What do I do with her?

[Mike is Hurtin']

I'm struggling with this decision now. I've only been at this for three months, but it seems like an eternity. It terrifies me that I could keep this up for years and still not get the results we both desire. She has been really distant for the last few weeks and I suspect that she has started talking with the OG again. I'm on the fence as to what my decision should be, but I'm starting to lean towards filing.

I have been on the fence about this too. It's tempting to hire someone to get a little bit more information ...

... but in the end, will it really change anything? I *know* there's something going on between my W and OG. Will more details actually change my course of action, or am I only going to upset myself more by filling in more of the blanks?

I'm not sure if the same logic applies to your situation ... but at this point, I don't think knowing more about the actual details of my W's affair will help me make better decisions.

Cheers,
-- Mike

[hopeforfuture]

... but in the end, will it really change anything? I *know* there's something going on between my W and OG. Will more details actually change my course of action, or am I only going to upset myself more by filling in more of the blanks?

I'm not sure if the same logic applies to your situation ... but at this point, I don't think knowing more about the actual details of my W's affair will help me make better decisions.

A month ago, W supposedly ended relations and speaking to OG. For a week or two, she was onboard with fixing things and moving forward. She has since started moving in the opposite direction which is why I suspect the contact is continuing. Sordid details I don't need to know, but I think knowing the facts helps to explain some the WAS's actions. To you point though, there are enough small bits of evidence along with my gut feeling to tell me what is really going on.

[Mike is Hurtin']

A funny tidbit:

W and I were on a family plan for our cell phones ... why she would use this cell phone to make calls to OG is beyond me, but she did. I have phone bills going back to June showing their calls - sometimes upwards of five times a day.

Anwyays, W finally put her brain cells together and got her own cell phone account last week. Yesterday, I received my last phone bill that would have her on there - and her calls to him totaled over $100.

Of course, my first instinct is to go pound his head in and to give her the chastising she deserves ... but I didn't. I calmly emailed her a PDF of the phone bill and told her that her share was $108.08 (this was to-the-penny correct - I'm not going to gouge her).

As expected, she called me about an hour later and sheepishly told me that she would write me a check to cover that. Honestly, it was pitiful to listen to her - stumbling through this with as much pride and dignity as she could muster.

She actually wanted to drive over and give me the check, but I told her that I already had a date with some friends at the gym (again, I was being entirely truthful) and that she could either mail it to me or come by later in the week when I *might* have some free time.

This GAL advice that everyone gave me feels fantastic. I can tell that she's getting a bit curious about my "new" life, and I'm enjoying being as politely vague about it as I possibly can.

After all - she wanted her space, right? She's got it.

-- Mike

A month ago, W supposedly ended relations and speaking to OG. For a week or two, she was onboard with fixing things and moving forward. She has since started moving in the opposite direction which is why I suspect the contact is continuing.

I, unfortunately, had a very similar experience a couple of weeks ago - W was out of town, didn't take to OM the whole time she was away, and came back and wanted to keep things going with she and I. A couple of days later, after she was back at work with OM, she reverted back to her angry and confused state.

So many of these As are so tightly wound that they have to just fall apart at some point. Who knows what your W is getting from OM, or how she is behaving with him, but I'd be surprised if it lasts for a long time.

[Mike is Hurtin']

So many of these As are so tightly wound that they have to just fall apart at some point. Who knows what your W is getting from OM, or how she is behaving with him, but I'd be surprised if it lasts for a long time.

God only knows I've spent an eternity thinking about this ... but I think that, as the victims of this adultery, we're trying to impose too much logic on something that departed from logic a long, long time ago.

The affair is exciting. It has the "spark" of new romance, discovery and passion, just as any new relationship does. It also has the "danger" element in that it's forbidden and taboo. That's enough to get most people pretty excited.

That said, I can understand why it gets so tightly wound. Who wouldn't want to be in the throws of that excitement? As the victims, most of us have a hard time imagining that - but that's largely because we're in our own personal hell right now, and there isn't a whole lot that would seem exciting at this point.

Who knows how long it will last? My W and OG are in the middle of *something*, and it'll last as long as it lasts. Instead of worrying about their little fling, I'm trying my best to focus on me right now. Working out at the gym, eating better, fixing up the house, and paying attention to my puppy dog. And I'm not hesitating to spend time with other people (under no false pretenses, mind you).

GAL. It's the best advice anyone ever gave me. That, and my mother's wise words: "take one positive step every day". We're all going through a lot, and there's no point in trying to move a mountain in one day. When you get to the end of each day, make sure you can look back and see one positive step in your life.

Cheers,
-- Mike

[NCplayer]

Mike, are things any better?? I check this message board now and then...when you around her, don't act happy...your not...don't spend time with her unless she really wants to be there. You will be wasting your time if she is still communicationing, meeting her lover....

