another bomb is dropped

[just_plain_hopef]

thank you jen,
you seem to have a knack for putting my thoughts into words I can use.

Today has been another hard turn. When W got up, she was in a nasty mood, felt sick to her stomach and her head hurt. I left it alone and justed asked how she was. I gave her a few hours and now she is back to just a little grumpy now-that I can work with!!

My current thoughts are that i need to keep on my path and be flexible enough to react to the roller coaster. W has enough garbage in her head right now, I don't need to add to it, but I would like to help her work through it.

[just_plain_hopef]

just journaling today,
doing good, spent afternoon with W cleaning garage, later had a long spiritual conversation with w at her choosing. seemed to help build a deeper overall connection between us. W did comment that I'm the only one that ever listen & talk at this level with her. I'm liking where things are right now, it's a strong beginning.
W did sit next to me on couch, she didn't mind having my leg across her, she's not as standoff-ish physically. I'll settle for that now, to me it shows there's a little less barrier and the anger has left her for now.

[just_plain_hopef]

more ups and downs,
I've been doing really well talking to W she seems to be enjoying things, the tension has backed off a bit. yesterday a saw a glimpse of her being a little bit playful physically(she walked by and tapped me on the back of the head a couple times and wouldn't move out of my way when I was leaving the kitchen). not much, but it does show she can come out of her bleak outlook every now and again. Last night, wen I was working on going to bed, she asked if I'd like a beer, I said sure, and we sat up until 4 a.m. talking about our lives as kids growing up. Today has been back to more of the same-kind of grouchy, but i'm not letting it get to me.
W seems to think a pile of money is going to drop from the sky and let her be financially independent of me by the end of the year-says she's going to pay off her half of the bills, take over the house payment and not ask for C/S. yesterday, she asked me for investment advice to get a steady income from a large unnamed sum of money(I gave her my best advice as if she really did have it). We'll have to see if that actually happens and my question is what does W do if it doesn't?
I'm hoping to have gotten somewhere by then so it does not come to that!!!

[just_plain_hopef]

At my wits end today, it must be the full moon. I know better than this, but I'm still more strung out than I should be. I'm happy to have my friends and this board to do my venting on.
today, was going to store with W and d3, W got frustrated with the radio b/c every station she could flip to had something to do with a L song-I just let it go.
later on tonight had a conversation with w and let her know how much I appreciated what she does for me and d's. w just sat and listened and didn't say much the rest of the night.
after that I went a little nuts myself and retreated to the bedroom by myself to release and just have a good cry(yes I sound pathetic). After that, I felt much better, composed myself and started hanging pictures(that sure beats punching holes in walls, which I had considered doing about 30 min before!).
earlier today, I stumbled upon one of w's letters to one of her friends(which I shouldn't have looked at) where she talked about OM from the summer before last who she had dated briefly. she hasn't been able to find or contact him(whew). But, she wrote about how she found him to be a "male version of herself" who liked to write and draw. OM is really a 35-yr old man collecting comic books living with his father with a nothing job. Not to be full of myself, but I really doubt he could touch me as far as keeping up with w's moodiness(or shopping habits) let alone hold down a job and be 1/2 the father I am to our d's. However W likes his freedom and carefree attitude(I need to still work on these more). I got to thinking, well D@#n, I used to be way cooler than that before W, but it's kind of a go nowhere destructive lifestyle. We've come too far together to let this junk stand in our way of being happy. W ought to know better than to pull this junk with all of the spiritual learning that she has done.

There--it's done, all my garbage is out of my head, no more poisoning my thoughts or words

[Jen_Jam]

I'm happy to have my friends and this board to do my venting on.

It's the place to be when you're down

today, was going to store with W and d3, W got frustrated with the radio b/c every station she could flip to had something to do with a L song-I just let it go.

Good move - if she wants to sit in a wet nappy then let her.

later on tonight had a conversation with w and let her know how much I appreciated what she does for me and d's. w just sat and listened and didn't say much the rest of the night.

