Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[LoginName]

wow, ouch. Maybe true. Not like I haven't thought it. Hopefully, I'll be able to post a success story, but you may be right. I think I'm prepared for it, if so.

[LoginName]

Thanks Cat,
You haven't given up, despite 2 bombs ( I always expected another bomb. It hasn't happened yet, and I'm starting to let me guard down in that area, so...). NCPlayer may be right. I'm not ready to give up yet though.

We'll keep on living, doing, DBing, cause it's good, and right. GAL, PMA, own your life, come what may. Eeeeee Haw!

[LoginName]

Hey NCplayer,
What's your story? I don't see a link to your stuff on your post. Your signature thing says "hoping", what are you hoping for?

[LoginName]

And, hey, I forgot to ask, how did you find my thread and why did you post? Was there something that struck a chord with you?

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Login,

yes my H is affectionate. Actually more so than me, which is something I need to work on. At times the affection is sort of oddly juxtaposed with other things. Hard to explain but almost makes me feel as if he's insensitive or clueless. A close friend died last week and I gotta admit I was feeling down and still am. Better, but still sad. Not in the mood if you kwim. Not a big deal, and something I can behave differently with as well. So, moving on...

I need to refresh why YOU have the son and an apartment, and she has the daughter and a house...but until I do, I can sure see why you'd feel down. Your family has been cut in half. What is your wife like with your son? Doesn't she feel torn?

Also, letting her face the consequences and "lying in the bed she made", etc., does Not mean you're being vindictive if you do it in a way that is detached. Let the cards fall where they may. If she changes her heart or mind, and lets you know, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. By GAL NOW, you'll be better prepared for whatever happens.

As for the D, and its' cost---as soemone else said here, it depends more on the property and custody issues than just getting the marital status changed. Even uncontested divorces can be costly IF the "REAL" issues and debates are about property division and kids. So it's not the actual D that gets expensive, its' the "little details...."

As for moving your son, what about staying in the same school district? We moved here and d10 is in a school as much like her old one as possible, given the huge difference geographically. As in the demographics/socioeconomics are similar more or less. And so she has blended in well. BUT She still misses California, and so do I.

My job is... odd, guys. I mean, it's going really well in the sense that they want to promote me (I started 8 weeks ago) and I'm already being paid twice what I earned before....you'd think I'd be delighted right? But I don't want to live here so I hate the foggying up of issues by actually being tempted, you know? Plus, h's job is not paying him what he was expecting and was told to expect. It's kind of like they are compensating "us" by paying me more, and I'm the reluctant one. H WANTED to live here and work with these guys. Plus, I'm finding lots of poorly done documenting of things, badly written contracts, incorrectly done filings with the state, etc.....NOT FUN as a L. GIves me a stomach ache, literally. THe good news is, I know it's just a job.

I want to teach/coach actors again, and direct, as I did in LA. It pays off and on, and often now well. But I loved it, it gives me joy. H commented about how lousy the pay was and seemed to poo poo my plan. I really resented that. His choices have cost us a fortune in lost income, the move, the lack of his expectations being fulfilled, etc. Not to mention the "personal" cost. Yeah, so I wanted to slap his face off. I didn't.

I can only imagine what you felt like when your w said she made a mistake moving...."but" .....but what?? What on earth does she tell your son? OMG,how can he not feel horrible? My friend who died last week, suddenly, (seemed healthy as heck and in shape, striking looking, happily married, etc etc ) had 4 kids, including one son. He's 11 and wrote the most touching letter to her about her kindness and what a role model she was for him....she'll be a hard act to follow for any woman who dates the widower, or later on dates when the boy dates. Thing is, her kids KNOW she loved them....she's gone, but they KNOW how important they were to her. I read somewhere that most great mean trace their greatness in large part to genuinely feeling loved by their mothers. I hope your son can feel this way. It's not impossible, and I'm sending prayers to you on that.

Ahh the move and your son....again the move. I have to say, mostly it sucks but YOUR attitude does matter. The whole adventure part of it, like if his room is bigger, better view, closer to the movies, or if he gets a DVD player in the room, or something visibly like ....bribery!! Yep, guess why? Because it works! The renting does sound better to me, IMO, because you and your son will retain the "right" to change your minds, and this way, he'll feel a sense of choice in this matter, even if it's an illusion, and not nearly the issue he wishes he had a choice about. With the housing market nationally, missing out on a few months of equity might well be worth it. Kind of like insurance in case you don't like the area, you'll exit smoothly.
If you do like it, you and your son can decide to buy but take that step more gradually, together even. Spaces out the changes in his life.


