Tal - Mines not that long. Just past my shoulders since I got a few inches cut off a couple of months ago. It's just easing it's way up again! Honestly, when I look at photos, I think I look best with really long hair or really short hair. The in-between makes me look dowdy.. That's why chopping it off freaks me out. What if I really NEED to grow it out again? I go thru that hideous phase haha!
Yah.. I think he is getting to understand that I mean business now. It took me a while to build up my confidence again but... yah... I'm not afraid to call him out on stuff if I need to.
Either live your life with integrity or don't. If you don't, I don't want to be with you anyway.
Lovelyolive, I like that name. One comment, and btw, I don't know your whole sitch. But the comment about the WAS not knowing whether the LBSer can really move on and forgive kind of irks me and it is said quite often.
IT's as if they want a guarantee that THEY get a free pass, they don't want you to throw anything in their face and THAT part of it is understandable. After all, if the LBSer truly cannot ever get past the pain, then really what IS the point of staying M? I get that. BUT sometimes it seems as if what the WAS really wants in the event of return, is not to have to face the consequences. Like they want to have a "deadline" of painful accountablility and then they want off the hook. But we all process things differently. Somehow we all have to live "in the now" and since I'm in "Piecing", I have to say that it is the only thing that seems to work. IT doesn't work perfectly, but it helps a lot. I cannot make my h see all the damage he did and even if I could, I sometimes think it'd destroy him.
THe questions are: 1) can we at least believe it won't likely happen again (knowing there are no guarantees even if they did promise...)? and 2) can we have a decent relationship from now on?
Do you and your h have fun much these days? Are you able to put aside, however temporarily, the pain of the A and focus on an evening/weekend of closeness or fun? IF you can do this, I think you have a chance. About 18 months ago my h had a conference in a resort town I attended and brought our daughters. Because I feared it might be our last vacation together, I focussed totally on good things about h so that the girls could see his good qualities, and I wanted them to have happy memories of this time. MAybe I also wanted h to notice, but I don't recall that. Anyhow, for four days I was able to put aside ALL my pain and bitterness and trust issues, which wasn't that hard since I knew I was only doing it for four days. Well, guess what? We had a ball. I am serious. I really enjoyed myself and so did the girls and everytime h did something that might have irked me at another time, I chose instead to believe his explanations (we're talking about thoughtless stuff maybe, not big deals) and not negatively view them. Anyway, we had a lot of fun and were intimate and it felt like the M did 20 years ago. Hard? Yes, but not complex. IT is when I'm able to do this well, that our M really gets energized. IF you can do it, for even one night at a time, it's a start. And if you cannot do it, after awhile, you'll know that too much water has passed under the bridge, perhaps. Also, you'll have to accept that your h may not ever view his A the way you do...we all tend to view our marital histories differently, no matter what. So we have to ask ourselves if we want to be right, or happy?
But if you can, the more time you can put aside the pain and focus on the present, the more quality time you'll be building AND the more realistic it will look to your h, that you two can again be happy. THat will motivate him as well. THe more time that passes with you two getting along, the better. You're adding chunks of conflict free time that will seal your bonds more. Build on those.
But, a lot of time has passed without him having to choose. At some point he may become quite used to that...which is not good. Take care and keep posting. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the post 25.. I think you are right in that they want a guarantee about everything. I guess what it comes down to is that they want to be guaranteed happiness no matter what the choice. Well, we all know there are no guarantees and I have chosen not to answer the question right now as to whether or not I can "get over" all of the hideous things he has said and done to me. And, yes.. he remembers them..
As for your question on whether or not we have fun together. Yes! For the past six months, I have let it all go for nights, days, weekends of fun. I'm so fun it's scary
Seriously, a lot of time has passed and I do think he's gotten used to the ways things are... Except... now ow is D'd and I believe he's been getting pressure there and I have certainly begun to tell him where I stand and that he needs to decide for everyone's sake. I'm not willing to live like this... No, ultimatum yet but... he gets the picture...
This has been a weird week of H sending me love notes and helping around the house to no calls at all during the day. HOT and COLD... He is obviously a tormented man. I'm simply trying to stay out of the way.
When Ow put pressure on my H it all unravelled. He realised he would just be getting into another R with all the same responsibilities but without someone he liked as much as the person he married. Let OW put the pressure on and do the damage!!!!!
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
This ow has had so many affairs that she is very skilled at keeping her claws dug in deep. She wants my H for her own. That is clear. But, she's bound to let her true colors show sooner or later. Someone that evil cannot look good forever... even in a thick fog.
haha!