Oops...I forgot about the MC part. It is true that there are lots of bad ones. In general, I think you'll find two groups. The first want to help you get over the M. The second will help you save it. Of course, the difficulty is in distinguishing the former from the latter.
The Divorce Remedy has a couple good sections on this I'd recommend you read. The first is in Chapter One under the heading "Well-Meaning Therapists" (pg 29). The second is at the end of Chapter Six under the heading "The Last-Resort Technique" (pg 131). The former talks about what to avoid and the latter talks about what to look for.
Read both carefully and then start looking for an MC. Do this by yourself and for yourself. Don't include your W at this point and don't tell her about it. Interview these therapists (they should offer a free 15 min. introduction) and quiz them with regard to the things Michele points out. If they're not "solutions oriented", don't conform, or don't want to give an interview, drop 'em and move on to the next.
I recommend choosing an MC of the same gender as the WAS. This sounds counter-intuitive, but I think it's important for this reason: A WAS spouse usually isn't looking at things clearly and a person of the same gender is more likely to call BS on that. It also gives you the opportunity to gain some insight from the other side...so to speak...which, if you're like most LBS, you are in desperate need of.
I also recommend that you select one that is willing to see each of you individually as well as together. Why? Two reasons. First, you need to start going yourself, without your WAW. This is to help you understand the situation, give you an outlet for things you should not be discussing with your WAW yet, and provide professional counsel (the folks here may be great people, but never forget that we have no professional training!).
Second, if your WAW should decide to consider counseling, you have someone who could see her separately. In my opinion, when things are as broken as they are in your case, you're not going to be able to just hop into the process together. That means you will probably need to do separate MC for a while and then transition into joint MC as you make progress.
Finally, if you can do it, try to get an MC that does individual counseling on a regular basis as well (not just willing to in your case). This allows your WAW to look at this as IC at first (even though the goal is, ultimately, MC) and allows you to avoid having the counseling appear to your WAW as a trap back into the M (you'll see how this factors in below).
In sum, here's what I would do. Look for a good MC that values marriage above all else, is future-looking and results-oriented, and concurs with Michele's philosophy on marriage and relationships. Once you find this person, start going yourself. Don't tell your WAW about it at this point. Just do this for you and to deal with the issues you now face (the PA, how to proceed, anger, etc.).
If at some point you have a conversation with your WAW where it would be appropriate and in context to mention that you are seeing a counselor (I wouldn't mention marriage counselor at this point), I would just casually note it. Then let it drop. If she pursues it (either then or at a later date), simply say that you wanted someone to help you understand things better, give you a different perspective on things, help you work through some issues, and bring some good out of the situation by making yourself better (and don't just say this, make sure you're doing it).
If she expresses any interest or curiosity, offer her the name and phone number. Speak well of the person, but don't gush or offer to set anything up. Just say s/he seems nice and has helped you. Then let her pursue it on her own (no questions later about it unless she brings it up first). Once you are both seeing the MC separately, s/he can start working on your issues with the ultimate goal of bringing you both into joint MC. This, however, will take time so don't rush (and don't expect miracles).
Finally, with regard to your WAW's overtures, here's a quote from Ms. Weiner-Davis that seems appropriate for your sitch.: "The general rule of thumb here is to be responsive to your partner's new interest, but not too responsive.... You need to stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your spouse's renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.... Don't move too quickly! It's really important to pace yourselves."
Kiki, OF, thank you so much for writing to me here as well as via emails.
Yes, I'm just going to take this one day at a time.
As for her affair I can't be sure if it was a one time event or multiple but she says it happened only once and she felt terrible about it, she said "I couldn't believe that I could wait for so long and then throw it all away on a stupid whim". Then a day or so later when she found out about the disease she said she was completely devastated and wanted to die. The way she talks about it I feel she's telling the truth, besides it doesn't really matter if it was once or 6 times.
I do have the reason to believe that it happened about a month ago because about a month ago I saw a blue mark on her arm and when I asked her she said it was from the blood sample draw. I didn't ask her more details but I did wonder about it.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
Hi SR- just checking in on you, hope all is well. let us know the latest when you get a chance. i'll also check on you through e-mail. i've been out of pocket for a bit as i've just started a new job in the town where i relocated.
i truly am hoping for the best in your situation, i know how much you want your family back together. it can happen for you, just continue being patient. the road is ALWAYS longer than you ever expected.
Things are going well, we're trying to do little fun things together like picnic and camping but overall we're taking things slow. Our D is so happy to see us hugging together she can't have enough group hugs, it's so cute.
Kiki thanks for the book suggestion about the 5 love languages. I asked my W to order it and read it and she promptly did, I was surprised. Turns out her love languages are the exact opposite of mine!
Me: 1. Physical touch 2. Quality time 3. Acts of service 4. Words of affirmation 5. Receiving gifts
Her: 1. Receiving gifts 2. Words of affirmation 3. Acts of service 4. Quality time 5. Physical touch (ahh no wonder! lol)
But at least we know what lights our fires now...