Hey, fyi in case I never told you, I have two relatives who divorced and remarried their former spouses. It happens. Both M's had kids, so some contact was always maintained at least on occasion, and both M's were better the 2nd time around. But yeah, the whole divorce went through, they were sad, then "free". As for one sitch, my uncle was at a family function my aunt was also attending. They chatted, and he asked her outright, "are you happier now?" and she said "no" and rather than him gloating, they resumed a friendship, built on it, and remarried. He died years later with his wife and kids at his bedside.

Give it all time, and be open to the possibility of love with someone else. Later. You are not ready and even if you were ready, your son is not. Here is one thing I am sure of and discussed with my t. IF I ever were to date again, I'd be very discreet about it at the start, and I doubt my kids would even know until I knew I'd met someone special. For me, that takes more than 2 dates...After some months, if I believed more likely than not that I could commit to the man, I'd introduce him and the kids would have veto power (assuming they had a reason). my t said if the kids have a reason (as opposed to wanting your ex to come back and pretend all was well, or something you have no control over, or they hate "tall" men, etc.) to reject the New "candidate", cross him off the list b/c it's pretty damn hard to be happy if your kids and new spouse don't connect. Period.

I recall a client telling me she was crazy about her new h and he was a "great guy, except not with the kids, ..." and I interrupted her "How can he be a great guy if he doesn't get along with your kids?" HELLO???? Shockingly, they later divorced...he married a woman without kids.

Your wife sounds as if she gets this, at least. In fact, she sounds so much more rational and innately sane (COMPARED to the other WASs' around here, that is) I do see your sitch as positive in that sense.

She wanted space, give it to her. I just can't grasp the custody deal, or whether it's a consolation prize, Solomon solution or what? Don't the kids miss each other? Are they siblings or from other M's? I can't imagine splitting the kids up, except it's better than not having either, I GUESS....not sure. I mean, what is best for the kids might be having remained in their home, keeping as much as possible the same...why max out the changes and stresses?
I know, I know, NOT your choice...
Their Good grades now is a good thing, but by no means "proof" that their hearts are not broken. Don't get me wrong, good grades and an upbeat attitude beats sullen misery anyday. Just saying this is all new to them as well. Reassure both of them of your love as much as possible. It's one thing you CAN do now that will reap rewards later, and is the right thing to do.

((hugs))
j-

[LoginName]

so, I'm tired, I'm feeling a little weird, mixed. We had a breakthrough a couple of evenings ago. Yay.

She called me. She told me her feelings for me were back; she loves me, she misses me.

I sent her a 5 page email that I had been working on, concerning what I thought, felt, and asking her what she was thinking and feeling. She read it, it made her cry, she loved it. We have started, perhaps, really talking.

So the next couple of days, she has called me at least twice a day (used to be we'd talk every other day or less). She says I love you everytime.

Yay! The core of DB works; GAL, PMA, detach, give her space.

but I've mixed feelings. What happened? I feel relieved. I feel I can breath easier, or at least differently. But maybe I was getting used to being alone, thinking of myself as alone. Maybe I enjoyed the flirting that happened, the possibilities. I'm a nervouse about facing the new stage with the new problems and issues. I think I enjoyed thinking of myself as special, facing such a huge problem bravely, somehow important.

I'm worried about living with her again, when it happens. Will she find my snoring, habits, morning breath too much to deal with? Will she judge me and find me lacking and think she made another mistake? Will I? I mean, she stacks the dishwasher all wrong! It's nice living alone and not worrying what anyone else thinks - just doing what you want how you want to.

And will demaens rear their ugly heads? What if I see something that reminds me of last october and the OM? She finds it hard to believe I'm not super angry and hurt by that. Of course, I am, but not nearly as much as she thinks. If I show any anger or hurt, will she run off and say "see, I can never make it up to you, you can never forgive me"?

We had sex issues. Will we ever ML again? Will I think of the OM and what they did? Worse, I worry we'll go back to the loveless and affectionless marriage we had (it wasn't devoid of love and affection, but not what I wanted and felt I needed). What if I don't find her very attractive, or she me?

To sum, she said ILY! She wants to be with me. I'm happy, and scared. The work never stops. I think this stage may be harder than the one that is just ending.

Hope you're all doing well. I feel a little guilty that I'm having some success while so many are struggling and in real pain. I hope that my success (hopefully not fleeting success) gives others hope. Maybe I can try to help others more now.

take care y'all

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Login,

this "PIecing" IS much harder than expected. ALL the feelings you described are ones I relate to. OMG,seriously.

