another bomb is dropped

[Rob1231]

Hi hopeful,

I also got a second bomb (not as severe as yours) after I had moved into piecing.

I agree with what's been said before - this is a big warning sign that you need to get back into DBing gear. It's so easy to fall back into old habits and start taking things for granted - after all, wouldn't we all like a M that we can rely upon without having to work, work, work at it all the time? But I think, even in a really good M, that's unrealistic.

Your posts so far have been about W and your reactions to her actions. Let's hear about YOU. What have you done in your DBing process that worked in the past? What are you doing (or not doing) lately? What's your plan for "more of what works"?

[just_plain_hopef]

jen,
thank you very much, it sounds like you're right about on target for my mess. i have been suspecting alot of other frustration troubling my W for awhile. she quit her job about 3 wks ago and really has no plans of going back to work. she also seems to be having some issues with her mother.
today seems to be going better, I got kind of frustrated with the things W has been saying that she has been going to do for weeks and not doing. So this morning I got up early and started cleaning the house, finished painting the bedroom and gave her dog a bath. she rolled out of bed about noon or so,saw what I had been doing and asked "what have you done wrong, you must want something". i didn't say anything, but i really wanted to say "just my life with you back". last night W couldn't sleep in our bed so she wound up in d8's bed who then came in to sleep with me and d3. I know it is kind of giving in to her as far as picking up where she's neglected, but a clean house in some sort of order may help her mental state and pull her out of this funk a little bit.
W also talked a little bit and I listened, not about anything pertaining to us or R, just small talk. that was a positive sign for me, it beats the silent treatment and avoiding looking at me all the time. I have to go to work tonight, so that will give W some time to herself.

[Jen_Jam]

OK, JPF, you're going to need a LOT of patience here, a LOT.

I've skipped through your old posts and it looks like your W has never actually got up and got the paperwork, my H never did that either. if I had done it for him he'd have loved it, but I didn't - he wanted the D, he could do the work for it.

I would ask you now a couple of questions:

1. What did you do or not do in your M that your W felt she had been asking for but you hadn't listened?
2. Similar but what do you think your contribution to this crisis was? (remember there will b a lot outsdie of your control, like her mother)

What i'm getting at is for you to be the H she always wanted (maybe you're doing that now) because YOU can change the things she doesn't like, that is in your power. But you may have already done that (from your posts you seem to me a great guy! A lot like my H - you don't give in to panic, you listen to others points of views and you allow people space, putting their needs before yours). If this is the case and you ARE the guy she wants then there is nothing more you can do but keep that up and continue to wait.

I used to call my H's depression a mini MLC. I'm not sure what it was. I've asked H and he isn't sure either, but thinks it might well have happened anyway, even if he'd never met me. he just didn't know what he wanted and a lot of the time sat there with a "constipated face". I just went off and GAL'd, invited him along sometimes, if he declined didn't worry about it visibly but I got a lot over to him. We had R talks, sure, but we also had talks that were non-R and sometimes like a "lets' set the world to rights". In these I could get over things like "we make ourselves happy" or "I am happy cos I choose to be. I could choose to be miserable but it gets me nowhere, so i decide to be happy instead and I feel better".

Sounds like you and your W need to carry on living as room mates. Sure you will have to find some boundaries BUT a lot of the time you're going to have to let her dictate the pace :(. It will be very rough on you so gather abotu your friends .... you will need to lean on them quite a bit.

And - at the end of this there is no guarantee ... your W may feel she's tried and the sitch has gone oon for some time, she will likely feel your M is impossible. Don't disagree with her, but let her decide that she has to really want to get a D. Sounds to me like she has no oomph to get up and go herself (If I had been the WAS, I'd have had the D papers in a flash, but in my M I'm the one who does the accounts, deals with legal paperwork etc cos I'm better at that kind of thing. H just gets confused and forgetful). OR if she normally is the kind of person that has no probelm dealing with forms, accounts etc and she HASN'T filed look on that as a good thing.

Hope it helps - I'm watching you!!