Hmmm ... not sure about this one, as long as you didn't go on and on ... sometimes it can just induce guilt .. tread carefully here.

after that I went a little nuts myself and retreated to the bedroom by myself to release and just have a good cry(yes I sound pathetic).

not at all - good that you removed yourself from W's company and didn't let her se that. you are NOT pathetic for crying.

earlier today, I stumbled upon one of w's letters to one of her friends(which I shouldn't have looked at) where she talked about OM from the summer before last who she had dated briefly. she hasn't been able to find or contact him(whew). But, she wrote about how she found him to be a "male version of herself" who liked to write and draw. OM is really a 35-yr old man collecting comic books living with his father with a nothing job. Not to be full of myself, but I really doubt he could touch me as far as keeping up with w's moodiness(or shopping habits) let alone hold down a job and be 1/2 the father I am to our d's. However W likes his freedom and carefree attitude(I need to still work on these more). I got to thinking, well D@#n, I used to be way cooler than that before W, but it's kind of a go nowhere destructive lifestyle. We've come too far together to let this junk stand in our way of being happy. W ought to know better than to pull this junk with all of the spiritual learning that she has done.

OK, snooping is bad for the reason that we often find things we either don't like or we read the worst into what we do find .. it's not good for US to snoop ...but having said that here you've found something useful ... W would like a guy like writing and drawing ... a bit of a free spirit. Now, I think I get you then you say the "free spirit" lifestyle is destructive (I'm thinking too much booze, maybe even drugs and these are bad things) BUT how about a "free spirit lite" version? You've been lucky in your snooping in that you've uncovered a little of what your W feels is missing from her life. OK, she can't have the lifestyle of a teenager any more, there are children to look after, bills to pay tec etc ... but I've seen quite a few WAS's (including my own) who feel they don't want to deal with the grey and mundane in life, but the fact is the grey and mundane doesn't go away. When my H was in la-la land he thought it was unfair that he couldn't go out, drink pints of lager, get 4 hours sleep then be fine again, like he could when he was 18. Or that it really wasn't a good idea to blow hundreds of pounds on new hifi equipment when his credit card had thousands on it. he just didn't want to deal with life and in a way behaved like a spoilt teenager.

So - what can you do about your W's desire to be a carefree teenager again? Not a lot. it's up to her to wake herself up, but you can create the kind of environment she feels comfortable waking up into. Be her friend, plan some fun things for YOU and don't invite her along .... plan some other fun things and do invite her ... get back in touch a little with your old self. You say you used to be "way cooler" but it was destructive ... ok think again on the "lite" version ... so going out until 4am getting whacked on booze or whatever isn't a good idea now ... but is there an alternative? Going out for a little while, or going to see a band? For example, last summer I took H to a festival for 1 day ... saw Billy Idol (fab!!) and he really enjoyed himself, it showed that just cos he was 36 didn't mean he'd never get to a festival again.

I may be way off the mark, and I'm not incinuating you used to drink load or do lots of drugs, the reason I say that is cos I used to (i was a teenage/20's tearaway). What do you think?

[just_plain_hopef]

jen, you are pretty much reading my mind. For me, in my younger days it was a too much beer and the "need for speed" with motorcycles was the thing, no drugs, I can't stand my head being out of control and I've always had a job that wouldn't allow it. on this week's list is it's time to pull the bike out of the garage and get it going again.

today, I got up early, cleaned the house a little then decided it was time for a little road trip to the mountains. I asked W yesterday if she would like to go, she said "no, I'm too busy, I have to clean the house and frost a cake for my sister's b'day".
When I was about to leave D8 and D3 woke up. I asked them if they wanted to go along, so we went, I left W a very short note. W called after she woke up at the "crack of noon". The first time she called I just let it ring. 15 min later she texted me to call her with where I was at. I waited another 15 min before I called her to let her know what was up, short and sweet conversation.
myself and d's had a good time, went to a little spiritual store that we all enjoy, especially w and d3. I let the d's each get something special for themselves and got myself a couple little things as well-nothing for W.
A couple hours later, I got home, house the same way I left it, b'day cake unfrosted and W in a bit of a stew because her mother had been agitating her since she got up. W talked about it and other things, seemed to be really easygoing and comfortable once I got home.
all for now, back to work tonite, should give W some space

