Yea! Thanks, ST. I really appreciate the encouragement. I had not gone dancing for years because I didn't think I should risk it. Then I get out there and find out that it seems that half the people out there are married and just love to dance. (This is the water-drinking crowd, not the club crowd...)
Anyone else have any thoughts?
Are we really talking about years? As much as I love my husband and want it to work, I can't wait years. I started counseling thinking I would give it 6 months to a year. It has already been more than a year. I know I can do another 6 months, but after that...(This started in the car, on the way home from taking our daughter to freshman orientation at college. Talk about timing!)
I remind myself something I learned yesterday: "today. probably tomorrow. rinse. repeat." (Thanks, JTB)
I am with ST on this except, I would say your H is already attracted. If you love to dance, go dance.
As for how long? First, I would say you are lucky that it hasn't been a quick fix. That would be a recipe for disaster. I was out of the house for a month once and nothing changed. That led to the eventual big bomb and subsequent divorce. The big thing you have going is that your H recognizes he has issues.
Don't worry about time. I would say worry about the feelings you have. And right now, the feeling is that you want your H to get his head together and come home.
Let me tell you about time. My grandfather died in 1950 a few years before I was born. My grandmother lived another 45 years...on her own (and with my aunt and uncle and their family). In essence, she stood for her marriage the rest of her life. Yes, a long time. But she was perfectly happy. I have been divorced for 6 1/2 years. Still on my own with no change in sight. It has been great. Accept the good that you have and you will be happy no matter what happens.
Hi everyone--Thank you, ST, for the encouragement. I appreciate it, because I am really struggling with the question of whether I am cut out for this!
I am now living on our small farm alone--our D20 is in college and our S17 and H moved out in the same week. (S is at a free boarding school for science/math geeks. H moved to an apartment.)
It is not a working farm--we have the pasture leased out to a neighbor for his cattle, and I have some chickens, an elderly horse, some dogs, a lot of mowing with an old riding mower that my H used to fix for me about once a month, and a 50 year old tractor that I have never touched...I have gardens that have been basically my job, with significant help from H--a vegetable garden, asparagus, herb garden, rose garden, perennial flower gardens, etc.
Here is the problem: I can give this some time before making drastic changes, but not as much as this probably will take. We raised our kids in this home, and I love it, but I can't really "drop the rope" living out here. It is too much for me to manage, and after all these years of living with my family, it feels isolated and lonely. It is a 25 minute drive to town and my friends.
I have thought about getting a roommate, but there is nowhere good to put one! The house is a small 3 bedroom house, and it would mean putting someone in one of the kids' rooms, which are about 9' by 12', right across the hall from my BR, and often used by our kids when they are home...
My H asked me to wait until Christmas before pushing to sell the farm, which is what we would need to do for me to afford a nice, small place in town. However, it is really obvious to me, from reading these boards, that to really resolve this is going to take a lot longer than that.
I don't want him to decide to move back because of logistical reasons--that sounds like it would be premature, and would probably not work. (Sorry to say, I really think he has a long way to go in this MLC, and I don't want to live with his depression/irritability/blaming/resentment any more!)
In a lot of ways, I can tell that DBing works--I already see some positive changes. I changed my behavior, and his behavior changed. However, I don't want to live out here alone for more than 6 months or so, and I am facing the practical questions of getting a job, and still keeping up the farm and managing our rental property (significantly mortgaged, so please don't assume I am rich!) The rental property is a part-time job in itself, the farm is a part-time job, and I have always paid the bills, managed all the paperwork--all!--and been the mom who handles all the details of holidays, shopping, cooking, etc. This would be a huge upheaval!
So, this is the problem in a nutshell--his time frame and mine do not match. He may need years to make his journey, and I can't see how I can wait more than about 6 months before I need to move forward by selling the farm (which could take a year in itself) and moving to a place I can manage.
H has told me that he will "help out" around here, but meanwhile he has also told me that he wants to be free to date other women. That sounds crazy to me--I can't see being the back-up plan for long, before I need a lot more space from him!
There is something about being put in this position that feels cruel. I know he is depressed/desperate/hurting, but the lack of empathy is stunning! I don't want to humiliate him by making him feel ashamed of himself--I know he already does.
