore to be his secretary. This is what being independent means. He needs to learn the hard way what life is about if he really wants to be alone. It is no longer my job to remind him of appts, etc.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
One of the worst days of my life yesterday. Eyes are like grapefruits today. Thankfully it is halloween so I have a grim reaper costume covering my face. I would love to wear it everyday! Some really hurtful things were said. Mostly him to me. This is why I don't talk to him generally. Then hysterical I called my brother. Big mistake. All the advice I get from he and sister in law is bad. Change locks, change alarm, get daycare so he doesn't come over, sell his stuff on ebay, take him to court. IF he comes to pick up the kids don't let him in the house anymore. They are ruthless and hurtful. Great for the kids as well. They need to learn the truth or something they tell me. BS. Only hurt more. H told me he doesn't drink or party as much now that he is away from me. That really hurt. Then he told me how I burnt all my bridges. I held the phone away because it was too painful to hear. I asked why he would turn the knife he already put in my back. He says there is NO WAY he would ever come back, he made his decision. I told him D7 is having school problems. Not his fault of course, he says he had the same problems as a kid. Everything he did he did for the better. Tells me I think too much of myself and to get over it. I need to think of the kids first. Like he did by leaving, right? Sorry to rant.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
I think you ought to take these issues over to "Newcomers". Seems to me they are more general in nature vs. being something related to being separated. I know that you'll get more feedback there.
Having said that, I think you really need to concentrate on detaching. He has left the house, stated his opinion, and isn't participating except to tell you things that you don't want to hear. Now is the time when you need to insulate yourself from him and the anger and hurt that he brings on you. Only after you get to that place of being truly detached can you even hope to do things that might actually save your marriage. Right now it is just a repeating cycle of the same old stuff.
Take this over to "Newcomers" and you'll get more support and advice from some of the pro-DB'ers.
I agree with SteveInTN. Detach. As he has said, for now, he has made his decision. That decision may not seem as great in a few months, but for now there is nothing that you can say or do that can change his mind. Let him go. Stop letting him hurt you. Be strong. It's up to him to reengage.
Me-46;W-42 Together 23 yrs Married 16 S11 S8 S6 02/10/03 Her 1st affair 10/01/06 Sep Bomb 01/01/07 Sep Begins 03/09/07 Her 2nd affair
Came across a box while cleaning last night of his old love letters. Really emotional. I haven't seen that side of him in some time. Nice to see, but hard as well. I am copying many of them and sending them to him. Perhaps he needs a memory jolt as well.
HSS And what will this accomplish? Didn't you learn anything over the past couple of years? I know you are hurting but you are STUCK! More of the same. Cheeseless tunnels. Ughhhhhhh!!!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I have been trying to detach. And all he says is that I just "grunt" at him. I don't want to see or talk to him right now I am so hurt. It is painful to be in his presence and know all of this. He told me in a painful phone call that he made his decision after 5 yrs and will NOT come back. I did all the DR stuff 2 yrs ago when we were first separated. He gave it another chance. I think I was at my best then, so if he didn't want that "version" of me and the marriage then nothing will ever work. I think then I had some hope to hang on to-now I do not. I talked to a lawyer yesterday. Not that I can afford one. I'll have to wait to see what he does and react any way I can. No legal aid would help me. Screwed in so many ways as usual. This sucks.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
P.S. He did mention the ltrs. He asked if I was trying to guilt him and I told him no and asked if he was ashamed or embarrased with what he had written. He sternly said no, but that was then and this is now and that is OVER. No, perhaps I didnt' accomplish anything with it but I did want him to see them. That he once had emotions. I am taking D8 out tonite for dinner as today is her b-day. Originally kinda sorta hoped he might ask to come along. He didn't, and at this point I don't want him there. He scolded me that I didn't tell him of these plans and I reminded him that we ALWAYS take the kids out on their b-days. He said yeah, "we". He walked them last night. I missed it. I feel like everything is slipping away.....Sigh
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Gloom over the absence of a family member or romantic partner could come upon you today, dear Aries, and your usual exuberant nature could be far more subdued than is normal for you. You might even spend the entire evening watching whatever happens to be on TV. It would be far more productive if you'd treat yourself to a trip to the bookstore and pick up some new reading material. At least you'll learn something while your partner is away!
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
