Hi, new here and my H is in MLC at 32.

[txbutterfly]

Here is a link to my thread over on the Newcomers board. My Story

I do think my H is going through MLC at 32. Any advice for me? I'd truly appreciate it. He doesn't "want" me sexually anymore & hasn't for a long time (he says) but says he loves me more than anyone in his whole life, will never love anyone the way he does me, etc. We're separated but we still have dinner together a couple of nights a week, he hugs me goodbye & last night he kissed me on the cheek for the first time in months. He tells me how cute I am (but then says he can't fig out why not dying to have sex with me). I am trying to focus on being his friend right now so he feels safe to open up to me emotionally again (we had bad fights before & he did not feel safe with me). Also NOT to pressure him, which is REALLY hard for me.
We are in MC and have been for about 2 months now, with what I'd say is about a 5% improvement. It is SLOW. I think most help has come from me being patient and open to listen without overreaction or judgment.

How much do I read into his positive behavior, when he still won't recommit to the M (yet) and keeps saying he doesn't see me "that way"? It kills me to hear him say that. I know I don't look at him as a major sex object after all these years...I guess I subscribe to the "do it, then I'll feel it" philosophy, rather than "feel it, then I'll want to do it"....but it still hurts like hell to hear your own H say that to you.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hell Butterfly seems like you have a good grip on this.

What do you need from us?

Check out the resources at the top of the MLC boards.
DO NOT:
1) put much faith in the timeline, you'll get hurt.
2) Try to figure out what stage your H is in, those stages are not 1,2,3,4,5,6 and done.
They are 2,1,4,2,3,4,5,6,3,1,1,2,3,4 ad nasuem.

Any aspects or ways of coping you are having difficulties with?

Read into it nothing. Zero expectaions are what will keep you sane.

[txbutterfly]

Some other weird things he says now:

• Scared to recommit to the M because he "does not know what we are capable of". Says he "wants" to be with me and doesn't "want" a divorce, but what we had was not good enough & he doesn't "know what we're capable of". Doesn't seem able to accept the idea that if you "want" to be with someone then you do it - you make it work. (this is my view anyhow)

• ILYBINILWY
• I don't know
• I miss you, love you, would *die* for you (But he can't recommit to the M??!)
• When I think of not being with you I can't breathe, I have panic attacks
• Scared about throwing our lives away on a "mediocre" marriage (it has been mediocre, I agree, but whereas I am motivated to improve it with C and focused effort, he is scared to invest more AND scared to throw away the good there)
• We've never had the physical connection we should have, must be chemistry
• I don't have the strength to go through this again (separation, almost D), if we stay together, that's it for me. (romantic, huh?)

Even if this REALLY IS a MLC....how will I EVER know if he's really "into" me if we stay together?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Sounds like MLC to me but I am not a professional.
"I do not know what I want."

[txbutterfly]

Thanks Jack!
Helps to have a little pat on the back. I need all the encouragement I can get. I am really struggling b/c I am worried about him/his mental & emotional health....but I am also worried about my own & my poor heart is breaking. I truly do love this man, messed up as he is. Not sure how LONG I can really hang on, ya know?? I'm 32 (almost 33) and wanted us to start a family....so did he before his MLC hit....now I don't know WHAT to do. May end up divorced & have to find someone else.

...and I almost forgot the latest additions to his list:

• I don't know who I am
• I need to find myself
• I'm not ready to be your H, I think I'd need a year on my own to figure out who I am. Then it's possible when I "am" ready, you will have moved on and met someone else. But ultimately I want us both to be happy, so if that means losing you and my possibly ending up alone, then maybe that is just what is meant to be.

The "I'm not ready for you, it's just timing" thing blows my mind - we've BEEN married 8 years!!!! How are you not ready???? AAARGGGH. These statements are just such nonsense. It really is as if he's been abducted by aliens.

[Was2sad]

5% improvement is huge when compared to fast track D!!

Baby steps add up. Before jumping into trying something new in hopes of faster outcome, study what got you 5% and keep that going.

You are right about him seeing you happily GAL having an affect. Clinging to him when he can't provide himself his own happiness just steals his strength. Make your happiness yourself. Show it at work, and at dinner with him. But, he won't recognize your happiness until you do. Do it. Don't fake it. If you aren't making yourself happy with your own life, the MLCer will smell a lie. That makes things worse. That is dishonest treachery. So do it. Live for yourself and let him watch how it is done right.