I've been taking mental notes about what she's missing or what she needs or what she wants for the gifts. I've been giving her nice compliments as well as helping her with minor stuff when I'm at her place.
A couple of weeks ago I asked her to stay over and she did and well I couldn't resist her sleeping next to me. I'm kinda concerned about the whole STD issue but some passionate kissing was all I was looking for. However, she pulled away saying she wasn't ready. I told her I understand and pretended to go to sleep but I couldn't sleep for a long time that night. I kept thinking how can she be not ready for someone that gave her 7 years of his life, a daughter and forgave her for all the stuff she put me through yet she was ready to sleep with some random a-hole when she had a choice to come home? I guess I was being too selfish and self-centered but I couldn't help it. The next day she emailed me saying she was really sorry about the night before and that she just needs to heal both physically and mentally and that she really wants to do all those things again. That made me feel better...that was a few weeks ago but in the last few weeks we actually french kissed a couple of times - of course I had to initiate...like I always did but she didn't pull away.
OK back to rated G programming now.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
Things are going well, we're trying to do little fun things together like picnic and camping but overall we're taking things slow. Our D is so happy to see us hugging together she can't have enough group hugs, it's so cute.
Kiki thanks for the book suggestion about the 5 love languages. I asked my W to order it and read it and she promptly did, I was surprised. Turns out her love languages are the exact opposite of mine!
Me: 1. Physical touch 2. Quality time 3. Acts of service 4. Words of affirmation 5. Receiving gifts
Her: 1. Receiving gifts 2. Words of affirmation 3. Acts of service 4. Quality time 5. Physical touch (ahh no wonder! lol)
But at least we know what lights our fires now...
I've been taking mental notes about what she's missing or what she needs or what she wants for the gifts. I've been giving her nice compliments as well as helping her with minor stuff when I'm at her place.
A couple of weeks ago I asked her to stay over and she did and well I couldn't resist her sleeping next to me. I'm kinda concerned about the whole STD issue but some passionate kissing was all I was looking for. However, she pulled away saying she wasn't ready. I told her I understand and pretended to go to sleep but I couldn't sleep for a long time that night. I kept thinking how can she be not ready for someone that gave her 7 years of his life, a daughter and forgave her for all the stuff she put me through yet she was ready to sleep with some random a-hole when she had a choice to come home? I guess I was being too selfish and self-centered but I couldn't help it. The next day she emailed me saying she was really sorry about the night before and that she just needs to heal both physically and mentally and that she really wants to do all those things again. That made me feel better...that was a few weeks ago but in the last few weeks we actually french kissed a couple of times - of course I had to initiate...like I always did but she didn't pull away.
OK back to rated G programming now.
Be VERY CAREFULL. It doesn't sound to me like she is through with this stuff yet. (MLC I mean)
Yeah you may be right and I am being careful in that I know there're no guarantees but I don't really have a choice. I'll try my best to make this work. I'll give her what she needs and what she felt was missing from our relationship i.e.
1. compliments - I was bad at this because it seemed corny to me to compliment her on her great looks or sexy outfits or her smarts and qualities all the time
2. gifts - I used to buy big gifts for her two or three times a year, what she wants is little things more often
She has been making concerted efforts to make me happy and to care about things that are important to me. She calls, even when I don't, to ask if she could come over to hang out with us after work. She tries to be playful and funny, she lies down next to me and hugs me when we're putting D down for a nap, she helps prepare dinner, she puts stuff away at my house like D's clothes, dishes from the dish washer etc.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
All sounds good to me. It's not over by a long shot (so don't get too eager too early), but it's movement in the right direction...and that's great.
Don't want to beat a dead horse, but I hope you've been working on finding a good counselor (if you don't already have one) and are making plans to start seeing him/her yourself. It may seem like you can just kind of ease back into things, but this is a fallacy. There are some key underlying issues that led up to your crisis and you will both (though you'll probably have to start) have to deal with them at some point. Having a professional help each of you do that constructively will help you avoid, rather than repeat, the mistakes of the past.
I'm so pleased that things are at least starting to look up. Just don't rush it (and give her the time to initiate some things on her own that she normally wouldn't).
OF, as always thanks for the advice. I need to find a counselor I like, so far I haven't had much luck.
I hope you're doing well. I'm gonna go see if I can find your latest thread.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
I need to find a counselor I like, so far I haven't had much luck.
It can be a difficult and frustrating experience, but getting a good one is so important. I'm praying you will find one that is thoughtful, wise, and dedicated to marriage. You might consider looking at Christian counselors. It's not a guarantee they're any good, but at least they are more likely to believe in the value of marriage.
SR- how are things going? hope your christmas was light and that D got what she wanted from santa. have thought about you a lot lately, and wonder how you are. give an update, either on here or through e-mail.
