I think acting normal and also being friendly and willing to listen is always good. I know when my husband was going through his lowest times I just tried to be an ear for him. Taking it all in without comment or judgement. Just letting him unload....
Also giving kind pats on the back once in awhile and smiles can sometimes lift another's spirit.
Another good book... think I may have mentioned this? "Hack," it's about a pastor who has an affair, leaves his family/church and then eventually finds his way back. The changes he goes through, and introspection are quite interesting.
Rysmom, Don't worry about the ring or where your husband is... just keep GALing and living for you and be glad he's in the house after 6:30 to be with you and your son. Any chance that you can go work out at the gym at the same time? If so, make sure you get some really attractive work out clothes. Why does your son have to go to a new school? I understand your concern about your son. Any way to get him involved in some type of positive activity afterschool that may help him work through emotional stuff? Sports, art, or???
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
He's still very confused. He's still living in the fog. He has to get away from OW or there's no hope.
I would agree that he is very confused. More so now that ow is divorced and that is changing the dynamics of the A. But, I also believe that he is somewhat coming out of the fog and that is the reason for his deep depression, self-loathing, etc. There are some other "self-discovery" comments coming from him that show he is starting to take at least some responsibility for this situation.
As for me, I don't write much about what I do but believe it or not, I don't obsess all day every day about this any longer. My career is going great and I am challenged there on a daily basis. I am running and attending yoga classes and many days acting as if H is not in my life. I am going out West with some friends for my birthday and can't wait.
Yes, we still go out as a family and on fun dates. Yes, we still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed.
I think the biggest difference in the past couple of weeks is that I have challenged him on some stuff having to do with the A and he's come clean instead of covering it up. I asked him point blank if he wanted a D. I also told him that we can't go on like this. The A has been going on for a year... I've known about it since January. Basically, sh!t or get off teh pot. I didn't give him a "deadline" so to speak but I know he gets it.. He is petrified he will make the wrong decision.
ROOT - I am doing exactly what you said. Just asking questions and listening and not judging. That seems to be helping him at least tell me the truth.
I hate to tell him but he already has....he chose to have an A...that was the wrong decision. It's amazing how screwed up our WAS's thinking is. I think all their rational thinking is gone. Does he not think that you are wondering if taking him back is the wrong decision? It seems that you should be a lot more petrified than him...what if you would make the wrong decision by taking him back...what if he as another affair...what if...what if. Life is full of what-ifs...you make a decision and you live the best you can with it...that's what life is all about. I guess that's the difference between the WAS and LBS. The LBS can deal with consequences...the WAS will just want to run again.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
LO, it REALLY sounds like you are doing well. It's so nice when WE can get to the point where we are finally more concerned about ourselves and our happiness and decide, "they will do what they are going to do" and if it includes you, great, and you WILL get through the emotions, etc. of the A and the whole sitch.
You never will see H as the "same person" you married, but hopefully you 2 can get to a better place together and have a better M than if all of this would not have happened.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Yes, I am certainly petrified as well. It's gone on so long and there have been so many lies and secrets that I do wonder if we can ever recover. But, you are right.. there are no guarantees in life anyway.
I certainly have had many breakdowns lately but I've also had these immensely calm moments. It's weird and I can't really explain it. And, I do believe that H feels crappier right now than I do. I've stayed and tried. Even if it's to no avail, at least I tried and didn't jeopardize my integrity.
Even more than the actual cheating, it's the dishonesty that gets to me. I'm one of those people that is probably honest to a fault.
You inspired me. Yesterday I walked into the salon and got my hair cut in a bob. It was a good thing to do. My husband says it looks more sophisticated than my ponytail. And I feel like a new person.
I think I'm gonna chop it off after the first of the year. I'm the queen of the ponytail right now, too and it's starting to really bug me! Maybe I'll take a small step shorter in a couple of weeks..
If you have really long hair, you can always get it cut off and donate it for a wig for cancer patients!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