Celebrate the 5% like it was the Super Bowl. You don't have kids so don't be at home. Get out and enjoy friends. Have witnesses that your aren't dating. But have a blast with others. Show them who is happy and who is not. Your H will not need to be told. He will smell happiness and want in on it.

But you need to learn the ancient art of Patience Patience Patience. The fact that you two are even attending MC puts you way down the road to a better M.

[txbutterfly]

Thanks Was2Sad. I will celebrate.
I do think that staying with what I was doing so far (patience, non-judgmental listening, no expectations) seems to be helping. Now I know I need to work on my GAL.

I really like what you said here:
"Live for yourself and let him watch how it is done right."

I never thought about maybe being an example for him, rather than "preaching" to him how it is done. I realize I talk WAAY too much, and don't ACT. My talk has been cheap over the years. I know, I need to be an example for ME first...but I am sad for him that he is so totaly lost in his life.

He had a bad childhood & little emotional connection with his dad (I hear these are warning signs for later MLC), not much social life in school, I was his first "real" girlfriend and we've been together 11 years, married 8! So I was always kindof the "leader" in the R, only now he's taken the wheel and driven us through HELL...sigh.

How to have some control without BEING controlling....that is the question. Thanks guys, already feel better just venting a bit!

[Was2sad]

Along with his childhood, you mentioned other major triggers to MLC; or QLC for those from around 27 to mid thirty "Quarter Life Crisis". These include perceived peak in career or sliding of career, new responsibility of fatherhood and provider, along with plain old passing of youth.

This is about him facing a change in life stages and not being ready ... it is moving too fast. He has not yet completed his last life stage (Youth or later, First Adulthood) and is unprepared by his raising. You can help yourself by reading all you can get your hands on. Understanding the Mid Life Crisis by Peter O'Conner (out of print but try Amazon or library) along with Surviving Your Husbands MLC by the late Sally Conway.

First adulthood is when the new M and new job and new house and new kids get started. Life becomes routine and peaceful for a time. Unless one is not prepared and encounters a QLC. This is not as severe as a MLC. One who completes a QLC becomes at peace with life and rarely repeats later in MLC. QLC has been described as the college grad who gets out ready to conquer the world but was not done playing around in school. Too much sudden responsibility. Or maybe they feel they M too young and started a family they don't know how to be responsible for. They see others who aren't burdened this way.

Second adulthood and MLC usually involve the job peaking and young guns are getting promoted. The house is a burden and the kids don't need the parent so much. The inner soul cries out "What about me!!!" Life is passing me by too quick. Often this is triggered by that significant emotional event ... loss of loved one, job, or close friend. Something makes them face their postponed mortality and they fight with all they have.

This is often when the women use their new reading glasses to look in the mirror at those little wrinkles and new "laugh lines". Men see a larger belly and less hair. They all see other people being the center of attention and flirting. They feel horribly low self esteem. They want that attention from others to validate their life. Of course some just don't even know what all the internal turmoil is about and only know they need to go hide in a small room to think, for a long time ... till the storm passes.

They reflect all their turmoil on you, blame you because you are the closest person to the center of the storm, it must be your fault. Intentionally or not ... they destroy you and bring your esteem down to their level because you love them that much.

You must learn the importance of loving yourself more than to let this happen to you. The long road to recovery from that damage is more than any of us deserve. And here we are.

[Dom R]

Hi.
i scanned through your story that you linked. thanks.

it does not sound like this is neccessarily"mlc" to me.
(if so, be very glad)

it sounds like "standard affair". Which was in some ways triggered by your problems prior.


According to some standards on this, your husband is going through a "withdrawal" phase. he's been on a "high" of being in this affair, and now he's crashing. he will have no joy for a few months, life is so dreary, yada yada yada.

Just hang in there. withdrawal state allegedly lasts for 3-6 months.
Dont push him for commitment right now.

You might want to read/post more on the infidelity topic. dunno.

[txbutterfly]

Thanks all - H did not "technically" have an A...more like a crush or infatuation. From what he has told me (which could def be a watered down version) there was never talk of them "hooking up" and he says he never talked about our M to her (which would have been a connection point for them)...I dunno.

But it was serious enough to send him into a major weight loss, name change and M separation/talk of divorce. Oh and we did file D papers (I filed but only bc he wanted to at the time).

Just FYI, not sure if that changes anything or not!