Hi, new here and my H is in MLC at 32.

[Dom R]

Just call it what it was: an affair.

there may not have been "adultery" involved. (I think there was. that's the whole reason he moved out).

But either way, it destroyed your marriage.
He chose another woman over you.
That pretty much makes it "an affair"

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl, as much as I hate to tell you this, you may want to hop over to the SSM board & check out the threads on the whore/madonna syndrome. From what I've read from this thread of yours, he may have issues w/ that. Basically, he loves you, but can't see you in a sexual way b/c you are his wife. I don't know all the basics of it, but I would definitely look into it. You could probably google it as well.

[txbutterfly]

Well today I had a backslide, sortof.
Maybe, maybe not.

Our C is seeing us individually, and also together in our MC sessions.
Went to my individual appointment today and C tells me that H is fantasizing about being a bachelor and having all these "choices" that he's never had, that he looks at me like I'm a "little girl" and not the strong, capable woman that I am inside. That if H decides to leave the M, C believes H will really regret it one day. That H "only knows what he knows, and doesn't know what he doesn't know" and that H can't see the prize that I am. That it is up to ME to BE that prize, up to me to recognize my value and assert it. That my continuing not to see that is only letting H "off the hook" as far as "choosing" me...that my weakness gives H a false sense of strength, which is only preventing him from seeing my value...and thus "choosing" me (vicious cycle).

So recently, even tho H has asked me to dinner & lunch many times (and he makes a point to tell me that it is "not a date" - gee thanks!), he has been paying for it with our company credit card, which means I am paying 1/2. It irritated me but I had rationalized it that when we were married, technically I was paying for 1/2 then. But after my session, I realize:

If another man invited me to dinner and expected me to pay 1/2, I'd not go out with him again. And if H was taking some *other* girl on a date, he'd pay for the entire thing.

I also realized: I'm settling for being his friend. Or his business partner. And all the while not getting to be what I *want and deserve* - his wife, the "lady" in his life. Someone who is romanced and treated like a lady...with respect!!!

So, after my appt I spoke to H...laid it all out...did not yell or cry (although was irritated and angry & he could tell)....and told him I didn't want to do that anymore. That if he wanted the pleasure of my company (and not just someone to "hang out" with, like a buddy you call up when you have nothing else to do) - then he can invite me and HE can pay for it. And if he doesn't want to do that, then we don't have to go...and that's just fine with me. I'd rather eat dinner alone than be disrespected.

I also told him that I think he has taken me for granted, that he doesn't appreciate or respect me nearly enough and I'm tired of it. That if he wants to go "sow his oats" then he's free to do that, but don't sit here and think you'll get to keep me and my friendship off on the side...there will be no cake eating here.

Although I don't feel totally strong and "in that place" right now, deep down that person is in there & she is really sick and tired of hearing that her HUSBAND "isn't ready to be married" or thinks he should "date other people for a while" and other such ridiculous, insulting, disrespectful, immature and infuriating statements.

Said only to myself, not to him....if he needs to go "date" then perhaps he should just go do that. So I can get on with my business of finding a REAL husband and potential father to my children. Someone I can freakin' COUNT ON.

I just don't understand how someone can DO this to someone they love. I believe he loves me...as much as his current maturity level will allow. I just can't believe he is SOOO immature...such a flake...he WAS there for me when we were married, where did THAT guy go? And who is this 16-year old nincompoop in his place?

Sigh. No amount of venting is going to answer these questions. Only God knows, I guess.

[Was2sad]

Ok, gonna let you in on a little mlc trivia. There are actually sections in some books on mlc that tell the person in crisis, Go For It All. Even more professional titles by recognized experts say this is the time to give in to the desires and live through that lost youth so they will be able to finally leave it behind.

In theory, all that crap is fine. In reality ... you go girl!

Part of the reason I like your thinking is it will prevent you from being destroyed like so many victims of mlc. If that is what your H is going through, you are a victim. The extent to which you allow yourself to be destroyed is what will set you apart from the rest.

You hang in there. Be calm. Be honest. Be the survivor. If he is determined to experiment with life, don't be his guinnea pig.

[txbutterfly]

Thanks Was2...I needed that.

