Hi, I have read Michele's "Remedy" book, but the day-to-day details are so tricky.
My husband moved out after 29 years of marriage for a "trial separation." We have 2 kids, 20 and 17, both away at school. He is having major MLC, and is significantly depressed (on medication, now.) No OW (yet!, but I think he would like to give it a try...)
He tells me that he needs to live on his own and "grow up." However, he keeps wanting to see me (about once a week we have dinner at home, with wine, and he has spent the night several times since he moved out a month ago.) I don't get on his case (any more!)--I just treat him like I am glad to see him, because I am!
Here is the question: Is this going to work as a trial? How can he miss me if he won't go away? Sometimes I get so sick of being his back-up plan that I want to tell him to forget it! The kids come home pretty often, and they are pretty pissed off at him. But he seems to expect that he can still be here for family gatherings, family dinners, etc. when he feels like it.
I guess my question is about what limits to set, that would be productive toward the goal of reuniting. Sometimes I feel so hurt by his choices that I wonder if I can do this for the long haul. I am tempted to just tell him the truth, but I do believe that would be counterproductive. I just get overwhelmed by yearning or "woman scorned" fury. Any advice? I have read the success stories, but it is hard to believe that I can hang in there long enough to give it a chance!
Please feel free to vent here and ask us anything, I have found FANTASTIC people here, with so much love and compassion and willingness to help ! I hope that you are ok ! Take care of yourself !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Here is a concrete question for you: I bought our daughter a plane ticket home for Thanksgiving, but she insists that she is not interested in eating together as a "non-family."
I tried to tell my husband nicely that we need to figure out a plan that did not involve the 4 of us sitting around the table carving up a dead bird. He suggested going out of state to visit his single brother for Thanksgiving, but wanted to know if I thought that was ok. My answer was a relieved "yes" because it simplified the awkwardness. However, I got the clear impression that he was sad and irritated at the lack of an invitation from me.
Did I do right? I am tempted to say "Would you like to come home, and we can make it wonderful?" I think he is a little hurt by my surprising stand-offish behavior.
I hate this! I just want to have a loving and harmonious home! Our poor kids are really bummed out by their crazy parents (dad!)
Everything I am "supposed" to do goes against my natural impulses... Thank you!
Here is a concrete question for you: I bought our daughter a plane ticket home for Thanksgiving, but she insists that she is not interested in eating together as a "non-family."
I tried to tell my husband nicely that we need to figure out a plan that did not involve the 4 of us sitting around the table carving up a dead bird. He suggested going out of state to visit his single brother for Thanksgiving, but wanted to know if I thought that was ok. My answer was a relieved "yes" because it simplified the awkwardness. However, I got the clear impression that he was sad and irritated at the lack of an invitation from me.
Did I do right? I am tempted to say "Would you like to come home, and we can make it wonderful?" I think he is a little hurt by my surprising stand-offish behavior.
I hate this! I just want to have a loving and harmonious home! Our poor kids are really bummed out by their crazy parents (dad!)
Everything I am "supposed" to do goes against my natural impulses... Thank you!
Well Farmgirl, only YOU know what to do here, but maybe it isn't a bad idea to celebrate without him this year...afterall, if he wants out then that will be the reality of Thanksgiving in the future....Unless of course YOU want it differently....
These are tough issues, but choose what YOU feel best by....he will survive feeling 'left out'...it's a consequence of his choices !
Take care xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Whoa, people. First farmgirl, there are positives to your situation. Your H hasn't gone off and hooked up with someone else. as was thew case with 99% of us. As for boundaries, it seems like coming over once a week or so to be with you isn't an overload. The man is obviously hurting or he would have never used the words "grow up."
In your postings, you seem to have a lot of hurt and confusion with a little pissed off thrown in for good measure. If you want to save your marriage, you have to try and look past the current state in which you find yourself. I can tell you right now, if your attitude which is showing up here is allowed to carry the day, you might as well go file divorce papers right now.
