Man, it really seems strange to have been at this for so very long, and not even to be in the double-digits with my threads. Thank you, everyone who has stood by me for all this time.
So, let's see - what's new with me? Not much, but I think it's a case of 'no news is mostly good news'. I'll just tackle some of the high points:
Insanely busy at work these days. Still not as challenged and excited as I would like to be (see next paragraph) but engaged enough to be doing OK.
Working with my career counselor has taken a back burner for a few weeks while other stuff kept me busy. That's OK - I'm not stagnating (BAD), just prioritizing (GOOD).
W has been less and less happy at her current job. However, her former employer is practically begging her to come back, in a higher-paid, higher-responsibility, higher-excitement position. She's working with the same career coach, and I think that's all gonna work out well. Have had some great conversations where she got to see some of the Sage Wisdom-Dispensing Rob that you all know and love - something I don't think she has really "gotten" and appreciated in the past. So, that's all for the good too.
This is crazy-busy season with the Music Boosters, particularly band doing contests and the madness known as home football concession sales. I am working hard to grow the booster association to be more involved with our choir and orchestra in the high school, and with all the music programs in both feeder middle schools. It's an uphill battle, with lots of cat herding necessary, but it's also a very good way to stretch and grow my leadership skills, so I am doing my best to attack the challenge with CONFIDENCE and ENTHUSIASM.
D15 is doing better in school, but driving us crazy with her steady string of boyfriends. She has an obvious pattern of liking them until they get too close, then dropping them - W and I think, pretty meanly. For example, the current boyfriend was invited to D15's homecoming dance on Tuesday, then dumped without warning on Thursday (his birthday, no less!) Sometimes I am sorry to say, my own D can be quite the b!tch...
We are NOT approving of this behavior, but getting D15 to talk to us about it is like pulling teeth. It doesn't help that W and D15 escalate straight to shouting on the issue - I have a little better luck talking quietly on my own with D15, but then all my terrific advice is still ignored. I'm trying a new approach and bringing up the issue with D15's IC - hopefully they'll talk about this stuff for a change, rather than just how unfair Mom and Dad are with all of our expectations. (On a side note, it is SO hard not to roll my eyes when W starts ranting about D15 honoring her commitments to her boyfriends. Then I remind myself that the person I am thinking back to was an alien clone and that W is mostly back these days, so I manage to let that go...)
W and I continue to expand our circle of friends, mostly through fellow music parents. We have a small group that we go on 20-30 mile bike rides either Saturday or Sunday mornings, almost every week. Good stuff!
As you may know from my posts on other people's threads, I am still trying very hard to follow what I learned from DBing - GALing, keeping up the PMA, giving problems time & patience - in my life as much as possible. I hope I never forget these lessons - they are not just about being a better husband and saving my M, they are about being a better person, forever.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
All I can say is you just plain rock. Glad to hear life is good!
Question: any MLC stuff on your part? I only ask 'cause I'm feeling the onset of crazy myself. The, is this all there is? I'm halfway through...can I live like this? Hey, let's move to XYZ country!
Seeing it in H and on the forums has helped...so I know that's what it is. Anyway, was curious if you'd experienced any of that yourself.
D15 is testing out her power. Can I get the boy? Can I yank him around? Can I make him feel like cr@p? Can I get him back if I want to? Hate to say it, but she just sounds a lot like me when I was her age. I had a boyfriend all through high school that I dumped periodically to see if I could get someone else interested in me. It was all rooted in insecurity and self-loathing.
Anyway, she's 15. They change boyfriends more frequently than they change their underwear. Really.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thanks for stopping by, SD and HS. (SD, I'll swing by your thread later.)
Things are better today with D15. W went out with a gal friend last night, so I waited until D15 was turning in, then went in and got her to relax and talk to me for a long time. Realized that a lot of the problem is she hasn't been straight with us about what's going on inside her head - for example, many actions that seemed random and thoughtless actually DID have lot of late-night agonizing put into them, but since she shared none of it, this came off to W and I as flip and insensitive. After we talked, I think D15 and I understood each other's thoughts and feelings about all of this much better.
