Hi, new here and my H is in MLC at 32.

[txbutterfly]

I think our session today went well. I stood up for myself a lot more than I have up until now. I think H was surprised. He tried to act as if he thought it was "good" I was standing up for myself, but in reality he seemed a little threatened...off balance a bit. He called me later in the day and said something about not wanting things to be awkward or upset between us, wanting to get along, etc. and I just agreed. Then did a tiny victory dance that he caved first...bad, I know.

The whole thing right now with this limbo is that it's a giant power struggle...a war of sorts. He has been holding all the power b/c he dropped the bomb, b/c he was infatuated with OW and is now infatuated with this 'fantasy life' that he wants to go live. I've not been using my power b/c I have been so knocked off my feet that I wasn't in touch with it. Now I am *barely* starting to get in touch with it and I think it could be fun.

One thing I want to ask about as far as GAL...did you all just focus on making new, SAME-SEX friends? Or did you "hang out" with friends of the opposite sex? Did you date? I don't think it would be a good idea for me to date (I'd be pi**ed if H went on a date!). So I'm wondering how to build my social network (as part of my GAL strategy) while also having best impact on H. I read another post on here where one LBS (wife) was telling her WAH about all the cute guys in her new apartment complex. I know it can't be done to "make" them jealous, but it can't hurt if they just happen to feel jealous by your new life, right?

Thx for the advice and for "listening".

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Or did you "hang out" with friends of the opposite sex? Did you date?

Temptation comes in through the door you intentionally leave open.

I would highly recommend not doing this.
You are going to be so vulnerable during this process, and you are going to ache for attention and physical contact.

Even the best guys with good morals can be pigs and dogs.

Date when you are done.

[Was2sad]

If you are happy, he will be jealous. He doesn't need to also be p!ssed. Hearing about OM will work against you. Not just with H, but with your own conscience later.

Some people do participate in bowling, church groups, or other coed type outings. Jack is very right ... discussing your private affairs with other sex at such outings definately opens the door to pigs, dogs, and their fleas. BTW drinking makes them look less appalling so please do think hard about choices you make right now. You can not know how they may affect you later ... until it is later, as in too late.

[txbutterfly]

Thanks...warnings much appreciated

I have an appointment set to talk to a DB coach this evening & I'm looking forward to that. After the confrontation about dinner and who pays, now I am getting the sense he won't be asking me to hang out nearly as much, maybe not at all for a while!! Perhaps I shot myself in the foot, it is hard to know for sure. We were spending a lot of time together & getting along pretty well, which I know is a good sign...but ultimately what I want is for us to be married, not just a couple of buddies who "hang out". I think I deserve better...although I know people here say not to have expectations...but in my mind he is still my H so that just seems like I am setting myself up to be treated like sh*t and give him excuse to do so.

I never thought I'd EVER be in this situation, I still can't really believe it. I've heard stories of women who date guys for a long time & they won't commit so the couple splits....but never realized this could also happen with someone you've been MARRIED to already, geez!!! It's demoralizing, insulting, hurtful to the nth degree. How someone can be so confused about someone they "love more than anyone else" I just don't understand.

I hope my coach can help me balance those 2 seemingly competing goals:
• Set ground rules to be treated with respect
• Being compassionate, non-argumentative, "not" having expectations to maintain a friendship, which hopefully opens door to more again

This is SO hard.

[txbutterfly]

Talked with H just now and he says that our C told him he thinks we should have a harder separation - for say 6 months or so - where we don't really talk or see each other except for work. Is this a good idea? C says we are too "enmeshed"...I agree but just wonder if that would be good or bad for our M.

H just told me he feels "too responsible" for my feelings. I am not sure what I am supposed to do with that. I feel crappy about it, and I know he is right b/c I do have trouble handling my emotions...but I wish I could have heard this before...I don't really know how to manage the ONSLAUGHT of emotions I am experiencing from this separation. Would have been easier to deal with this under normal conditions, but alas, I realize now things can't always go the way I want them to.