[Beth 83]

Wow, what you are saying sounds so familiar to me. Check out my story:

WAH & his QLC

Check out Make up or Break up, that was a good book that talked about childhood issues. And I agree with you about trying to be positive, but sometimes you just have to say what you need to. I personally default on the positive because that is the type of person I am, but even last Wednesday I had a screaming match with H, so sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. (My mother gave me some great advice on this: I told her that I was constantly worried whether I was "handling" our situation correctly--Afraid that if I did one approach over the other it may be wrong. She said that H has done so many missteps that it is ok if I do some as well, I just do what my heart feels). I have read so many books and have a lot of information swarming in my head that I believe I am taking that and what my heart believes and just doing.

Do what you need to do, Butterfly. But, I definitely believe in taking the time until you are SURE you are ready to go through w/ D. I know too many people around our ages that jumped ship b/c of parental pressure, internal pressure and are now wondering if it was the right decision to D.

Keep us updated..

[Beth 83]

Oh, and Butterfly, I personally had a QLC too (like you said you went through a mini-MLC).. right after college. Recently, when H and I were reflecting on that, he noted that my constant rejection of him sexually put him off and he built resentment for me on that. It is true, it seems like, even though that was...hmmm 7 years ago, his initiation of sex dwindled so much.

I wonder how your mini-MLC might have affected him?

[txbutterfly]

Thx Beth, yes our sitchs sound similar...I don't know if my H noticed anything was wrong w/ me when I went thru mine...we rarely had sex anyway so I doubt he noticed :p

I appreciate what you said about just doing my best & how H has made his own missteps...ya that's right. If I show some anger now and then, hell, I think I'm entitled, who deserves to go through this? NO ONE, this stinks.

So tomorrow we have our weekly MC session, perhaps he'll try to dump me again at that one, who knows? If that's all it takes for him to dump me again, so be it. The more times it happens, the less I care...which means, the stronger I get. Yay!

[txbutterfly]

Wake up this morning and I feel like I see where this is headed...what I feared most seems to be the sitch...I am going to have to end this M. He won't end it, and he won't commit to it, either. I told C yesterday that "it looks like I'm going to have to do it after all, and I don't want to get a D, it goes against my values". C told me yesterday to consider it NOT as if I'm getting D, but "not able to have a marriage" with H.

It doesn't matter what you call it. I was never the one who wanted to end the M, it was him...and he's tried a couple times & I fell apart...and he came back...but it's gonna be me. I mean, it *could* be him, but I think he's waiting for me to do it. To set him free so he doesn't have to feel guilty about ruining my life. Ba*tard.

And all the while, I am losing more and more of my time, my life to him. I gave it freely while married. But now? I feel like I am giving it to a black hole, throwing my life into a garbage can...waiting for it to be hauled away. This isn't a relationship anymore, I'm giving and getting nothing back. I have a feeling though, that if I ended it, he'd get really pissed & go "live it up" with a bunch of other women, which I don't want of course...and b/c we work together we have SO much contact...I would see and/or hear about it all, I am sure.

I know if I go through with it, I have to be in the right place:
• I am not doing it as a ploy to get him back.
• I can handle the possible consequences of my decision & action.
• I know there is nothing left there for me to go back to.

I think I might call one of the DB coaches soon, never done that & I could use some advice right now. I don't want to bail too early but I also don't want to hang on like this forever.

I HATE this b/c I think there IS still a part of him that does want to be with me, that does love me, that CAN'T imagine me not being in his life. But SO LONG AS there is a part of him that wants to roam free and experiment, I'll never have all of him & THAT ISN'T A RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE. Even if I dumped him & he came crawling back...how would I ever know he was really "back"?

I feel like I should just let him go.
I don't think I can do it without hating his guts though.

[Beth 83]

Definitely talk to one of the DB coaches here. Let us know what happened at MC today and we can talk more. But, remember what Michele said in DR, MLC can take a very long time to come out of. Whenever I question if I should wait any longer or just D, I think about it in the big picture and us at our 25 or 50 year wedding anniversary--what are a couple months right now? You don't have to waste this time "waiting" for him. Really start thinking about ways to improve yourself and help yourself grow. I know, easier said than done...I KNOW. But try and shift your focus on that.