[just_plain_hopef]

thank you jen,
well i have my patience so that's a good start(I've had LOTS of practice )
and its getting frustrating when i think about what all has happened. I feel alot like i'm being used as a human checkbook!-- buy me a house-less than 6 months later, get the heck out?
yesterday overall went easier than the last few days. I noticed when W was laying down to take (another) nap she had this really confused, somewhat contemplative look on her face. at this stage it felt good to see this confusion-maybe it's time for her to stop and think a little?
When I was at work last night I sent her a text, saying i just wanted to send you a smile, she replied and was very enthusiastic with her reply- I'll mark that as one little + for me.
I'm getting more and more ideas how to change things for the positive, just now getting rolling with them, I just need to pace myself so I don't overload her and I have more things to try if this continues to stretch out.
Overall, this is a small change to overcome some of the negative

[SDFoundGirl]

Definitely listen to Jen, she's the absolute best!

One thought comes to mind: take your focus off of your W, and put it back on YOU. How do YOU want to be? How can you make YOU happy? What changes will make YOU a better man? All of these things are independent of your W.

SD

[Jen_Jam]

I agree with SD - she's one of my heros!

Also - if you feel you're being treated like a chequebook it may be time to draw a line ... don't be nasty about it, but realistic ... kind of like "sorry, W, i'd like to give you money to go out and see your friends but I've had a big car repair bill this month so there isn't any spare cash". or draw up separate accounts ... as long as you don't do it to try and control her or for any kind of revenge motive then it's not bad DB in my opinion.

[just_plain_hopef]

sd & jen,
you gals must have either read my mind or been over my shoulder yesterday-i've already started on both these things!!!
W has been busy practicing her staring into space and looking confused again-hopefully something sensible soaks into the head sometime!
I've just now started talking to a few friends about things, I've gotten alot of support and am able to laugh about a couple things, it helps relieve some tension big time. I'm also very grateful to have friends that will jump in and listen plus give me something to laugh about. I'm beginning to find alot of value in my friends as a support network, something that w doesn't have since she's broken off ties with almost all of her friends lately. This is the first time in a long time that I've had a strong group of friends that I can open up to that understand me and give me solid advice, rather than just taking my side.
W has also seen me online alot more when I'm here and emailing friends, she doesn't know what I'm doing, but is getting awful curious-Let her go ahead and keep wondering!!
Right now I'm feeling tired but really good about myself and the little steps that we have made to at least get communication going again and ease the tension.

[RedHeadWife]

You've gotten a lot of good advice here. My only thought to contribute is to maybe get out and do more w/ your W just 1 on 1. Even just rent a movie and watch a movie together after the kids go to bed (if there are kids, I haven't gone back & read your other threads).

[just_plain_hopef]

another strange and unusual day...
yesterday W kind of cornered me into a conversation, asked me if I was wooing her-I replied no, i'm just trying to help out to make things better for everyone(one little white lie shouldn't hurt here should it? ;))
she then asked me what I thought of her plan-I answered that I really hadn't worked everything out in my head just yet.
W then accused me of being sneaky about things-I told her I had no idea what she was talking about(sneaky??? not me!!!? )
so needless to say, she's terribly suspicious of my activities lately, but i'm beginning to like things this way.
we talked for quite awhile after that, she kept pushing for a response to her questions(with me smiling like an idiot for most of the time), but I managed to steer it into a much more pleasant subject-all in all very satisfying.
when I left for work last night W was happy and smiling as were both D's, when I got home this morning, W had not slept at all last night and looked exhausted. I'm not sure how to take this, obviously W has things weighing heavy on her mind right now. My thinking is that may be good-it's time for her to actually think about what she's doing. At the same time I worry about her exhaustion making it rougher on her and her beating herself up over such worries.
Right now I'm fairly happy with the more conversational tone things have taken, and also in seeing that there seems to be an ongoing thought process with W.

[Jen_Jam]

Could be those seeds of doubt ..... right now it could go this way:
1. W has seeds of doubt - very important now you stay on track, a backslide will make her feel justified that your changes aren't permanent
2. She may well decide they aren't permanent anyway - don't let that discourage you. My H refused to belive the evidence right in front of his eyes for ages.
3. Remember it takes a lot to take a step outside of the comfort zone .. she can easliy be frightened back to it. Think of her a little as a timid animal.

And one thing to add... when I was changing I thought it was obvious that I was changing and H should just get with the program! Then when HE started changing it took a LOT of time for me to believe he was changing permenently.