[Lissie]

H just told me he feels "too responsible" for my feelings

Sweetie, I would really listen to this.

I know we hear that what comes out of the mouth of these Mlcers are all lies.

But sometimes I think they speak the truth, and this sounds like one of those times.

I think more of NC is a good thing, for you.

You can work out things that are troubling you.

You can try to get back that TXbutterfly that got lost in the marriage.

I know it is scary, and you are scare of Losing him more.

But the truth is that he has so much work to do on himself, why not give him that space, and while he is spacing in his space, you are becoming whole again

[txbutterfly]

Thanks Lissie, you are right. I just spoke with Susie (DB coach) and she agreed I was putting pressure on him with the 'you have to pay for my dinner' tactic...not that what I said wasn't totally TRUE and that I do deserve for him to do that, but right now things are too critical and weak to put pressure on him.

sigh. this is going to be harder than i thought.

[txbutterfly]

Talked to H tonight & I "backpedaled" off what I'd said the other day (at the advice of my DB coach & I agreed with her). I told him I was ok to concentrate on our friendship for now and I would not expect more, that I understand he isn't ready to give more. I did not apologize, and I did say that I still felt the same feelings as I had (about the disrespect of having to pay to spend time together) but that I realized he and I are not in the same place with our feelings right now (about the M) so I need to accept that. For now. I said that just friendship would not be enough for me forever (which is a mini-pressure statement but felt I needed to include that since I was SO strong on my statement a few days ago, to kinda backpedal gradually rather than a total retraction which would look foolish). Now if I could quit blowing up and shooting myself in the foot, that would be nice!!!

I guess progress is 3 steps forward, 2 back sometimes. I was well-intentioned but sometimes with competing goals (respect self while investing in a failing M) it is hard to know what's the *right* thing to do.

He didn't say a whole lot about that episode or my "retraction", but he launched into a negative/hopeless talk track about the lack of progress he is seeing in our MC. Somewhere in the convo he said he was not "actively looking" to meet other women, he doesn't think the "grass is greener", he just wants to make sure OUR grass is "green enough" or could be, before he comes back to this side of the fence...but he still is very negative & I made a joke and said he is in the "negative zone" again, he laughed.

He said he is starting to catch a cold & has no meds at home. So after we hung up, I ran to the store & got him some. Figured since I'll see him tomorrow at work I can give them to him. One of his complaints has been that I wasn't sweet enough to him when he was sick, so what could it hurt.

It's weird b/c I really don't get where the line is between DBing and being a doormat. I sorta feel like a doormat (based on what my "expecting" voice says) but I know if DBing, I need to focus on being a friend, making changes I think I should make to be better person (be patient, not so many expectations), etc. Thanks for listening.

[txbutterfly]

Not sure anyone is still reading my ramblings on...

But I am wondering about something & would love some insight.
I moved out of our home 4 months ago. H stayed in the home & put it up for sale. In the last few days, we got an offer & have accepted it, so our home is selling. This is both good and sad at the same time...

One evening last week, H was talking about it and started crying. I think he is having a hard time dealing with the idea of moving. I'm scared, though, that once he finds a place and gets moved there that he will feel excited about it & that he'll interpret his feelings of excitement to mean he should leave me for good. I know when I moved I sortof felt like that, so I am worried.

Any advice is appreciated, he moves late Nov. and I know if he's excited it will be hard for me (I experience it as further rejection, and worry he will meet someone else b/c of the area he's moving to has lots of single people our age).

[Cinderellaman]

sweety....yes it will feel exciting and new for him, just like anything NEW does....but it will pass ....just like everything passes too !!!

Try to look at YOUR positives in this and concentrate only on YOU for now...it will help.

This is a long and tough road for us all, and I'm sorry to say that although there is HOPE if you have FAITH, there are NO guarantees !