Next up: I made W and D15 both promise to sit down and have a calm heart-to-heart talk this weekend and clear the air. They've been in "instant escalation mode" lately, gotta get them to stop that for ALL of our sanities! Planning to referee this a bit by laying some ground rules (probably will use the ol' Talking Stick approach) and then head for the hills for a couple of hours.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I have not posted to you before but I have read all your threads. Your positive attitude and posts abolutely kept me from giving up. Thank you.
Question; Where do you see yourself in the process now? Do you now feel safe in your marriage at this point? How would you rate your marriage at this point? I guess that is actually three questions.
You are an inspiration. Best regards.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Thanks for your kind words. I've said it before - can't say it enough. I wouldn't be where I am now without other people who showed me the way - I hope I can return the favor for others.
To answer your very good questions:
Where do you see yourself in the process now?
A realization I have had, since I moved to Piecing, is that DBing is a never-ending process. However, my target is no longer the DBing goal that brought me here. I no longer think that "Divorce Busting" is even the most important part of the process.
Instead, "Getting A Life" is the key. And GALing is a job that we NEVER finish, nor should we want to. To answer your question, I feel like I am doing TERRIFIC in this department.
If we Bust our Divorces in the process of GALing, that's icing on the cake. If succeed in Getting A Life but our marriages still fail - well, from what I've seen around here, that's usually because there's another person involved and even a perfect DBer can only do so much.
Do you now feel safe in your marriage at this point?
Well, you may remember that my wife dropped another mini-bomb on me not too long ago. That shook me up, no doubt about it.
Even without that, I think I will always have a little nagging fear that someday the M will end. That's one price of having gone through this - that fairy tale of happily ever after is gone for good.
On the other hand, I kinda think that's not entirely a bad thing. This lingering uncertainty is what will keep me watching for problems, trying to solve them, and not taking things for granted. I never want to be that oblivious, blindly-trusting-without-thinking person who got the first bomb again. This doesn't mean I don't trust my wife or expect her to stray back into the land of MLC craziness again. In my head, it just means I am grown up now, and approach our relationship from a grown up's point of view.
How would you rate your marriage at this point?
My marriage today is a lot stronger than it has been in years. I am more engaged in it, more connected with my wife, more aware of what I want out of it, and more conscious of fulfilling her needs as well.
Is it perfect? Of course not! There are still times when we fight, when we make mistakes, and when we don't give each other the best we have to give.
One of my guiding DB principles was always "Does ____ bring me closer to my goal, or push me farther away?" I still try to apply this regularly, with the ultimate long-term goal of having our relationship get better every month, every year. I expect that we will both continue to go through cycles of dissatisfaction, of growth, and of contentment. I hope we can always do that with a spirit of patience, understanding, and encouragement.
Rob
P.S. I didn't find a thread for you, but I hope you are doing OK.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Even without that, I think I will always have a little nagging fear that someday the M will end. That's one price of having gone through this - that fairy tale of happily ever after is gone for good.
Yep - I'd agree there. My H used to be the centre of my world and he isn't now. part of me mourns that loss.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Even without that, I think I will always have a little nagging fear that someday the M will end. That's one price of having gone through this - that fairy tale of happily ever after is gone for good.
Yep - I'd agree there. My H used to be the centre of my world and he isn't now. part of me mourns that loss.
I triple agree. There is no longer that comfort (however false it was in the first place) that my M will always be there. And for me...well, D has become a viable alternative for me if all else fails where in the past it just wasn't.
I miss that fairy tale security, but I know reality is ultimately better. I work harder on myself and my M.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
i reckon the idea of a M that just clicks and everything falls into place is a complete myth.
Marriage is like driving - you only really learn how to drive after you pass your test. When I got married I had NO IDEA about the amount of work I would have to put in to keep it going. I thought it would all just click into place and I'd get forgiven anything. How naieve - I know better now.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Hi Rob, interesting reading through your threads. sound similar to mine. another poster recommended I read through yours. Hopefully if you have time, you could glance at mine. Pretty similar. I hope to someday be where you are. I'm in newcomers. Tostada...
(On a side note, it is SO hard not to roll my eyes when W starts ranting about D15 honoring her commitments to her boyfriends. Then I remind myself that the person I am thinking back to was an alien clone and that W is mostly back these days, so I manage to let that go...)
