I think in general the courts are trying to be more balanced and fair in divorce. Most judges (according to one I know personally) are aware and sensitive to the fact that not providing kids with a good amount of access to their fathers is detrimental to the children. Of course, having a good attorney who has a good relationship with the judges in your local court does help....
If you do happen to speak with an attorney don't tell anyone about it. Also, if she does file or go in that direction do NOT let her know you would fight her for custody... or give her any information about your legal position. It's better to have her completely unaware. That way, if she's expecting a pistol you can come back with a nuclear bomb. Make sense?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You are already so wise, and a wonderful DBer, I'm not sure I can add much more to what you already know but will take a look... as long as I don't get disturbed... Almost time for me to run off the computer...
If for some reason I can't get to it maybe you can send me an email with recent background... otherwise, at the latest, I'll have plenty of extra time next week to read though posts. I'm off work... Fall break! Yeeeah!!!!! message me at comtesse_de_provence at Yahoo.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Yes, thanks, Saffie. Being aware of your story, I know the magnitude of your testimony on this subject far outweighs anything W can provide. And that helps to ease my mind a great deal over the guilt I have felt ever since W first told me in June that she had considered taking her own life because of me.
I can not entirely discount W's sincerity about her claim. Part of W's psychological makeup involves low self-esteem, which has prompted her to periodically question my love for her since the beginning.
Then again she is not immune from hyperbole, especially where she can gain something.
Well, I could only lurk occasionally on these boards the last few days. Looks like some of us some of us are handling things really well (lwb, Sue, Sara). And some are also seeing some encouraging progress (Yoyo).
Just wish I could report the same.
The weekend went great with the boys. On Saturday, we went to a Harvest Fest at our church and had a great time. Sunday we went to church service, and then, because the weather was so unusually warm, we actually tried to go swimming -- only the water in the pool was freeeeezing cold. S6 and S2 were so funny, shivering in the cold, cold water but insistant on staying in the pool and having a good time. I eventually decided that enough was enough and made us all get in the hot tub to warm back up.
I had my C session Sunday evening. W was insistant that I get C's reaction to the fact I "broke his rule" about not involving the children in their parents adult business. She also wanted C's reaction to my telling our S's that W (in her words) was a liar.
I told C all about what I really said to my S's -- everything, including the part W refuses to get all the information on. He (my C) basically agreed with my notion that hiding the truth of what was going on from our children would one day cause them resentment. As C put it, S6 is not going to care one wit about the fact that he was only 6 years old -- he's only going to want to know why he was being deceived or kept in the dark about events that would have great impact on his life.
When I told C about W's desire to know what his reaction would be, he said that she was more than welcome to schedule her own appointment with him.
I'll write more about this later -- right now I'm very tired. I had a very rough afternoon. I had another parent-teacher meeting today, and W was there too. (Prior to this meeting, earlier today, I got a phone call at my office fom the school's social worker. She was asking me about what might be affecting S6's behavior on Wednesdays and sometimes Thursdays. I had no real answer to that since I am no longer in S6's home during the week.)
Well, at the meeting S6's teacher expressed great satisfaction in his work, but his beahvior was not so good. He is showing more signs of agression and anger at times with other students, which is so unusual for someone who is normally so sweet. The teacher eventually brought out a copy of S6's picture he drew last week, and she intimated that she wants to help our S do well in school, but she needs the cooperation from both of us to keep our personal matters in check.
My W then took this opportunity to chastise me in front of the teacher about how I supposedly told my S that his mother was a liar. She got this teary-eyed look and started going off on her little rant saying again how S6's behavior was learned from my neglect of her. She got to portray herself as the sole victim before my S's teacher. I was deeply upset.
I on the other hand could say nothing in my defense without it further antagonizing W. I just bit my tongue. When the meeting ended I marched right out the front door -- I did not want to talk to W about it.
Later when I called to say goodnight to my S's, the W started asking me what was my impression of what was said. This started a bad R conversation, and I regret it.
How you keep your control is beyond me. W is dragging you through the mud in front of people, but trust me, they see right through it. Composure is your middle name, how do you do it???
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She got to portray herself as the sole victim before my S's teacher. I was deeply upset.
I can understand why you were so upset. She has really distorted history and now the present, right in front of you. That's so terrible.
My thoughts are with you, they really are. Your sons will grow up to see what a wonderful role model you are.
I'm really glad you had the self-control not to react when your wife said those things. I think if you ever feel you need to say anything it's probably okay to say, "That isn't true." But then do not say anything more after that. Stay quiet and composed and let her rant and rave. I've learned that the person who can stay calm, reasonable and rational is the one who comes out looking best, while the one who "loses it" almost always comes out looking worse.