She will confuse you and keep your world in turmoil because you'd like things to be "the same" again and she only knows she wants to be with her new lover and nothing else! She will take complete advantage of you if she knows you want it to all work out....that will actually give her the power to continue the EA, I promise.

She has convinced herself that you are the devil, otherwise the cognitive dissonance of having a great husband and a new lover would drive her insane. I can't tell you how many times I told my wife, "I'm not the devil" after she had given me that "look" one more time!

Keep us posted. thx.

[Larrynarry]

Mike.. you are doing GREAT!!!!

I had the cell issue as well. My W went over her minutes and I was paying the bill. I printed everything out (over 200 text messages and LOTS of calls to OM) I told her I got about a day or two in before I quit looking in disgust. I told her she could figure it out.

Funny thing... she expected me to pay the bill. Yeah.. she's that crazy!!

[Mike is Hurtin']

NCPlayer: I'm starting to come to that conclusion on my own. Right now I'm in the "angry" stage, and there's nothing I'd like more than to show her the misery she's putting me through.

She called me on Tuesday night and wanted to come over to get a few things, and to drop off a check for the cell phone bill. I told her I was busy that night, and that I *might* have time later in the week to meet with her. This is the first time I've brushed off her attempt to get together with me, and I'm happy to keep doing that for a while. After all - why should she be privy to my life and the things I'm doing? It's none of her damn business.

I'm starting to come out of my own fog on my feelings towards her. The grief, anger and sadness is slowly being replaced with a general feeling of disappointment. I'm far from the "perfect" husband, but I don't think anyone deserves this type of treatment either. W is an intelligent and thoughtful and capable of tremendous love and compassion. I know, because I've seen it for 10+ years.

She's a better woman than the one being portrayed by this behavior, and I'm disappointed that she would stoop to these lows.

OG *may* seem like a wonderful person to her right now, but he's already demonstrated that he'll have a relationship with a married woman - not the type of person I'd want in my social circle. I've seen enough of him to know that she's better than someone like that.

W is normally a tremendously loyal and trusting person. I'm disappointed that she's lied to her friends, her family and her husband. I'm also curious to know what lies she's told OG about everything that's going on. He is well aware of the fact that she's married, but one can only wonder what lies (either "active" lies or lies of omission) he's been fed, too. Disclaimer - knowing what I've deducted about OG, I really don't care about him enough to care about the lies he's been fed about me, and about my relationship with my wife.

W told me that there was nothing going on between her and OG, and she had the audacity to tell me that **I** have to trust her. I'm disappointed that she can't be woman enough to trust me with the truth.

Most of all, I'm disappointed that she would throw away what has otherwise been a fruitful, productive and largely happy marriage over what amounts to a silly crush and some easily solvable problems between us. In the 10 years that W and I have been in a relationship, she completed a postgraduate program (largely through my support), we moved 7 times (including two cross-country moves and one international move), supported each other through career lows and celebrated the career highs, traveled across four continents, and introduced each other to a myriad of new interests and fascinations. Material wealth isn't any sort of barometer for happiness, but we've achieved a level of financial stability that many people would die for, and we did it through nothing less than hard work and determination. Translation: we built a *lot* together, and she's systematically throwing it away.

And hey - if she's found the love of her life, then more power to her. I already told her that I'm man enough to shake OG's hand if he's truly "the one" that makes her happy. I just hope she's woman enough to trust me with the truth (whatever that is).

Cheers,
-- Mike

[LL44]

I'm far from the "perfect" husband, but I don't think anyone deserves this type of treatment either. W is an intelligent and thoughtful and capable of tremendous love and compassion.

We are all far from perfect, but you are right on by saying no one deserves this. If they were so unhappy, they should have had the nerve to leave us before anything happened.

I too, had cell phone issues. $400 bill the month the bomb dropped out of the sky. You think 5 calls a day were bad.......

I understand your anger and chaotic feelings going away and is followed with disappointment. That is perfectly worded. I am there with you.

[Mike is Hurtin']

I too, had cell phone issues. $400 bill the month the bomb dropped out of the sky. You think 5 calls a day were bad.......

Sadly, this began before the bomb was dropped.

W and I went on vacation to Seattle and Vancouver last August. Shortly after getting back I got a $240 cell phone bill - thanks to a few large calls W made from Canada. I asked her about this and she played innocent; said that she was helping a friend through some problems back home and she didn't realize how international roaming worked ...

... I let it go, of course, because I had no reason to suspect something was going on. It was only after the bomb dropped a few weeks later that I went back and read the bill a little closer ... and realized that she was calling OG - on our vacation.

I said it before, and I'll say it again. For the smart girl that she is, W was pretty dumb about her affair.

-- Mike