[just_plain_hopef]

yesterday went ok, seeme to be kinda positive. W picked up a boook i'd bought, read a couple pages and then had to go meditate on something. she came back a little later almost in shock and didn't explain much of anything, except she said something about taking a wrong turn. before I left for work, the energy between us seemed positive, at one moment it felt like she wanted to give me a hug, but held back.
it seems to be Indecision time for W, she was up late again late night(i was at work). w texted me & said she had alot on her mind, I texted back, i'm not all that busy tonight, if you need a listener I'm here. she never called back last night(oh well). today it seems like more of the same, i just need to keep a cool head and stay the course

[just_plain_hopef]

yesterday went well, painted d3's bedroom,kinda surprised w. we seem to be getting along well. spoke to a friend of ours who talked to w earlier. she said that w didn't say much except that we were getting along well as friends and w said that i was ok with her plans to move me out and for us to go separate ways. My thinking is that that's ok for now, it's a good starting point and it tells me i've been doing good with detaching and putting my best attitude out there. W does seem to be opening up a little more, talks between us have been going well(no R talk whatsoever). W still talks about her plans for after she moves me out of the house and what she wants to buy without me around, I'm still working on not letting this get to me. She does seem a little more comfortable around me, wasn't bothered in the least bit when her towel slipped open when she was getting out of the shower and i happened to glance her direction-at this stage i'll go for even the smallest cheap thrill
W is still fumbling through her depression, I'm doing my best to raise that just a little at a time. Sometimes I get the feeling that this is a test by W to help build our R. W doesn't know what kind of hell she's put me through in the mean time. In retrospect, this almost seems like a fast-forward trip throught the ups and downs we had while separated-hopefully that it what it is, the signs are very similar, just at a faster pace. for me, it seems to be working better since we do have face-to face contact and I have my db moves and plans well-practiced, with a couple new ones thrown in for variety. it also helps that she sees these alot quicker than before(I got 180's that even make my head spin!!). however, what concerns me is that I need to give her opportunity to miss me, I'll have to work on a strategy for that. this weekend, i'm going to knoxville,tn so that should help. I plan on not calling and maybe answering on the second or third phone call from her. I have been throwing in a few well-placed compliments, they seem to be helping her depression.
Last night at work I had a small breakdown, things just weren't going right and this garbage kept coming back into my head. I was frustrated and just mad about everything. I don't like being like this but it's best that it happened at work and not at home where W would see it.
Either tonight or tommorrow night, W asked me to meditate with her, I see that as a good step, since W said that she didn't feel a "connection" with me in the right way. I'm hoping this will help give her that feeling and break the logjam in her head.
right now, i guess i'm making small progress and getting some small positive results, it's not where I want to be, but it feels like I'm on the right path.

[just_plain_hopef]

I need some advice....
Got a phone cal from MIL today. She was aware of situation and wanted to know how I felt about it. I told her I really can't say, but you should be able to make a pretty good guess.
MIL advised me to tell W to go get a job and start paying half her way if this is how it's going to be.
I am feeling that this may be a good thing to do to get W out of house and out of her depression. It will also make clear that I am done being used and taken advantage of as a checkbook. However, I don't want to erase the positive that I have gained.
I would greatly welcome anyone's input on this subject.

[Jen_Jam]

Be careful ... I had the advice "it's about time he got his backside in gear" and it was wrong, wrong...

But...it depends on how you approach W. As a help to the separation, maybe it will open her eyes up a little. A kind of "maybe it would be a good idea to get a job, especially as we're soon going to have spearate households, what do you think?" .. involve her as part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I also had an alarm bell when you said W reckons that you are OK with splitting up. You're not. I don't think it's bad DB to point out that you don't want to split but if that is the only thing which will make her happy then you won't stand in her way.

(PS glad your wilder days didn't involve drugs, I wouldn't recommend them to anyone)