My weekend was very nice--H did many nice things for my birthday, took me on a quick overnight trip, arranged for sitters on Saturday (a FIRST!), organized a family cake-and-ice-cream party.
So he's doing a lot of nice things, and I'm starting to fall off the wagon with what-ifs and should-haves.
There is a part of me that, for whatever reason, has a hard time believing that anyone would hurt or lie to me. I don't know if it's naivete or denial, but it's there, and I think I need to be careful of letting my natural trusting nature lull me into a false sense of security. Ya'll know the story of the frogs in the pot of water.
On the way home from our little getaway last night, the full implication of an episode from six months ago hit me. I don't know why I didn't get it before now, maybe it's because H has not traveled alone since then and he was talking about needing to go again soon.
The last time he went on a work trip, he had been gone for a week or so when he gave me a story I've heard many times before: "x happened, so it looks like I'll be here over the weekend instead of heading out tomorrow." Alarm bells went off in my head, but I let it go, telling myself that I can't be worried about what he's doing all the time. The next day, acting on a gut feeling, I flew to his city to see what he was up to. I followed him around for a day, followed him to OW's home, watched him get in a car and drive with her to a mall. All the while, he's calling me, chatting and being silly. He called me more times that day than he ever has. I don't know for sure if anything more than a trip to the mall happened. It could have been as simple as that, it could have been an all-weekend sex-fest. Either way, he definitely was not behaving faithfully.
So anyway, I don't know why it didn't really knock me over until now, but I just realized that all the calling was about him trying to throw me off, put me at ease, make me think that everything was fine, that he was being faithful.
I'm a big girl. I know he's going to do what he's going to do. I know it's got to be my choice to forgive and move forward. And really, I have. But what if he's just laying low for awhile and trying to get me settled down so he can resume his double lifestyle?
What if, what if, what if?
I know I need to let go of the past. Letting go does not mean forgetting and setting myself up for repeated trauma though. I need to get my head wrapped around healthy boundaries and consequences.
I guess I just needed to get it out of my system. Blech.
oh honey, I so know what you feel! my skin crawls too when my H has to stay over night and I find myself wondering "what if he is staying over somewhere else?" It is hard to feel safe after all the lying. We have lots of negative history to eradicate from our hearts, it will stay on our brains but we don't have to let those memories rob us of the good memories we can make now.
Yea,those what ifs are like lying snakes, just laying there, waiting for us to have a good say to mess with us. Because we are vulnerable, because we are choosing to open our hearts again, old scars get a bit restless.
Hope you feel better hon, and vent here any time))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Aud, It always warms my heart to hear the good things your H is doing for you and you are ACCEPTING them. That is a major step because again your hands are the ones that are clean.
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I followed him around for a day, followed him to OW's home, watched him get in a car and drive with her to a mall. All the while, he's calling me, chatting and being silly. He called me more times that day than he ever has. I don't know for sure if anything more than a trip to the mall happened. It could have been as simple as that, it could have been an all-weekend sex-fest. Either way, he definitely was not behaving faithfully.
Ouch! No matter how one looks at this, it is a barb. An unjust barb at that. Whatever happened makes little difference. You are one smart lady and don't need anything from this barren mind to guide you. I just want to say I'm sorry you had to witness that. As far as the "what if's" in my experience they become "what now's" IF YOU LATCH ONTO THEM. I realize quite well the "release" needing to be expelled on this board. Anytime Aud, we are all here. There is no possible way to relive the trauma, because you are now equipped with "the your life" switch....you can push it anytime and it will be HIS choice waht to do from there..
My thoughts are with you Aud (what little I could collect) if you need them. I trust you and your judgement on making this either spilled crumbs or a fall platter of food....peace
Thanks for sharing your kind words with me. It is nice to be able to vent without fear of blowing everything apart.
The choice to move on and heal is mine--as is the choice to sit motionless and wallow in my hurts. And it's normal to deal with flash-backs--PTSD?
Anyway, nothing new happening beyond trying to deal with the sheer mountain of to-dos looming ahead of me. They're good for keeping my mind on other things at least.
I keep coming back to the fact that for my sanity, my choice is to keep walking forward, do the best I can and leave the rest to God. Keep my eyes open, be smart, and work on the boundary stuff. I ordered a new book about it...it's on backorder, but I'm looking forward to learning some new skills and hoping they'll work for all areas of my life.
I think it was on the NJF book, but what we go through is almost , if not 100%, PTSD, so it is understandable. I could go for a good chunck of the time without thinking about it, and sometimes it hits me again fresh. But our PMA will push the bad moments farther and make them weaker as the years go by
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I haven't felt like I've had a lot to say recently, however, these comments this morning ring true. I also have chosen to sit back and watch to see how things progress. During a conversation I had with a friend lately he made the point that, "yes, change is good, but only make the changes that improve you and not just a change to make a change". So I've looked hard at the changes and only pursue those that are really needed. Becoming someone you don't want to be doesn't help anyone.
In a way I have also seen that I will make the changes I feel are right, then let W catch on/up or else let her "deal with it". Perhaps you could say in a way I have dropped the rope. Sorry to have hijacked your thread, but the thoughts your comments induced seem to need to be posted here. Stay strong AUD. You have a strong sense of what the goal is, how you will get there is up to you. Follow your promptings.
Dude, Phoenix--hijack away! When it comes down to it, maybe part of the experience is to learn what it really means to drop that rope and let things happen...as long as we're taking care of us, we'll end up in the right place.
Cat--I know you're right. Let's keep the PMA going and growing and nothing can stop us! ((hugs))