At some point we started kind of "making it" on our own, and then they want back in and things are not the same. Prepare yourself (and her if you can) for the fact tht adjusting will take time. But keep in mind that there were issues you do Not want to repeat,and in truth she doesn't either. Make sure some things, even little things, are going to be different for you. Small, but visible things, are a good start.

like letting her pack the dishwasher "wrong", etc...And btw, get something for morning breath, and while you're at it, tell me how to tell my h to stop eating pizza/Italian food at work b/c every night I deal with that silently. I have a sensitive nose and love cologne on men. It affectsmy attraction level to him and I think he senses that but if I were to tell him, he'd be bugged, so I'm kind of stuck with that.

Anyhow, welcome to Piecing and read up the posts there. You'll find lots of help. And of course, try hard to remember to be grateful that our problems are in fixing our marriages, and many many others here never get this chance.
j-

[cat03]

oh LN!!!! i'm so happy for you

1- Will she find my... habits.. too much to deal with?
LN, that's peanuts, your habits are part of you, she accepted the whole package/deal

2-What if I see something that reminds me of last october...
Chances are you will (I have to drive everyday to work on a street parallel to ow's home), then you say to yourself "I have slay this deamon already, it hurt, but now it is over)
-f I show any anger or hurt, will she run off...
It is normal to show hurt, just make sure you do it in a constructive way, without reproaching her, this way she can simpatize w/you without feeling attacked.

3-We had sex issues... affectionless marriage...
Well, begin from first base, make it a point of kissing her and hugging her. Ask her what she likes, make new memories with her. No assumptions, lay it out in the open, tell her how attactive you find her (we love to hear that all the time btw ) and tell her how you want to begin a new loving R.

Smiling for you now

[LoginName]

I was having a conversation on another's thread about love being a choice, and what that meant. I had this idea I wanted to share, but couldn't find the posts on that other thread, so I'll put it here.

Here is my idea. Choice only exists if the options are known to the person and that person believes they are real, viable options for them.

This idea started for me years ago while in the Navy. I met an Air Force Captain at a conference. He was of cuban decent, and from the Miami area. He told me that he was raised in the slums, spoke spanish, listened to spanish radio, watched spanish TV, billboards were in spanish, and he did not see anyway out of the slum and the life he knew there. Then, somehow, he was exposed to the option of joining the military. He said until then, sometime in High school I think, he had no idea that there was a military and that he could join it. He did join, bettered his life, worked up to officer, got out of the slums.

The point there for me was, the military was not a choice for him until he knew about it.

Then later, I started to see that even if a person knew of the option and the opportunity, if they didn't believe it would work for them, it still didn't really exist as an option, and there still was no real choice. If that AF Capt had thought that there was no way the AF would take him, or that he couldn't pass the physical, etc., than the AF would not be an option for him, and he may still be in the slums.

So our spouses and love: We say love is a choice, but our spouses may not believe it, or they may not believe it's an option for them. They may believe that they aren't worthy of love, that they can't be forgiven, that love doesn't really exist, or that even if the chose love, they can't achieve it. My wife was worried that she was somehow broken, damaged, and couldn't love.

So we need to help them see that love is a choice, and a viable, do-able option. We can forgive them. Love is real. They are worthy of love. We need to make that choice available to them. I guess,even if they learn and believe love is a choice, they may not chose it, but that's better than never making the choice, IMHO.

Love is a choice, but only if the person sees it as a real option, and one that they can acheive.

I think, from reading other posts, that Retrovaille (sp) can help people see the choice is real, as can MC,and IC, and personal example.

Good luck y'all. Hope y'all see all the options that are there for making our lives better, and that we all make the right choices.

[LoginName]

Here is something that has kind of surprised me. Now that my W "loves" me,and tells me she wants to be with me,I'm a little confused.

This morning, I'm imagining what it would be like to have the W in the house, to have her back, and I'm thinking "I'm more comfortable now without her. This is nice. Why do I want her here? Will it be like it was - which wasn't that great? Why do any two people want to be together? We've had kids, so we've procreated. What other purpose is there?"

Our MC talked a little about true intimacy, and how we can work toward that. Not really understanding what that means, it's hard for me to say I want it. Did my W and I have it at one time, and lose it? See my other post this morning about choice. Can I chose intimacy if I don't know what it is or if it's even possible?

This is my philosophical side. I've learned to trust my instincts more. My instincts say to enjoy the ride and let it grow naturally, not try to control it. That's what I'll do. But, the doubt is there. What if M is just a comfortable couple living together, who may occasionally ML? Is that all there is? If not, what is the alternative like? Can someone describe it?