Now to your daughter. I can understand her hurt, but it isn't like your H has thrown his family away. Rather it makes much more sense to explain to your daughter that her father is having uncertainty in his life which is normal. Yes. It is normal. We all go through uncertainty about our lives. Your daughter is old enough to understand this.
As for Thanksgiving, it would be a mistake at this point, to push him away. There is so much talk around here about how family can make a difference. I believe that. Don't let the current difficulties rule the day, it will only serve to push your H away. And his actions say anything but wanting to leave. Do you want to look back some day and wonder if not having a healthy family Thanksgiving is the straw that broke the camels back? I think not.
Your H is not abusing you. Your H is not eschewing his familial obligations. He seeks to be around. This is not the time to put up walls. This is the time to seek solutions.
IMP has offered you some really good advice. If you want to preserve your M, it will not be easy. If you seek to make him wrong, you will not have the opportunity to preserve your M. You choose.
I am spiritually eclectic, but I did find one book particularly helpful to me in the beginning of my S from my H, which is Sally and Jim Conway's book "When your Mate Wants Out." And Sally Conway also wrote a book "Your Husband's Mid-life Crisis" Those two books helped me to understand what my husband was going through, and to have more compassion and patience.
If you can help your children to understand that your H is having a hard time, but that he still loves his family very much, it will help. If they are willing to suspend judgement for a little while, along with you, and still let him know that what he is doing is scary for them, and that the family remaining intact matters to them, it may help.
You can be a bridge to the things that really matter to him, rather than a wedge. DB Coach Chuck told me that being a link to family is a very important role that no one else in your H's life will ever be able to duplicate. Try to be patient, kind and understanding. Think of your weekly dinners as dates. Enjoy your time together. Be a girlfriend for a while, be fun and light, don't worry him or pressure him. Take that stuff here.
Believe me, 6 days out of the week, he is lonlier than he has ever been in his life. Meanwhile, you just keep taking care of you. Buy some new outfits, exercise, start a class, do some GAL activities and become a little interesting, surprising and mysterious. You have 29 years of history in your favor. Now spice it up a bit, without pursuing or putting up walls. Many many couples go through a period of S in a long M. How you handle it could make the difference as to whether the S is long or short.
My M appears that it will be ending in a D. My H is deep in MLC and it has been over 2 years that he has been having an A, and that's just that. I have no regrets though, about who I was during the past two years. I have looked hard at myself, made some major adjustments, I was an awesome DBer, and I am a more spiritual, more grounded and much more interesting human being.
Do the best you can here, for as long as you can or want to. I never thought I would last longer that 6 months (that was my first goal - to DB for 6 months). Then I added 3 months, and then 3 more. Because it was working for ME. When you get to the point that all the choices you are making are working for you, you will feel great, no matter what your H does. That is the real goal.
Hang in there. We are with you. I will check in with you periodically.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
IMP is right in many ways, especially about there being so many positives in your situation.
However:
Quote:
Now to your daughter. I can understand her hurt, but it isn't like your H has thrown his family away.
I was in your daughter's position and I can tell you from my personal experience that it felt like my dad walked out on us (the kids). My sisters and I all felt this way so it wasn't just me. We ranged in age from 15-21 at the time that he left. He kept in contact with us, saw us, but we still felt very, very hurt by his actions. I understand your daughter's reaction. I know that she is old enough to understand uncertainty, but honestly many of us are struggling to understand this...so it is hard for a teenager to understand this and be able to act appropriately.
IMP always has great advice and the post above is no exception...but having the unique perspective of being both a child of a MLCer and a wife of a MLCer, I can tell you that she is probably hurting a great deal, has many unanswered questions, and feels abandoned. I don't know what the right answer is to the Thanksgiving situation - my father just never had holiday dinners with us. I will tell you that when he did come to visit, he would come to the house fo9r the visit and it was very uncomfortable - and my dad was not a nasty MLCer. He and my mom had a friendly separation. But I clearly remember being very uncomfortable....
Welcome to the boards and I am sorry you find yourself here. But these boards and these people have helped me so much in the last couple of months. They understand, they listen, and they give you a shoulder to cry on.