One more very important reason to tell the kids the truth about the situation is children tend to see themselves as the center of their universe and it's very common for children to believe that the reason a parent left is because of them. That they did something wrong or bad that caused a parent to leave. Even kids who don't verbally express that usually have those thoughts floating around... and anyways, what's done is done! They know, and she'll just have to live with the fact she's a liar.... oh well...
I think you are doing well in spite of everything. Just keep GALing, and stay as dark and non-confrontational as possible while your wife is in angry-mode. You will need to accept the fact you have no power to "fix" your children's lives. About the best you can do at this time is to be the "Disneyland dad" and when they are with you give them lots of love and great memories. And when they aren't there... go live for yourself.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I really can't say that I had the necessary self-control. As I mentioned, last evening, W pressed me for my thoughts about the meeting with the teacher. It led into an argument, and this time I was not just going to take it. I was already hurt and upset with her for the way she behaved earlier in the afternoon.
First, she asked me did I learn anything from what S6's teacher was trying to tell us. She said that (in her opinion) the teacher agreed with W that involving S6 in our "adult" business was harmful to him and was "cruel".
She accused me again of calling her a liar in front of our son. I told her she was wrong. I told her that I asked S6 to tell W everythinghe and I had discussed, but W only wants to hear what she wants to hear. We have a difference of opinion, and I am tired of being asked to be complicit in her lies. She said that involving S6 and putting him between us was cruel. I told her that I certainly regret it, but lying to him was also wrong. And further involving his teacher in her complaint and our business, especially when she had just made the point that she wanted us to contain it, was also just as wrong. Her defense was that the teacher was an adult and not a child like S6.
I told W that in my talk with S6, I heard her words coming from his mouth that could only have come from her. Stuff like, "OM is just a friend." I believe W is coaching S6. And so hearing S6 repeating W's words, I had to contradict her information. If that's "calling her a liar", so be it.
It got heated. W again kept saying she had to leave me because of how I am, not because of OM. I did not keep my cool, sad to say. I told W that there was a reason I became the way I was, and that was due to depression. I said there was a good reason and a cause for why I became depressed, and she needed to look at herself for her contribution to that.
W discounted the depression again, and began recounting everything she found wrong with me. She kept using absolutes again in repainting our history, and as she said certain words I began to repeat them back to her: "Never", "Always", "Completely", "Total", etc. She said she could never stand another 20 years with me and she had to leave me. At one point I actually thanked her for leaving me, if you can believe that. W said, "you're welcome."
I again started to tell W about what I really discussed with S6, how I told him to pray for her, but she hung up on me.
I am to the point where I am giving up or detaching, I don't know which. I just did not hold my cool in the end. I kept my composure earlier, but she got me to break that night.
NCB, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I know it must be very painful. She is definitely going through the denial and it's not my fault stages.
I'm a school teacher and I have a suggestion for you concerning your son. I suggest that you call his school and make an appointment to speak to the school counselor. I would go and talk face to face with the counselor and explain all that is going on with your family including the separation and the infidelity. Let her know that your W is taking sons around the other man and you believe this is the reason for the acting out. I then would ask her what her suggestions are for your son. Together you both can decide whether to share it with his teacher. Couselors can not repeat anything that you tell them in confidence unless you agree to it or the child is in danger.
I also think this would be a wise decision of going to see counselor in the event you divorce and there is a custody battle. I know too often the W tries to imply that the H never goes to school conferences and is not involved in the child's education. Start documenting everytime you visit with the teacher or the counselor.
Again, I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Oh, I saw a couple of movies (on-demand) this weekend. Funny, these are what I would call "chick flicks", but given our situations these were a bit more poignant than usual.
One was The Painted Veil with Naomi Watts and Edward Norton. This was a period piece from the 1920's set in China. Two English people marry and move to China and the wife has an affair with another man. The rest of the movie is the interplay between the husband and wife under difficult circumstances. The most memorable line came from Norton's character when the wife (Watts) inquired whether the husband was disgusted with her. He replies, "No, I am disgusted with myself for having ever fallen in love with you."
The other movie was Premonition with Sandra Bullock. This one was a little disjointed due to the way the lead character come to experience the unfolding of the events in her life. It revolves around the affair her husband is about to commit or has committed (depending on the time frame). It was pretty good, but a little too predictable for me.
Confession: I always have liked Sandra Bullock if only for the reason that when she started to gain fame in the early '90's, I noted how she and W somewhat favored each other in looks. It was only a passing resemblance, but even my family and friends remarked about it later. (I promise not to hold it against Sandra in the future. )
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