But finally, this is my Q: Are ultimatums sometimes appropriate? Or maybe just informing him when time (from my perspective) is getting short? Is it really helpful to give the "I will be here forever, no pressure..." impression, or to be honest and realistic about how limbo is torture, and I will at some point move on?
I have avoided these topics like the plague, lately, mostly because I do not want to hear any more MLC talk, when it is so insulting, particularly when it involves him telling me he doesn't love me enough to stay, or that he feels the need to see (what a euphemism!) other women. Meanwhile, it is obvious that he is drawn to me, and misses his home...
I appreciate anyone's thoughts--I am discouraged, even though I understand that there are many positives...
Sorry folks, for repeating myself--I didn't think my other post showed up here for some reason, so I rewrote it. Then, when I submitted it, there was my other post, as well as IMP's response. (Obviously, I need to get better at the simple skill of posting on a BB!)
Sometimes the site is a bit slow. I know I have posted the same thing 3 or 4 times. When I ctach it in time, I edit. Other than that, how are you doing today?
Well, to be honest, it is really sinking in how long this could take if it works, and I am discouraged.
On the other hand (and this is not just a pep talk I give myself) I understand that I am literally one of the luckiest people on earth, our kids are great, the natural world is beautiful, and the future holds a lot of joy as well as some sorrow. So I guess you could say I am philosophical. How about yourself?
Hi FG, WElcome. You do seem to be a quick study, much quicker than I was coming here going on 2 years ago.
Anyway, about the sitch with your farm, and the related question of giving the impression that you are there for him "forever"...These are tough ones IMO.
You can love him and be emotionally "there" for him without staying in the same house, or even keeping a physical space for him. So IMO this is the easier question.
About the farm...first I'm really sorry you are having to face this unexpected and unwanted decision. Especially if you have become attached to the place. OTOH, you have to take care of yourself, and I can certainly see where the location would get lonely. I moved 70 miles away and still don't have a new social and support group yet, so I really do understand.
Anyway...back to you...can you discuss your options with a L? Can you get H to make a financial commitment to you during this separation? IN some states you can sue him for temporary support, without taking the next move toward D. That is a temporizing move, to be sure, but it may buy you some time. Unless of course he doesn't have any money to provide you, in which case, you are back to where you started.
Noone can tell you what to do, but what we can do is remind you that taking care of yourself financially and emotionally is totally expected, and not at all selfish. Of course being in self-absorbed MLC your H says he wants to you wait, and maybe you should wait as long as you possibly can, for your own sake as well. But please don't judge yourself harshly if it comes to a time that you must sell over his objections. You didn't choose this sitch, you are just making the best of it.
In the end all I could really do here was offer support. And I guess the reminder that you don't have to decide anything today, you just have to start gathering information and maintaining your own health and strength.
I'm fantastic. Busy at work. Busy with a class. Busy with my sons. Went golfing and to the driving range despite spraining my ankle. Looking forward to next year and getting some real instruction. Probably going to head to visit my bro and best friends in a 3 weeks or so. I enjoy waking up with myself in the morning!!!
I'm living. That is all you have to do. It took me a while to figure it out, but once I did, life became so much better.
Hang in there, farmgirl. I know you will have ups and downs. But during these times, figure out what you want to do for you and do it. The happier you allow yourself to be, the happier everyone around you will be.
Thank you for your replies. I have consulted a L--one of the best in town. I went in with a list of 17 questions, and I have a pretty good grasp of how it could go. I give my H a lot of credit for not doing anything horrible to me financially. But, unless my H lives like a monk, the current arrangement cannot last for more than a little while...(sounds unlikely, doesn't it?)
Patience is a really, really big challenge for me, but I am trying not to think too far ahead because I get tempted to make a plan and get started.
I love my H, and I want him to come home! However, to be honest, it is a relief to have a little breathing room from his emotional "stuff".
Our daughter is home for fall break from college, and H is coming over for dinner on Thursday, so we can cook together. This will be the only time he sees her all week, and I can tell that he feels really bummed. Any advice?
I am so in the habit of trying to make him feel better--I guess this question is just more of the same. I plan to just be friendly and try to keep things light. Wish me luck! FG
